Happy crappy new year

May your year be filled with less heartbreak than mine

Cheers 2009

I finally had the time and mood to watch this...

Words cannot even describe how I felt after this movie. I cannot imagine having seen it on the big screen...

I applaud Liam Neeson (amazing!), Ben Kingsley, Ralph Fiennes, and of course Spielberg

This was such a masterpiece , I strongly recommend watching it if you havent

I will NOT call The Boyfriend
I will NOT e-mail The Boyfriend
I will NOT call The Boyfriend
I will NOT e-mail The Boyfriend
I will NOT call The Boyfriend
I will NOT e-mail The Boyfriend
I will NOT call The Boyfriend
I will NOT e-mail The Boyfriend
I will NOT call The Boyfriend
I will NOT e-mail The Boyfriend
I will NOT call The Boyfriend
I will NOT e-mail The Boyfriend
I will NOT call The Boyfriend
I will NOT e-mail The Boyfriend
I will NOT call The Boyfriend
I will NOT e-mail The Boyfriend
I will NOT call The Boyfriend
I will NOT e-mail The Boyfriend
I will NOT call The Boyfriend
I will NOT e-mail The Boyfriend

until he calls or e-mails me first....

I hate that I have so little resolve in this...
=(

Ah! 'tis that time of the year again when we set up impossible resolutions for us to try and keep and binge drinking when it doesnt work.

I guess the only way to look forward is to look back and learn, so some moments from 2008

The Boyfriend and I finally got together after months of being friends and not noticing what could have been. A silent kiss in the middle of the night whilst I half slept sealed the deal with us. And started me on a whole new adventure

World travelling on track. Though I didnt manage to go on my roadtrip around Poland, Silverwolf and I managed to trek 2 weeks through Spain without killing each other... or almost killing each other. We grew older and spent more time doing nothing, deciding to skip the party island of Ibiza and the nightlife or Madrid and Barcelona

The Boyfriend got posted in the Middle East for six months, and I managed to fenagle two trips to be with him. Many a plans were made, for me to go out while he worked, but we ended up napping most of the time, and the few days I wanted to actually go out was diminished by the faulty weather. Global warming you say? Indeed, especially when it rains heavily in the middle east, causing small floods as the city goes, wtf... i didnt plan the roads for this

New house, new home. I moved out, finally!!! into a beautiful studio apartment with full glass windows looking out into the city and the might Tower. So close to my office it would take 2 minutes walking... then of course I get sent down south.

New position, future promises. After fighting it head-on for two years, Ive gotten my promotion at work and am set for the future..

Which brings me to NY resolution

Be happy... learn to love me more, to put myself in front of others, to voice out when I am unhappy or angry. Be less passive agressive and just to take time out to be by me myself and I...

Travel more. The Boyfriend and I will attempt a trip together, something we've never done before. I dont know if our styles are the same, if we look for the same things, but I guess these are the things that you live and learn

Actually study for my GMATs. Prepare for business school. Remind self that this is what I really want. That this is what I wanna do. That I can travel more from the US

Save more. Recession is a coming, I might as well cut back on the lavishness I can live without and enjoy the world travels I always look forward to.

Love more. Open my heart more, embrace more. Be open to more. To remember humility, and modesty, and the transitionary states of the world.

Happy new years everyone!

I have not spoken to him for over a week now. Have not heard him say he loves me for about a two weeks now. It seems like he has ceased to care. To even remember who I am.
When a man does not want to share his day with you, does not remember you enough to take five minutes out of his very busy day to say hello, does the relationship work? Is there even a relationship?

I pride myself on being independent. To have this be an independent relationship. He goes off and does whatever he wants, and so do I. Once in a while we catch up, say hello and tell each other how its been.

But its not enough for me anymore. I cant even make plans to be with him, dont even know when Ill see him next. Dont even know when we'll speak next. When I will hear him say I love you again.

I learnt, from The Doctor, that I could be too stifling, always wanting to spend too much time together. But Im too lax now, not even sharing my day with him anymore. My e-mails unanswered. My phone, silent.

It makes me wonder. Is it worth it? To feel like Im the only one in this uphill battle. As though I am the only one fighting for this.

How come James Bond movie can be so sad....

I run.

When problems pop up around me, I run.
When family problems start popping up, I run.
When work starts getting shitty, I run.
When people around me start collapsing, I run.

I run and run and run and run and run

Im lucky compared to some, I have the money to get away... far far away... run all the way to the Middle East and into the arms of a man who loves me enough that all I want to do is erase everything and start over with him. Just me and him.

It helps, but it doesnt stop anything, doesnt solve anything.

Eight years and counting... and my nightmares still come chasing after me

The more I am here, the more I realize I dont want to be here. Its a horrible catch 22 you see. My love for travel great, I am reminded time and time again about how truly magnificent it is. Last year I saw Hong Kong, Taiwan, Australia, Laos, Vietnam, India, Singapore, Indonesia, Thailand. This year I saw Spain, Dubai, Abu Dhabi...

By this weeks end, I will return to the Middle East to spend one week with The Boyfriend, running off to an island of left behind game reserve.

Early in the 2009, the Boyfriend and I are hoping to head back to India, this time to Agra for the Taj Mahal, Kashmir to watch him ski, and Delhi to dance the night away while a friend gets married amidst the laughter, singing and dancing.

Every time I come back, I feel tired, depressed and wanting for more. I am addicted, to seeing the world and learning about it. My tv constantly tuned to the travel channel, my envy for the likes of Samantha Brown insurmountable.

I miss being a nomad, and I miss being home. Entering the office is a depressing ordeal. Yet I remind myself that I have to do it. If not, I wont be able to afford all these travels. So I have to work to leave, yet when I leave I never want to come back.

Maybe if I saved enough I would be able to do it. One year before or after my business school, to just leave for a few months and continue my journey exploring....

I managed to finish all my work.. Now am just pretending to type a lot so that people think Im working.

Need to lay low........

I managed to finish all my work.. Now am just pretending to type a lot so that people think Im working.

Need to lay low........

He came back. Finally, after a few months away in the desert islands. He came back to me, for me.

I held him, spent the night held by him. Lazed around in bed together, barely a care in the world. My hands back in his. Our brunch tradition upheld. Laughing over a secret dinner.

That feeling, knowing he will always come back to me, for me...

I cant imagine how I had lived without knowing that

Credit card bills... credit card bills...

*dies*

I guess this is what happens when u buy six pairs of shoes over the weekend

Is the economy getting so bad that I cant even get upgraded to a suite for one night due to the hotel being full

Blardy 300 more. A drop in the bucket for a multi million dollar company...

Damn pissed. They would rather send me out to a cheaper hotel that requires me moving all my stuff and potentially coming into work late than pay a little extra for ONE BLARDY NIGHT

Some people envy my travels and my life. That I can fly from Abu Dhabi to Cambodia to Singapore in a blink of an eye and have all expenses covered. That I do not have to worry (for now) for an income and the future.

Here's a little secret

Ive worked every weekend since I started my project, and trust me, working while on holiday is the worse feeling in the world. You feel robbed, gypped. Ive been sleeping at 3 am for 3 straight days and late nights on all others. Ive been yelled at, have clients walk out on me, get asked if I actually know what Im talking about. Ive had to travel everywhere and anywhere... at a drop of a hat.

I dont have clean clothes.

Life isnt always going to be easy, there's a lot more to it. Its just that people always show the good and the pretty and never the scars, the battle wounds... the tears

I almost missed my flight. Was enjoying the half an hour massage so much I didnt realize the man had perked me up and given me a 45 minute massage instead. I was the last one on the plane with the attendants considering kicking me off. I sat and almost cried when I thought I almost missed the flight.

I had been looking forward to this for so long. Meeting The Boyfriend in a land with indescribable melodious language. The sun and the heat and the sand. The quietness of nothing in the middle of nowhere.

We came back to the hotel in the middle of the night and slowly unwrapped each other. Tentative, getting to know one another once again. It has been too long since the last time. I am caught in between, not really knowing what to do and remembering his neck. His chest. His arms wrapped around me.

We went out the next day. Drove into the middle of the sand dunes. Stopped at a camel hunting ground, their smell musking the air. We climbed dunes, all the way to the top. The sand surrounding my feet hot, so hot I have to half run and half jump my way down the dunes. I hold on to him, hug him in this middle of nowhere. He patted my legs as we went dune bashing in our 4 by 4. Gritting my teeth and holding on to the bars so hard I forget to have motion sickness when the fear is so strong in my stomach.

We climb higher dunes and the sun starts to set cascading golden beams around us. Sand sand sand everywhere as we watch the wind blow shapes against shapes. Form ridges on untouched sand. Everything is renewed here and we leave no footprints behind.

We get to out campsite and he runs up the dunes with a board. Thrilling he surfs down the meters high dunes and ends up falling, rolling, laughing.

I capture his laugh, his moments. Inscribed the way I feel when he holds me close and we watch the shifting dunes. Memories in my heart.

We have a hearty meal of meat and more meat as we sit around and make friends with Germans, one of whom happily pulls his shirt up to join the belly dancer on stage. She is swaying in an outfit that leaves nothing to the imagination and The Boyfriend nuzzles me from behind shying his eyes away.

He keeps his hands around me as we smoke shisha late into the night. The campsite shutting down its lights and for time, we enjoy the starlight night in the middle of nowhere.

I am happy here, peaceful here. A feeling I had been searching for a while now. But I remember how it was, to be in his arms. I romanced the desert, the sun, the wind... the stars the moonlight sunlight. I romanced him.. and us. And gazing at him with the stars halo, I remember all the reasons why, I love him....

I am one of those lucky few working for a multinational company. I wake up in the morning, head over to work, and my friends and I would pore over the morning news. We talk about the stock market movements, the political climate. We rehash history. We talked about living through this current recession. What its like to be a part of history. Little did we know how much part of history.

Because we're an MNC, when other parts of the world suffer, we suffer too. We thought we were untouchable here, the company doing so well nobody every ends up doing nothing. We hired a large number of people to the point where I cant even remember names or faces. We thought invincible...

Recently we got some bad news. All those little perks, all those things I used to extol about about my company... slowly coming to an end. The end of the golden era. No more business class flights... for some people, no more 5 star hotels.. no more unlimited phone calls with roaming...all outings cancelled

boo... well, at least I still have my job... for now

When it comes to women, there are a few things that annoy me. Usually, I tend to ignore it, and remind myself that its none of my business after all, and I can just not associate myself with them.

But there is a type of woman that annoys me so much, I wanna slap them around silly.

The kind that just cant be independent. The jumper. The one who stays in relationships forever because they cant stand being alone. Who need the attention from someone, anyone, because they cant imagine waking up next to no one. Afraid of walking into a party alone.

These people stay forever with someone they have ceased to love, and when something else comes along, they jump. Freefall into the other persons hands. I dont care if they do it before they break up/ after they break up. But the simply turn around and dance in another pair of arms.

I hate these women who just cant live by themselves. Take time to know themselves, love themselves. To be an independent person before u become solid ground for someone else.

I despise these women. They make me wanna bitch slap them silly and let them know... that at some point theyre going to be alone and independent. So its better to take a breather between here and there, between one man and the next, to get to know yourself. Learn who u are. and learn to love the person u see in the mirror, instead of running to the next man and having them validate your existence.

We go through life wishing and hoping and dreaming. We set goals and inspirations. We draw futures to our stories. Our happy endings. We list things that we want to do, things we want to be known for. Happy, content, wise, a traveller....

Ive always dreamed of being a vagabond. Of being able to shed all materialistic needs and ideals, to just pick up and leave. The most romantic of all dreams. But I know my limitations, understand that underneath, no matter how much I try to pretend its possible, its not. I like a roof over my head, a comfortable bed, my own bathroom, my own things. My shoes, my handbags, my books. My shrine to all the lands and seas I have traveled across and to.

This year has been a real slow year for me. Ive barely traveled, or barely traveled as much as I would have liked. The Boyfriend and I made small trips around our country, stopped by in cute quaint towns and glass rooms in the middle of nothingness. I traveled a distance to see the beautiful details of Spain, breathe in the blood of the bullfights and feel the soul of Andalusia.

The Boyfriend though... managed to hike the mountains of Kashmir, lived in a boat in the backwaters of India, stayed in the most expensive hotel in Singapore, walked and sang the night away in Korea and is living breathing Abu Dhabi. He has made extensive plans for Yemen, and Jordan and Egypt and dreams of Saudi Arabia and Ethiopia.

I envy him. The Boyfriend who leaves me behind when he goes on all his travels. Who insists that he does not want to be like friends who have suddenly gone MIA when they have partners. He has made plans for 2009, and they mostly do not involve me, though I have made him promise at least a trip with me. Maybe to Egypt, Jordan, or the Maldives.

So I sulked, and moped, while waiting for him to call me. Wishing he was missing me, yet knowing I only wanted him to have a real good time without me. After all at the end of it all, he always comes home.

While I sulked, a few friends decided for an impromptu trip to god knows where. So they sat in my house and flew a few options before we decided that the simplest of all was to make a road trip to Singapore.

And we went! we drove, we talked, we mostly fought over trying to keep the ipod on the right radio frequency. We bunked/ crashed actually at our friends suite in the St. Regis, somehow the poshest road trip I could make on as little money as I could afford. We went to museums after they switched to free admission hours, lounged by the pool, walked by the beach, and drank while we listened to the jazz festival (actually, it was a bunch of kids singing jazz songs... Singapore tends to hype things up hmm...)I danced, and yelled, and called my friends in London just to tell them I was drunk of my mind. Drove with a friend and ate at the hawker stall early in the morning.

I created and adventure for me. Even though it was almost nothing, a slow trip of nothings. It was something. It was a change, it was moving. It was watching something different.

I promise myself, I need to make more of life now. Now that The Boyfriend is off on his own adventures, it motivates me to go off on my own too. Maybe drive to small towns in this country. Fly the weekends to cute areas in Asia. Take some time off and ride horses in the countryside of Mongolia.

I could sit around and mope and scream why me, why cant I get sent overseas, why cant I have enough money to go out with friends.

Or I could sit, plan out my expenses, be disciplined about everything, and plan not so impromptu weekends inside and outside.

No mopping, no sulking, no more feeling apologies...

It's been a pretty chill birthday. Yesterday I arrived in the office and e-mailed The Boyfriend to let him know that it was a gloomy gloomy (weather wise) seriously gloomy day hear. He emails back and lets me know that it might cheer up in a bit

About an hour later I get a bouquet of roses from him. I was surprised and thought he had botched up the birthday date when I saw the card and saw the Happy Birthday on it. Then right at the bottom he had written P/s: I know its not your birthday, but wanted to make sure you could bring this back home. hahaha, how practical.

We had a semi fight last week I guess, when I ranted and wrote that angry post here. And somehow in between I had mentioned that when we started dating that much earlier on in the year, he promised me that I wont throw a pity party for my birthday this year. You see, up to maybe last year or the year before last or so, I used to celebrate it alone. At 21, it was a landmark birthday and I thought it would be even better to step up and do it alone. So I flew on my birthday, on the 22nd, I flew as well. And in the spirits of keeping with tradition, tonight I will fly again.

I guess he realized that I had looked forward to spending this birthday with him from the moment he told me I wasnt going to celebrate it alone this year. And somehow, meeting him at the airport terminal in between him coming back and my leaving was not what I had envisioned.

So he spoke to his boss, and said that today was non-negotiable. That he needed to be back in this country. I dont know if he told him why, I dont know if he sold his soul for the weekend in exchange. All I know is, somehow, he managed to secure time for us to be together.

He promises me surprises today. At 6p.m. sharp, I am to receive instructions. I am excited and cant wait. More than that all, I cant even describe how good it feels to have him want to do this for me.

At the stroke of midnight as the magical fireworks dance away, and I leave my prince. As my pumpkin carriage turns into an A380 and my mice horsemen turn into pilots. I leave him behind, and head to the dances, and the life of Spain.

Ill see you in two weeks!

These days or maybe historically its been ever since those days, people.. or more specifically my people, have always felt entitled.

They're entitled to land, they're entitled to education, they're entitled to money. Nowadays, it seems even worse than before, or maybe because people are even less subtle about it. Its all mine mine mine and that I have the divine right to get all these things.

Its so stupid. I fundamentally believe in working hard and reaping your just rewards. Why the hell should I sit here, working insane hours, stressed over my head just so that my money goes to covering your broke arse who's sitting there demanding money for food, and fuel subsidies and scholarships while you do nothing except go to the damn coffee shop, or race freaking motorcycles in the middle of the night.

Why the hell should I help you, if you're not even willing to try and help yourself.

The institutions that be insists that some of these things need to be in place to enable my people to become better, to beat other races. To earn enough to eat. Sure, fine, if you're from a village and are not exposed to the city/ uni and u need to be sent there, then I dont have that much of an issue with it. I do have an issue with you taking up the positions of other much much more hardworking people and slacking off! and spending time at uni of galivanting and having sex, and protesting god knows what and sitting in coffee shops doing nothing, or focusing so much on dating you forget why you're in uni in the first place. If you're going to take the spot of somebody else be better damn sure you deserve it. That you would work your arse off to prove that you deserve it.

Then of course my people complain about the suddenly gone gas subsidies. Perhaps if you stopped changing your fucking handphone every six months, or smoking... or perhaps if you tried to get promoted instead of punching in and out at the exact work second and never pushing yourself beyond what is necessary then you could afford the changes. Again you sit complacently without understanding why things are so.

Did our government fuck up with the economic planning, sure they did. But which gov wont fuck things up? And all you can do is blame blame blame without taking a closer harder look at what you can do with these 'harsh' cards you've been dealt.

Some people say to me, I dont understand, how can I understand. I make so much, Im educated, Im social, I travel the world.

Did you ever think of how much fucking hard work it took to get me here? It makes me even more ashamed to see my people not try and just demand demand demand for things they deem to be their 'divine' right.

Who the fuck said you deserved 'divine' right yo?

I try to help where I can. Give advice when solicited, help people, train people, look over their work. If you come to me and ask, I WILL help you. Because people helped me on my way up. Because I know you took the effort to try and make a change. I hate to open doors to people and have them not appreciate it. Not care about it.

When you are given an opportunity for change an improvement you must ALWAYS put 100% of your will behind it. Work your darndest to get it. Dont just say 'oh, thanks, gee whatever'.

People say, you dont understand, you never failed.

I failed so many times, thats why I am here where I am today

Fucking get a job people. And work at it. Stop being lazy buggers and demanding all these things from everyone else. Look at yourself and see what it is that you're not doing to improve yourselves

All's well in the world again..

The Boyfriend and I made up..

He is coming back

And...

I GOT PROMOTED!!! woohoo!!

"... then thats a problem.." you say to me. "... if you cant deal with it now, then how are you going to deal in the future"

An ultimatum -- deal with it now, or maybe just maybe we wont get through this.

The Boyfriend has been away for close to a month now. When he left, I thought it would be hard not seeing him anymore. He thought it would be good for us. Perhaps after all I was too clingy.

When I got upset tonight though it wasnt at not being able to spend time with him. It wasnt because I needed him to be by my side all the time.

I was upset because he made plans with me in the past. Plans to travel back home together, plans to meet up for brunch, or dinner. Small plans.

I have ceased trying to plan a whole day with him. A few hours... a reward in itself. So sometimes, we plan dates, to fit both our schedules.

I dont like having something to look forward to and then having it all dashed away. I dont like being told (even in jest) to not hope.

My life, my whole life, I have survived because I never dared to hope something good will happen. I strategize and prepare myself for the worst possible thing to happen. I plan for the worst news, I replay deaths and sickness and accidents to remember to detach and be independent. I dream of boyfriends cheating on me, to remember to not love so much... too much.

With him I built hopes, I built dreams. Layers upon layers of clouds filled with love and the future. I looked forward to him coming home after not seeing him in a long time.

When he tells me not to hope. Its like saying, dont trust me, I wont be able to do it. Its like saying, you cant count on me for the future.

I prefer to hope, and know that you tried your best to fulfill our plans, but that circumstances just wouldnt let us.

I dont like thinking that this is your out. That because I am not hoping, its ok to not come back. Its ok to not let me know you wont be able to make it.

You challenge me with an ultimatum? You want me to not hope for you, dream about us anymore? You want me back to the ice queen you fell through oh not too long ago?

You used to worry about me. Worried that I would get bored and run away. Then you knew whatever happened, you would be the one to leave me. That I loved you too much. Did you ever worry you might disappoint me so that I would leave?

Dont give me an ultimatum.

Youre talking to the wrong girl right now. You want no hopes for the future? fine.

My mom just bought me the perfect hair straightener

Even though I had gone to the mall and browsed for a long time trying to assess which one is better than the other then coming back home only to realize it takes a bit damn long to heat mine up.

My mom goes and gets me the perfect one. Ok... she failed to realize its an american plus and therefore I need a converter

Guess nobody's perfect

For the past two weeks The Boyfriend had been away on vacation. He travelled to Thailand, to Cambodia.. to Kashmir and back.

In between we managed to sneak half a day to go out a little bit around this country with his family.

We barely spoke on the phone. Its hard after all to get some reception, any reception up in the mountains in Kashmir.

He came back on a Monday morning, and in two hours flew out again to Singapore for work. Current project for him is quite tough. Hours are long and he is tired. And cranky. And he'll be on this project for a month.

So we still; barely talk.

After he's done, at the end of the month, I am off to sunny Spain for two weeks. I doubt we would talk much for the exact same reasons we didnt talk when he was travelling. It might be a bit expensive.

So in all, we would have barely spoken to each other for about two months.

Ive gotten so used to having him there, listening to me. Hearing him. And now we've been reduced to sporadic e-mails in the day.

I know he's worth it. But I dont know how long I can keep this up. Its almost like not having a boyfriend at all. In a way, even more painful as you're caught in between trying to be independent and not. When he's gone I return back to my independent self. Problem is, I cant differentiate emotions to remember that I am still dependent on him for love.

Its a black and white world for me. And this land in between with no words but just text, once in a while.

I dont know how long I can handle this

What is the world coming to when men rob orphanages...

*looks at bank account*

*bangs head*

I was so good for the past 3 months... then...

*cries*

Sometimes you get so caught up, swept up in glories. Joys of love. That you forget life. You breathe love. Eat love. Sleep love. Its like an addiction that you aren't even aware you're feeding. An addiction you dont even know you need.

The Boyfriend left on Friday for a weeklong holiday with his parents. When he left, I felt... relieved in a way. I made plans for my weekend, I thought about all the classes I wanted to take while he was gone.

Its bad, realizing this addiction that you have.

I promised myself, after The Doctor, that I will keep my life when Im in a relationship. That I would do things, see places. Be myself.

I havent. Ive been so caught up in love. So scared of losing it, that Ive gripped it, held tight to it. So worried to let it breathe, so worried to let it out of my sight for even a second.

While he was gone, I went out, had coffee with my book, did my hair, walked around a little bit. Finished all my errands. Dreamt of travels again. Tried out foot reflexology and relaxed. Looked for shoes. Ate.

I wanted to take French classes, yoga classes.

I guess its the step of recognizing how much you're caught in it. Even if its something this good, to be caught in it, ensnared in it. Tangled in it.

Eventually I will resent him if this goes on. And I love him too much to let that happen.

In the small world of you and me. Curling up with you.

Life is perfect

Malaysia raised its gas prices recently. Whilst having dinner with The Writer, she asked how I was surviving it and I had to honestly tell her, I didnt feel a pinch. That I guess I am too far removed to understand the worries, the concerns on the ground.

So in the spirit of being thrifty and after having a conversation with The Best Friend I figured..

Things I could cut back on
1. Pedicures
2. Hair treatment (though I do only do this once a month)
3. Cooofffeeeeee <- might kill me if I stop... =(
4. Buying magazines - get a subscription to only Zero Degrees and Style:
5. Non-stop travels. I think one big trip a year to country far away is enough.. Or I could do lots of small trips to not so far countries

Actually thats about it. I work too much to actually go out and enjoy myself. Meals covered by the company, and on weekends only once in a while do I go shopping (though I always complain about wanting to go)

Hmm.. so where did all my money go...

Its hard sometimes. When everybody knows you, or when everybody thinks they know you. When nobody wants to hear your fears; push it aside when you bring it up.

For months I have slowly shared my fears with others, and every single time people tell me I'll be fine. Friends tell me Im being too pessimistic. That there is no way such a thing can happen to me. That I am young, and smart and successful.

So after a while I got tired of listening to all the hopes and dreams. To listening to how people brush away my fears.

You put on your poker face, you walk out in the world and everyday the same thing happens. You wake up, you go to work, you come back... work somemore.

Always always always at the back of your mind it bugs you, those fears creep up. And you deal with it in the quiet of the night. Right before you sleep, when you're walking down the street. When you're alone.

My fears were finally confirmed today. The bad news, the gauntlet finally fell.

Luckily I was more than prepared, luckily more than ever, I am ready to freefall once again into the big bad beautiful ugly world.

Soon... very very soon. I will leave the corporate world behind.

I have no idea where I want to go, no idea what I want to do.

But The Boyfriend tells me...

"go out... and conquer the world"

And maybe, just maybe I have reached the freedom to do so...

Its been a whirlwind two weeks, barely sleeping, angry with so many people, behind work as always. Sleeping at 2 am every night, getting up early for work work work and meetings meetings meetings. Where everything is so gosh darn fucking important that we cant push back and end up making questionable end analysis while on a flight to Bangkok.

I did not even get to enjoy the weekend in Bangkok ending up working during training, after training.

I came back sloshed on a Friday night, finally with one night of freedom to get drunk and bitch and de-stress. Then I came back at 3 am and worked drunk. Wrote meeting minutes, sent out decks.

The meeting that went all day Saturday (and was the reason I had to come back) went well. You could see all of us with eyebags under our eyes, so tired when the Principle told us jokingly that we generously could take the rest of the weekend off.

I booked an emergency massage at my masseuse. Finally kneaded out the stress.

I fell asleep sometime while waiting to meet up with The Writer, then I fell asleep for a good 10 hours.

I woke up today much fresher (though i still have bags under my eyes), ran my errands, cleaned my room, unpacked. Finished so many things that had been waiting for me, like finally responding to e-mails and facebook messages. Like getting my accounts back on track. Like getting my hair done.

It feels good. And for the first time in a month, I spent the weekend without any emails from anyone on my team.

I think all of us needed a break... and tomorrow the rat race starts all over again..

He kidnapped me this weekend. Gave me directions as I drove to our cozy little place on top of the hill. With the greatest tea, scones and clotted cream.

We curled up in bed. His arms around me as we took a nap. Held hands as we walked down the road. His arms around the small of my back as we walked the sleepy tea town.

I was happy.

Today I get an e-mail from The Doctor. Trying to keep in touch with me, trying to meet up with me. He may be here soon he says.

I only have memories of The Boyfriend now... of our little place in the hills. With him around me.

I am happy now. And that is all that matters

I saw a picture of The Doctor today. He looked thinner. The same big smile though, the same shaven head.

I tried to remember us. But its eluded me now. A long time coming I guess to get over him and move on with life. I wanted to let go, but the funny thing is, the feeling was already gone. Long evaporated in the night.

How simple life is sometimes, that you spend all your life looking for love. And when you find it, sometimes have it thrown back to you, and you move on, meet other people. How easy it is to have all that love moved somewhere else. Kindled, grown.

You know whats the difference this time? He loves me back. As much as I do him.

It is a great feeling of equality. Knowing that. The difference from so many times before.

He's kidnapping me this weekend. I cant wait!

Do you remember the story I told you about the backstabbing colleague.
Wait, it gets even better...

I knew his girlfriend from last year, back when they first got together and he was trying to show her off to me. At the annual dinner party, The Best Friend told me that she knew her. We were surprised really when they got together. This beautiful young thing, and him.

He loved her, or so he claims. Told me within the first month of them dating that she was the one, that he wanted to marry her. I laughed. And told him then, that I would kill him if he got married before I did. That boy of 20.

A month ago, he broke up with his girlfriend and dated the girl who travelled with me earlier this year. She too, broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. Them getting together was another shocker especially to us in the company. They were both in the company you see.

The Boyfriend and I had decided to lay low, it is nobody in the company's business that we are dating each other. They, on the other hand went the exact opposite way. They told everyone. Even asked the coffee auntie to guess who he was dating. They put it all over facebook. They spent time at work being together.

I felt bad for the ex-girlfriend who had to face the constant barrage of photos of the two of them together.

Last weekend they got engaged. A boy of 21 and a girl of 23. After three weeks of dating. Again, they announced it all over facebook. People in the company got wind of it, and blew it all over the SEA. People were shocked mostly. At the rash indecision of youth. Perhaps love, they said. Perhaps she is pregnant. People asked if their parents knew. People asked what kind of mother did she have to allow such a thing.

I couldnt be happy for them. No matter what. I like the girl, she is what I would have called friend. But I was so incredibly disappointed in her actions. As were many in the company. It was in my face constantly at work, what with the affectionate ways they talked to each other over lunch.

The Boyfriend asked me, why was I so caught up. Let them make the mistake he said. Let them learn on their own.

It hurt me, to be reminded of a girl of 16 who was so in love with her boyfriend she would have done anything to be with him forever. And I told The Boyfriend that, with our heads next to each other in the middle of the night.

But I realized today. Essentially why I couldnt be happy for them. Because I hate him. I just think he is a horrible horrible person for what he did to me. And maybe, because of that I can never forgive him. I do not think people like him deserve happiness. I do not think people like him can fall in love except with themselves.

He does not deserve it. He does not deserve a 'happily ever after'

Perhaps my heart is so small that it cannot forgive. But I was happier with myself when I realized why I was so against it. Happier with myself when I understood that I cannot be happy for a person on whom I only wish bad things to happen. To redeem what he did to me.

I guess the world is filled with those, the people wronged, the people who have wronged others.

And I guess the world cannot always be fair in my favor sometimes

"I had written that I had hung up my dancing shoes"
"What do you mean you hung up your dancing shoes? You can always go dancing, Im never going to stop you"
"I know, but I figured, maybe no more dancing on bar tops in little dresses where no one tells me that Im flashing the world"
"Ok, maybe not that.... But you wanted to learn tango. We can go for tango. So dont hang up the dancing shoes"

***

Saturday night.

We are drunk and happy and surrounded by friends, I am jumping around wildly while he is grooving on the side. Sometimes we reach out and touch each other in the darkness of the night and the pulsating beats of the band.

Our friends come up and dance with me and sometimes shoos me away to his side asking me to never try and be their wingwoman ever again. I am more than happy to be in his arms, dancing like an idiot. Smiling at him, laughing as he holds me close and I lean over too far to pick up a glass.

The nights ends on a high note. Everyone having a good time. As we got in the car, I told him

"I love that we can still do this, go out, you and me, with our friends, and just have a good time, and with them not feeling awkward as well"

***

I guess I didnt hang up my dancing shoes, as it turns out, I just found another pair far more comfortable to wear

When it boils down to it, what becomes more important? Money or the dream?
As I lazed in bed with The Boyfriend today, curled up in the nook of his shoulder we talked about dreams and possibilities. Of quitting working, setting up a business somewhere, running it fully, happily, chasing lifelong wants of things we had always aimed to do. His supreme excel skills though would be wasted on my efforts, taking a back seat to a life of leisure and schmoozing.

Then he reminded me, of the upcoming possibility of a promotion, and the hefty salary increase that comes together with it. Amounts I could never forsee if I ventured off on my own. A return I could not even imagine until many many years down the line.

But we wondered though, him and I, if it would still be worth it. To have that peace and calm in life and to say fuck it all and go off and do something you want.

He gallantly offered me his window sill as a place to stay temporarily if I ever got evicted.

The dream or the money?

Work has been pretty bad lately. I guess with a 4 week deadline looming near, we have no choice but to move things fast fast fast and get things done done done! The long weekend was a welcome. Even though I was the only one working on Labour day from the office, managed to get everything done (so was fairly efficient without any distractions), had the meeting on Friday morning (even though I should be compensated for the Thurs work) and it was off! for the weekend!

My Blackberry stayed on though, that demonic beast

So I spent Friday vegetating in the house which was bliss!
Saturday was spent fighting with the boyfriend. Even though we managed to
a) Condo hunt together
b) I managed to go to Strip
c) Had lunch with me me me! at Bodegas and Mojo Picon dip! I swear the waiters were making a bet on how much I could eat (I had the Big Breakfast AND Mojo Picon)and coffee and my book
d) Checked out FJ Benjamin sale - not impressed. Cant believe I waited in line! Also made me super claustrophobic and willing to pay price premium to get me out of the crowd!
e)Shopped some more. New books out! By Chabon! and Oondatje! and Jumpa Lahiri and Murakami! Bought the Chabon book. Will get to the rest later. Am currently reading strange book recommended by The Boyfriend.
f) New clothes! Generally should make me happier but was still angry with Boyfriend
g) Massage : woman almost killed me by strangling me when she massaged my neck
h) Fought and made up with Boyfriend
i) Worked a bit more - to catch up and make me feel less guilty about going out the next day

On Sunday I crept quietly into his place with they keys he gave me and offered a peace offering of apricot nectar. Made up some more and went for brunch! at our usual Sunday spot. I love having sunday brunch with him here. Its quiet and its just us, relaxing having a lazy Sunday

FYI: Paul decided not to come to Pavillion! *dies!* I was looking forward to having the great french chocolate cakes and hot chocolate that I used to sip on the streets of Paris. We were both shocked as we walked by to check if it was open. Shocked! to see it had instead been replaced with Corningware! He patted my hair gently as the shock slowly started to sink in

I realized that the only thing I need really is to spend some quality hours just me and him. And then Im ok, I can go off on my own, in fact I want! to go off on my own. And its much better for the both of us. He agrees, so we'll try and arrange something out

*Had yelled out in melodramatic sense* " I am NOT a MEETINGPLACE GIRLFRIEND"

So it was pretty nice today, went shopping a lil more (I seriously dont shop much,I just ended up buying three tops over span of two days)

And the weekend has kept a smile on my face for tom =)

Things are not always so pretty in the Land of Us. Not always so bright and cheery and happy. Sometimes like today I feel like strangling the boyfriend. Like pummeling his head in with a pillow or something.

I guess at the end of the day. It is my own damn fault. For letting him not appreciate me. For feeling like a doormat they way I do like today. It is my fault for not standing up and saying no whenever he asks me to come until its reached a point where he knows I will come every time he beckons. Where its reached a point that he knows I love him, always remembers that, perhaps feels immune to that.

We fought today. In those silent fighting ways I am so accustomed to. When I turn my feelings inside and become cold. When my face is a blank unfeeling mask. Except he was'nt there to appreciate it. He was off on his own, doing his own things. As he puts it, he had made plans for today. And obviously it didnt involve me.

The land of us isnt pretty sometimes. And days like today makes me question if its even worth it? To be so in love with someone you end up forgetting to love yourself first and foremost.

Watching him work. Him walking to me. His head in my neck. His kisses on my cheeks and my lips. Watching him laugh. Smile.

I fall deeper in love with him

Ive gotten older. My dancing shoes hung high tucked away. My skimpy outfits folded and set aside. I cover my skin now, more conscious of social pressures to look as classy as a woman my age should. I do not shed my jeans now, or my mini skirts now, because sometimes I still need to return to the she I was before.

I miss it sometimes, the life I had left behind when I stepped into the Boyfriends arms. He doesnt bind me himself (God bless him), but through him I feel like growing up, settling down, slowing down more. We talked about it, many times before. Of the things we've always promised ourselves we've wanted to do. Ive wanted to climb a mountain, finish a marathon, volunteer, travel to small towns, leave, return, study, read, to enjoy art in its purest form, to learn to dance again. He's wanted to do oh so many things to, to travel, join the equestrian club, run more, learn french cooking.

We both wanted so many things before us happened.

We want to keep our lives the way it was. To hang out with other people, to do other things. To not be joint at the hip. After all it becomes boring sometimes to realize that almost everything you do you do with each other. We need breathing space too sometimes.

The woman I was was colder, soulless. The Ice Queen he used to dub me at my uncanny abilities to switch my emotions on and off.

The woman I am now is warmer, mushier, I cry easier, I love easier.

Yes, sometimes I miss that other woman so much.

I need to figure it out somehow, to still be able to do the things Ive wanted to do, to hang out with other people, to make new friends, yet to still spend time with him. To enjoy each others company. It is a balancing act trying to separate the Me and the Us.

I dont want to suffocate him, like I did The Doctor. I dont want to want to be with him always.

Its not that easy. I still dont know how.

Special shout out to the friends up in HK! May this story bring many a cheers to your face

***

This weekend the Boyfriend (Buddy will henceforth be named as what he really is); got kidnapped by yours truly and brought over to a quiet place in the middle of nowhere. With the gurgling streams and the whispers of crickets (though essentially the night ended with me walking over to the neighbours to tell them to TURN DOWN THE MUSIC and me waking up in the morning and walking to the bbq pit to yell at them to TURN DOWN THE MUSIC - dear Writer, my memories of this place was not as quiet as yours)

So we talked and laughed and loved and all that jazz.

In the morning as we were taking a shower I asked him if I could borrow his toothpaste. He said sure go ahead. So I walk over to his ziploc bag, take out his toothpaste and start brushing my teeth. It didnt foam as much, so I was thinking perhaps he uses an herbal toothpaste that doesnt foam.

I pick up the tube.

'Acne treatment cream'

I start spluttering and the Boyfriend peeps from behind the shower curtain. I show him the tube (whilst continuously spluttering) and watch his face turn to sheer horror.

"keep on rinsing!!!"

Its nice to know he loves me enough to worry about my getting poisoned

- The end -

Last year I had a colleague, a friend. We got along fine, sometimes we would hang out after work. Have coffee, talk about life.

I always suspected he had a little crush on me. An idea I never wanted to or got to test. But his constant calling to hang out, him dropping little hints about girls he likes. All these little things as a woman who has gone out on many dates, caused some affairs and fallen in love so many times would be able to tell.

But I let it be, and went on with my life and he with his.

Then during an excursion away, I went on with my wanton and sinful ways. The men I chose were of varying levels and walks of life. Some people know of, many of whom save for my roommate knew about.

On one of those nights in my stupid slumber I could barely stand up straight and ended up leaning on a few people. All in the name of good fun mind you.

Now he, being the avid photographer that he is, decided to snap a picture of me in my drunken state slumped over a superior. Needless to say, I did not look oh so flattering.

Thing is, the next day I had talked to him, told him about how I was so stupid the night before. About my worries and concerns that I would be labeled as something around the office.

He listened to me.

And when all of us came back from the excursion, he decided to send this picture out to EVERYONE in my southeast asian office. Partners, Managing Directors, Head of SEA, you name it, he had sent it out.

My shock horror at being ridiculously stabbed in the back was so great I was stupefied.

Some good friends then decided to delete the picture from the folders. But of course the damage was done.

I got called in and talked to by THREE separate Managers, I spoke to the Head of SEA. I was talked about around the office.

When someone asked this 'friend' of mine why he did it. He just brushed it off saying if I didnt want it to have been circulated, I shouldnt have done it. In fact, he finished off the conversation by saying, "oh everyone knows anyway"

All this after I had told him how I felt about that night.
I walked away from the friendship. Never looked back. When his gf asked me to his birthday party I declined. When someone suggested farewell drinks, I declined.

I was the happiest person to see him leave when he did.

Then he decided 5 months later to come back as life would not give him the job he wanted in a country far away.

He came back and recently has been going after a fellow colleague. The drama in the office heighthened by the fact that they both had partners. She, having split with her recent boyfriend, him deciding after having her close enough in his grasp to leave his gf.

A large part of me wanted to destroy him at this point. Whilst he was hanging out far too much with her I thought about informing his gf. I thought about posting up the ridiculous pictures of them together on the pantry of our office. Or better yet to email it out to everyone with the subject : CHEATER

I wanted to destroy him so bad. I still do.
But being with Buddy changed that for me. If I was alone, I wouldnt mind, I wouldnt worry about throwing myself in the vindictive role of ex friend. I would have gone that extra mile to see if I could just step on him, kill his career as he attempted to kill mine.

But Im with him, and loving him. The hardest thing to do, is to acknowledge when something is right or something is wrong. To be bigger than you would like to be. To step away from something.

Because I love him. And I dont want to turn into this ugly crazy gf who's wrath stretches on forever.

And I know. Karma will come and kick his arse. One day soon

Check out randomalphabets.com for the moment of solidarity in KL. A group of ppl decided to come together for a flash mob. Instead of yelling and protesting though, this time all they did was to "freeze" mid-movement to show that regardless of race, age, gender, sexual preferences, ideas. We are all and can all be united as one.

So Buddy and I were walking around the mall today for our regular Sunday brunch when my sister sends me an sms to let me know about this event. Coincidence enough we were at the exact location that they had mentioned they were going to.

We walked around, Buddy and I. I looking crappier than most times with my hair just got shoved and rubbed against a fuzzy rug look without makeup or heels on.

We reach the site and lo and behold! everyone had freezed! It was quite funny actually. There were some who were bending down to tie shoelaces, some who were talking etc. Everyone just froze. So Buddy walks me over all excitedly (I thought dear god please do not let this man walk around poking all these frozen ppl) and he stops and freezes. Holding on to his arm, I had no choice but to freeze with him.

We waited four minutes while shoppers milled around surprised at what was going on, not truly comprehending. People came around snapping pictures and some directly at us, after all he was the only foreigner there involved. And to be holding hands with a local girl! Right up their propaganda alley.

Four minutes later everyone just starts walking away. Shocked a few people I think. Hahahhaha.

Then it hit us both, no one knows that were dating. And it turned out this was going to be on the news! and the websites! eeepppsssss!

Ah well. Buddy turns to me. And says
Yea, I wanted people to see, Im white and she's brown, and were happy together

*edit - over 1,000 people strong... Its nice to see the next generation can make a change*

It is easy to want Independence, to crave Independence.
It is not so easy to handle Independence.

The road to truly being Independent is rocky, scruffy, often lonely. But once you get past the hurdles and the sharp falls and the deep bends, then you know you have made it. You realize your survival instincts are honed and sharp.

It means being left along in the dirt, hungry, poor, depressed and starved. It means not remembering if anyone loved you or cared for you or even wanted to be with you. It puts you on a path of self- discovery to truly understand who you are. To know your limitations, to live within the means you have set yourself.

I think sometimes people have very different misconceptions of Independence. You cannot claim to be one but be dependent on others. It goes against the very grain of your core.

Maybe thats just me, but when did I truly realize I was independent? When Ive gone through depression, hunger, intense material jealousy and utter cynicism of the world we live in. It was countless hours crying, trying to figure things out, trying to dig myself out of the mess I had fallen into. When it was me, myself and I, trying to solve the problems that I had created.

Maybe some ppl are luckier than me, and they dont need to fall so low to realize how far theyve come. But one cannot be independent and still demand from others. Thats not independence, thats just denial

I take a long hot shower. Slather soap, shampoo, conditioner.
I walk out towel dry, blow my hair, straighten it.
I lotion my body up, my body down. Extra moisturizer on my face before I go to bed.
Brush my teeth, visit the dentist
I go to the hairdressers, treat my hair, cut my hair, shape my hair, mask my hair.
I get my feet rubbed, and scrubbed, lotions and painted.
I buy new outfits, try on different colors.
I meet you in my best lingerie, my best outfit.

My shoes are high to accentuate the legs you love wrapped around you.
My handbag sure to match my outfit.

Makeup minimalist just the way you like it.

I walk in, and you dont notice it.
You notice me instead. Inside, the woman inside.

I love you for it. And for sometimes whispering to me...
you look pretty when the sun is coming down behind you and golden rays dance on your skin

And your hands trace the lace of my body. And your lips dance over the crook of my neck. When you slowly unwrap me like a gift. When I lay down next to you. When we see ourselves in the mirror and realize ... no matter how beautiful I feel all dressed up. I feel most beautiful deliciously naked besides you

Am so tired.
So exhausted.
Need sleep

ah.. yet again...
with a shrug and a sigh...he builds back walls we have both broken down...

Ive been swamped with work. Slowly, unknowingly to me... they have been lulling us into enjoying ourselves with 7.30p.m. office closures and case team dinners.... then WHAM!
All the work piles up. Ah well, at least there is something to do every day now, instead of mucking around while pretending to do work.

The trip to that tropical paradise was wonderful. Buddy and I barely left the room. Opting instead to rent a DVD player, bring some DVDs and cuddle up for some movies. We ordered room service, read and when we couldnt bear the thought of all the money we had waster to just stay inside in a tropical paradise, we dragged ourselves out, walked hand in hand by the beach, built a sand castle together, swam together and tanned (or burned in his case) together. We also went out for dinner.... three times.

It was good being with him and just him with no cares about work or the real world. It was nice to be able to hold hands and kiss in public and go back together. All those things you used to take for granted in the US.

We had talked a few days before we left and he started a conversation about jewellery which abruptly had to be stopped since we had to get off the phone. He insisted on continuing the topic of conversation on our holiday.

So whilst in the car, I brought up the topic and lo and behold! he asks me.
"So whats important in an engagement ring?"

Yes my dear friends. My jaw fell open, my stomach fell to my knees.

I blinked.

"You mean to me, or to women in general?"
*pause*
"both"

and so we entered a discussion on it. No, he did not pop the question, nor did I even expect him to ask. After much deliberation with the best friend I had decided to not even try to think of the future and to let it be as it is. So, we discussed it as how we discussed every other topic. Rationally, calmly, laced with facts and figures.

I didnt think about it, nor do I want to think about it. I dont want to jump the gun. I dont want to ponder.

But it opened the door... Am I ready? Will I ever be ready?

Wow... that girl who sang let it be on American Idol was really good. You can deff feel her heart pouring into it.

All my bags are packed. Well one bag. Stuffed. For a weekend away with Buddy. I am off! to a resort island where we would while away the time staring into each others eyes, cuddling up while watching DVDs, ordering room service, and pretty much rarely leaving the room. It will be bliss... You dont want to be there.

In 3 weeks time, I will kidnap him and whisk him off to that remote place where no internet wave or cell phone wave can penetrate through. Where the sounds of crickets (perhaps) would serenade us into slumber.

Apparently the month after, Buddy has something up his sleeve. A place he, in turn would like to bundle me up and whisk me away to.

We discussed it, and he decided it would be best for us to not see each other on the weekdays, so that we can finish up whatever we are supposed to finish up. So that on weekends he can enjoy time with me and I with him where we won't worry about stressing the other person out. About that giant rush for time.

We have moved so fast we are like an old couple. Comfortable with each other but still-cant-wait-to-ravage-you stage. Its a nice stage.

In the middle of one night, he tells me he is thinking about the medium and long term future of us. And he cant decide. He cant tell if we would last that long or if we should last that long.

I am resigned to the fact that he will break my heart. That he will change his mind.
But I have learnt to love him one day at a time. And it is helping me.

Am house hunting...
Wanna get a cosy home for me!

I was with Buddy at a concert today. Some of our friends who had no idea we were dating showed up as well and we had to play it cool. To not show it. While a performer was on stage, I came to realize the backup dancer was an ex of mine! or looked really similar to an ex of mine. Seeing that we had'nt seen each other for over five years, I figured it was fine to mention it to Buddy. Plus I was excited... like I said, I havent seen him in so long.

As we stood there, guess who walks by with his girlfriend... Car guy! I almost said hi to him as a natural instinct. But didnt. But I mentioned it to Buddy as he stood besides me.

He is running. And sometimes I cannot stop him. My past is catching up even faster now. Faster and faster and faster. I dont know if he can forgive me my past sins. I dont know if he can accept me for my past life.

He is ready to run, and I cannot hold him down anymore.

I guess its been a while since I wrote about things other than men. And after a while, I guess that can be boring.

The most recent election was one of the most fascinating one that we've had. Ever. Pivotal changes happened when the government coalition that had ruled for about 50 years was brought crumbling down to its knees losing 5 major states.

What are the implications? The rich states are gone. The policies that protect the rights of certain racial groups wiped out in the north.

There has been some backlash on that abolishment of what some people consider their "right"

Ive always been against the new economic policy. I dont think Malays need to have special rights over someone else just because we were born with certain color skin. I dont think we need "help". And the thing that pissed me off the most was when people would ask if my prestigious company had a Malay "quota" and to say to me that I got my scholarship because Im Malay.

Here's a little tip to you. I got here because I busted my ass, just like all the chinese, just like all the other Malays who have succeeded. Do not try to demean my achievements by saying it is because of the color of my skin. Its not. Did the NEP help me? to be honest I dont know. I think it might have helped my parents way back when it was needed.

Its not anymore. Its a good thing theyre taking it away. We are after all, all equals. I am not handicapped, my people are not handicapped. We can make it on our own thank you very much.

Plus. So many of those higher ups are abusing the NEP. Its not doing what its meant to do, which is to protect the poor. Lets base the help on need now, not race.

I agree with this statement...


Nazri: We may see end of NEP

By SHAHANAAZ HABIB

Newsdesk@thestar.com.my

KUALA LUMPUR: The election results signal the beginning of the possible demise of the New Economic Policy (NEP) and special rights for the Malays, said Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz.

The Umno supreme council member said it appeared that the Malays, especially in the town areas, had become more confident now and felt they could compete with the other races on a level playing field.

“We (Umno) have to really sit down and think. It looks like the educated Malays do not care about Malay rights anymore,” he said when contacted.

“The Malay doctors, lawyers, engineers feel they have made it on their own merit.

“It looks like the NEP is not something that can be used to persuade the Malays to support the Barisan Nasional.

“The Malays are saying ‘you can’t scare us by talking about us losing our rights, because we are here on our own merit’.”

Nazri said it looked like some Malays felt that the NEP was unfair, and questioned why special rights should be given to the Malays.

He described the new confidence among the Malays as good for the Malay psyche.

In the just concluded election, the Barisan only managed a simple majority in Parliament, and lost five states (Kedah, Selangor, Kelantan, Penang and Perak) to the Opposition.

The Opposition had largely said they would dismantle the NEP and put in a place a new affirmative action policy based on need rather than race.

Nazri, who retained his Padang Rengas parliamentary seat by a majority of 1,749 votes, said he barely survived the political tsunami.

He said the youngsters – Chinese, Indians and Malays – who returned from Kuala Lumpur to vote in Perak had tried to persuade their parents, who are Barisan supporters, to either not go out to vote or vote for the Opposition.

“I only survived because of my personal touch with the voters,” he said.

He believed the political landscape in the country had changed irreversibly and that all parties would now have to work harder.

“Every wakil rakyat will have to work to win the hearts of the people. This is good for Malaysia because, at the end of the day, it is the rakyat who benefits,” he said.

I want to go mad shopping very bad.

Very very bad me...

The Italian is back. Coming back into contact with me after yet another long hiatus.

This time around, I do nothing. This time around I say its over.

Cant wait for Buddy to come back and wrap me in his arms and whisper sweet nothings into my ear.

Goodbye Italian...
Until I need u again

Its so easy to fall in love with you. I am shocked. Surprised more than anything else, about how easy it is to have the flodgates open and to receive your gentle touches, kisses, caresses. To receive you with open and welcoming hands.

I guess I have been so starved of tenderness, kindness that the simplest gestures brings me crashing to my knees. Keeps my eyes open. Looking at you. Falling for you.

Its not so easy to fall out of you. To take a step back and think about this. About us. About how we are moving so fast. To remind myself to not throw myself into this hurricane of emotions. Of passion. Of you and me and the idea of forever.

We need to enjoy the now. But the now is so good I am looking forward to a future.

Its not so easy to fall out of you. But I know I have to. I am older now. Its not easy losing control like this. Going crazy like this.

It shocked me. How much I miss you. How much I could miss you. Scared me. All I thought about today was the thought of running away from you. Away from this all.

You hurt me sometime last week. And we talked about it, and it wasnt intentional and I know it. But it surprised me. Scared me. How easy it was that a sentence out of your mouth was enough to reduce me to tears to want to just run! run! run! as fast away as I could from you.

You told me today. We are both scared. Both afraid of getting hurt. But we shouldnt let that ruin things.

But I know deep down inside, I have fallen deeper than you. Further than you. And the thought of not seeing you there at the other end...

Scares me silly.

I curled up today. In the bed smelling of us. Wrapped your sheets around me. Soaked in the happiness that I have always had. The smile I always end up wearing because of you. The simple memories of our simple life together.

Maybe this isnt forever. But for now its damn good. I have to learn. To appreciate the now more. And to not want the forever future

I miss him...

*looks into wallet and bank account*

*bangs head on table*

*cries*

He told me he was leaving... Going away for a week to work and enjoy his holiday.
We talked about it, his leaving. I was scared he want going to come back. I thought he would meet a cute little beach bunny, and mesmerized by the sun and the surf and the sand, he would leave me here while he lived there.

I was afraid. And in the car while we talked about it, he held my hand and told me no. He wasnt going to meet anyone, he was going to stay true... to me.

I sat silent, un-trusting. In my hearts of heart I knew he was going to be seduced. He was going to fall in love. He wasnt coming back.

I watched him leave. He held my hand and gave me a kiss and the keys to his apartment.

I watched him smile and knew that the largest part of me wanted him happy. Wants him happy. No matter what happens between us.

I was right.

This morning I get a text message from him

"I love xxx"

My darling Silverwolf. Your country has seduced him beyond anything. He is happy in his fleeting moments of arriving and I am so scared he will want to move there permanently.

Without me.

Though I think it would have been perfect. A country where a mixed relationship could thrive. Where both he and I would feel at home.

We'll see how serious he is.

We'll see how serious we are.

"My leave was approved! Yay! I'll be leaving probably on my birthday for two weeks"
"On your birthday?"
"Yeah... Im used to not cele..."
"You know what. Im going to follow you to the airport this year and send you off, so that you cant bullshit about always celebrating your birthday alone and being all 'Oh, Im all alone on my birthday' and melodramatic. Thats right. You have someone now, so this year we'll celebrate together. So there"
*I am shocked speechless for a little bit*

few seconds later

"Oh... but the airports pretty far... hmm, maybe you should just go by yourself"

hahaha

I want to say this is a first, but sometimes the brain erases what the heart cannot and I cannot break into the abyss of my mind to remember times like these, when someone did this.

Buddy is fighting for me.
I never thought I would see the day anybody would do that.

We are adults now. I cant pretend were not anymore. Our lives moving on and suddenly *poof*

We're mature responsible adults.

But when you hold my hand across the table. When you let me bite you. When you kiss me. When you put your hands in my pocket as we walk. I feel young. I feel like a teenager. I dont want to feel like an adult with you.

Is it possible? that my life has just become one big contradiction? To become the one thing I hate most.
Those couples

Part of me worries. A huge part of me.

That you will leave me. The more you get to know me. That you will realize I am a damaged good. Un-Salvageable.

I wanted to see pictures of you in your past life. Because I dont know if you want me in yours forever?

It is one thing to not know. But it is simply another to know that you do not see us in a future together.

So I needed those pictures, to help me build my walls. So that one day, when you leave (as I am sure you inevitable will... they all leave) I will have something to lean against as I cry to myself over losing you.

What we have is so adult. Sometimes it scares me.

What we have is sometimes not enough. That I know you dont love me.

Scares me.

I dont know what lessons we learn as we grow older. I just hope we do.

Was fun =)
Though buddy was too tired... and we didnt talk much. It was fun being in public with someone you care about. Holding hands, having him nuzzle me.

Its been a while since Ive been brought out on the town. And he plans to have more dates!
Yay!

On a more unhappier note. I came back to realize that I had made quite a distinct blunder in one of my work modules. Fixed it of course, thank god before anyone caught on... but then the damage has been done and I had to inform my boss.

Plus, had to stay up later than planned to fix this mistake

=_=

All I wanted to do was crawl into the nook of buddy's neck and arm and harm him wrap himself around me and tell me things are going to be ok.

But then, shook my head, shaped up and remembered, I have to be able to do this by myself, just as I always have...

While I whiled away my time waiting for you, I journeyed across pits and downfalls, dark caves and ravines. I saw sunshine and caught breezes. Rainbows flowing after a downpour.

I learnt much, while waiting for you. I learnt to be more independent, to not cling too much, to not live my life through you. I learnt that for both of us to be happy. We both need to have our own lives, our own breathing space. I learnt I can be happy without you and I can be happy with you.

Im glad you came later on in my life. And Im glad I came later into yours. When you figured out how to control the passion so that it doesnt burn bright and blue and quick and fast and dies. When you saw signs of my high lovesickness and worried it would wane just as quickly.

You helped nurture this, this burning bright passion light. To make sure we dont crash and burn between our caresses and kisses. And I am older now, wiser now, to notice when I am pushing you away, without even realizing it. Really.

This time around, I will be a better partner, or vow realistically to try and be a better partner to you, for you.

Im glad you are away this weekend, though I would love nothing more than to have joined you on yet another wonderful trip elsewhere. Im glad I traveled on my own without you and glad that both of us can.

I like this missing you. This feeling of wanting you. And you're right. I get bored so so easily, its important for us to control it.

I like that you miss me, and send me random messages at random times of days. Gentle reminders that you too are missing me as much as I miss being with you.

We are friends, first and foremost. Individuals linked together by our common passion and care for one another. And I never want to steal your life away from you. Never take you for granted. Im just glad to be a part of this. This time around.

Did you know about me? Here? Now?
Did you know that I am back, probably better than I was before.
Did you know that I found someone, single, attentive, caring who wants to give us a chance.
To kindle the flames and not burn out from passion.

Muse.
He reads the kind words, soft words, painful words of what you used to write about me.
See, he doesnt know about me... here..
I am in my sanctuary here. My huntress skills developed, honed.
My seductive ways, vile and disgraceful.

He does not know me. Here.

You though,
You have always lived in my deepest darkest thoughts,
You have always been by my side in the bleak.

The field of daffodils runs wild and free
And for once, I am sitting in the middle basking.

I am a bore when I am not depressed and torn. I know.

Muse.
He is sad sometimes, about the life I have had to live. He wishes sometimes, that I didnt have to had gone through it. Most of it.
I think he likes you most because of that
Because at times, you capture exactly what it is, he is thinking.

I cannot change my past, for him.
It is something we both are living with everyday.
He curbs my enthusiasm about us... so afraid that I will get bored.

He cares about me muse.
And you remind him that he is not alone.

Perhaps I am wrong, and you have long since disappeared into an abyss, moved on to another field. Swam the ocean away.

But your past thoughts keep him company and teach him about the me I used to be. When I was hurt, when I was in pain.

He tells me this. His sadness for my past life.
And I tell him,

When you think of me... Picture me happy. Build joy around me.

At least though my life has not always been, in your thoughts I always will be.

I am sorry muse, that I can be your muse no longer. My angst and despair long abandoned me. My whimsical carefree spirit long gone.
I have turned into an unpoetic heathen, resting peacefully into an ordinary life.

But that is my dream no? Sometimes, to live a life far more ordinary...

I was walking down the street with him, in the middle of the night bathed by moonbeams; holding hands

He told me things.. things to think off, things to ponder...
Then he casually dropped the giant B word

yeaps. That boyfriend word.

I was stunned. Surprised, given the context of the conversation. Thought about it, thought about things we had said to each other. Then I decided.

Im heading off the market.
He offered me shackles... laced with promises of love and hope.
He offered me a forever the way he defined it.

And Im taking it.

So, I bid adieu, amidst some tearful goodbyes, to the past that I no longer have, a welcome hug to the straight line curve of the future. No deviations.

And of course, I had to actually inform the many men.

Prodigy II was surprised, mentioned jokingly how there's no one left in the country who would randomly meet with him.

The Friend thought he would be able to make up for lost time with me when he got back this time.

The Sculptor pretty much said goodbye and stopped contacting me for any more art shows.

Interesting this, the lives we live. The people we choose to be with.

He told me, how deep the water may be, to not jump in too fast. To enjoy, go slow.

Breathe.

So Im holding his hand. Binding myself to him and only him. For now.
And were going to breathe. And take it only one day at a time. No rush for the future... it can wait

So can the men

I remember a time so long ago, when two girls walked out of school together, scarfed down lunch together. Talked together, didnt talk together. Held hands and walked in a mall together.

I remember conversations and hurt and anger and smiles and laughter. I remember sharing secrets and hopes and dreams. But most of all I remember sharing nothing at all.

I remember the heartfelt bloodline we had between us.

"If you had to choose, between me and a boy, I would say you should choose the boy... because you will always have me"

Perhaps I am not so able to do that.

I do not remember asking you of much, not at all.
But I asked you in that moment, I asked you... I asked you to not do it. For my sake, not do it.

But you did. And in between my pendulous swing of being ok with it or not, you said to me. "I dont know if youre ok with it, but if you feel this way, then maybe it would be better if I didnt"

I thought then that our friendship meant more than any man. Just like it has for so long. Just as it had.

But you did. And you jumped and you landed in open arms.

Can you understand my hurt? Can you understand my betrayal?

If you are happy, then I am happy for you. But I cannot be happy with you.

I dont want to talk about him, or about you and him. I dont want to know

And I dont understand why you think I need to know. Why you need to rub the salt of a broken promise into the wound of a hurt friendship.

I will always love you. The child in me will never let go of your hands. The girl in me will never forget our time together.

I will always love you, but I cannot always be here for you. And I think its unfair that you want me to. That you insist this is something I need to know.

I do not tell you everything. And thats the honest truth, because some things are too hurtful to say. Some things you do not need to know.

You and I, we are ok. But do not try to force this man into the small space between us. Especially not after our pledges and promises.

No man will come between us.

So as a sign of my taking over my life... again.. I went to the doctors. You know, give myself a clean bill of health and all that.

HAHAHAHAHAH
Man.. I think the big guy up there really knows how to tell a joke.

*will not panic, not until final results come in*

Im making myself sick with all this drama.
Im stopping it.

Im stopping it. Now

Hush...

I am in love with you.

I need to fall out of it soon. Before you hurt me.

Your eyes into mine. The way you look at me. Your hand on my face. Your body on mine. Our lips. Our arms. Our warmth.

I never meant to ruin any of it. Any of your images of me. Your hopes for us.
I am never going to be your white sheet. I am never beautiful inside out.

I am scarred... battered and bruised by life. By men. By people who love me and leave. By people I love and loved

I smile, and I talk about them, and I talk to them. I pretend nothings happened between us, because I have to. Because I have to. Forgiveness is not a luxury I have to bestow at my own prerogative.

I have to... to live.

Im sorry. Im sorry that my past clashes with our present. That I cannot give you a fresh start.

I am sorry that I am the knife searing your happiness.

I watch you. See you. Across the table, looking away. All I want is to touch you. All I want is to kiss you. All I want is to love you.

Our past conversations. You telling me you dont know if its serious, if Im jumping the gun, if Im planning on us spending together forever. You saying you dont trust me.

Hurts. Me.

I think of you on the phone, talking to someone else, to a life you left behind, easy love you left behind. Familiar faces, familiar kisses, familiar hugs. You tell me you dont want to hurt her.

You talking to her, not telling her, hurts. Me.

I think of all that and I build it up again. The walls surrounding my heart. Fence the open fields.

You dont have to worry about us spending together forever. I think your answer to that conversation is long over. I will enjoy the luxury that is now.

And I will love you for the seconds we have

Gossip girl is AWESOME
yay for Indonesian connection!

Cuddle Buddy didnt even wait to say goodbye today
Or messaged
or responded to my message

and didnt even ask me out on a date. Opting for instead to sit inside and have dinner.
hhharrrrummmppphhh

*sulks in a corner*

He is looking away as he tells me "I dont know if I can trust you"
Single handedly crushing me without betrayal by my stoic expression.

I guess I shouldnt be trusted. He knows of my past, of the people, of my merciless huntress ways. He knows I couldn't care less about some of the people I bed. About the girls who's relationship Ive destroyed.

He has no reason to trust me whatsoever. Sometimes, I barely trust myself.

I tell him if he wants out to tell me know, so that I can prepare what little is left of my tiny soulless heart and body. But he doesnt have to for me to put the walls back up where he had started crushing down. To fence my feelings. To push him and his small gestures of affections away.

The damage has been done I guess. No way to repent, to recant.

I considered just letting go. Cutting him off. Not worth it. Can you imagine what kind of craziness would happen later on if we actually became serious? I considered saying "you know what, forget it, Im done" If he cant trust me, then what is the point after all?

But I looked at him, and considered what I had at stake. I considered all the sweetness and goodness in the world encompassed in him. I considered the ways he had always treated me, before friendship and even in this gray in between world.

Im not ready to give up without a fight.

He refuses to be my conquest. Does not want to be yet another number, yet another nickname in my life. So we take it slow. Baby steps. One by one. How the tables have turned on me on this one. How I walk tip-toe to not hurt my friend.

I think he is worth the wait. I think he is worth fighting for.
So I tell him that, and that I will wait to see what could happen between us.

We have time to live and learn after all. We have time for space and hugs and kisses. We have time to fall in love if we were meant to.

I would never hurt him. Never on purpose, never as a sport. He is not a physical conquest, but an emotional one. But not over him... its over myself

He walked into my room. Said hello, looking cute in his shirt and tie. Was so tempted to kiss him I had to walk out and get my cup of coffee and breathe.

I cant believe I miss spending time with him
*bashes head against wall*

What is wrong with me?

Buddy just got back from another weekend on the surf. He brought me a gift this time around. A seashell in perfect shape. I was taken aback by the gift. The simplicity of 'I was thinking about you' wrapped in its porcelain skin. The gesture, as he curled up next to me and told me I smelled like sausages (in a bad way, not some weird sausage fetish thing going on there)

We talked about my next weekend plans. He mentioned jokingly (I think) how he thinks he should come along if not I might get hit on by two other male friends.

I dont think we are there yet, but monogamy lurks high on our list. Well I guess he is automatically programmed to be monogamous (I hope). I had to remind myself.

Last night as we danced, Weekend man and a few of my friends, I thought how simple it would be to just dance with weekend man and drop a few hints that I was interested. As he walked me back with me clinging deathly to his arm (heels... dude)I thought how simple it would be for me to invite myself upstairs. How easy it wouldve been all around.

But I didnt. And as I looked around at the full brimming club with its beautiful people, checking out both guys and girls, I thought that I could easily get with someone... except I realized I didnt want to.

I think I caught monogamy from you guys.

Funny thing is, we are still not in the stage where we should be calling ourselves monogamous. Hell, he even sent me a message to tell me he had explicitly clarified our non-relationship status with some shop owners who had been asking about me.

Yeah, I wasnt sure how I felt about that.

Anyways... if Taboo came back right now though... I dont know if I could remain with Buddy. I feel like Taboo could easily take care of me. That I can sit back and relax just a bit, and have him run the show.

Buddy makes me feel like an equal. That we're in it together.

I dont know man. Urgh... Generally I go by my default judgement of who has the cutest butt, but the both win in that dept, then its the who looks best without their shirt on, but they both look so good like that!

Then I guess it boils down to who cares about me more, and Buddy wins hands down.

Then I guess its who do I care about more, and its a close run between the two of them with Buddy in the front.

That perfect seashell. Perfect perfect perfect.

Im still scared to fall for him

The wolf says Im like a pendulum swinging. One instance I talk about hopping on the bike of Buddy's motorcycle and revving off into our white picket fence and the next I roll my eyes and say that whatever it is he might be feeling for me isnt real and cant be real. That I am simply a result of all the boxes he had crossed off.

Why dont I go for it? I dont know. To be honest my wavering feelings for him go from exuberance to sheer falls. And truth be told, I have no idea what he feels for me. Whether he is interested in something more or not. Its something the both of us need to decide on our own.

Like I said, the weekend that started it all came as a surprise to the both of us. I had never expected or planned it, and I doubt he did too. We both kind of just fell into it.

Also, I am terrified, petrified of the thought of going out there and being permanently attached to someone again. Im a serial maneater remember? I serially man eat. I like having the options, and though right now I have no options, I like the option of having an option and I worry that being with someone in something monogamous... can you imagine how boring this blog is going to be without the constant change of men and characters?

The bride (no longer bride to be) told me today, she had a dream two nights ago where Taboo had proposed to me. I had said yes.

And apparently, she said. I was happy.

Thoughts like this keeps me on my toes. Not willing to jump in.

I asked Buddy today, if he wanted to meet up with Silverwolf for drinks.

You dont understand see. None of my men meet my friends. Its a very big thing for me to say, ok I think youre ok enough or permanent enough that I would like my friends to meet you.

So, for me to say to Buddy, I would like for you to meet Silverwolf, its a big deal for me. He wasnt excited. Guess he thought I wanted to spend time with her alone. Had to explain to him how big a privilege he was getting by having me dain to ask him to join us.

Thats me taking a step into the we.

Then he didnt want me to come over later tonight. So in my heart I threw his heart on the ground and stomped on it.

Thats me running five steps back.

See.
How can I even try this out, when Im still being the crazy clingy needy girl everyone hates.

Barriers up.
We'll just see. His interest seems to have cooled down somewhat. What with ceasing to message me randomly and inappropriately, kicking my feet away when I try to rub my leg against his under the table.

I think soon enough he will tire and leave.

Wolf. Youre right. Sometimes, I just keep on sabotaging myself and anything that resembles goodness, since Im so not used to identifying this foreign foreign object.

Im sorry

Im sorry that I want you badly. Beyond anything I can remember.
Im sorry that this thought makes me cry when you hold me close. That this thought aches my heart when u kiss me. That I automatically deflect and push u further and further away from me.

I dont know how this is going to play out you and I. But part of me wants it. Badly. Part of me asks why. Part of me thinks we are lonely and need each other. Part of me thinks you need to get friends apart from me and the group of ours. If not, I worry we wont have separate lives

I have walked down paths of getting together with friends, of things not working out. Of friends choosing sides.
I dont want that with ours.

I want to spend time with you. Ridiculous amounts of time with you. Time to enjoy your skin on mine, your lips on mine. Your hand on my heart. I want to be part of you to be one with you.

Im scared. No shit sherlock.

I think Ive been out of the game for so long, I cant remember what its like to be normal. To date normally.

I want you to want me, furiously. To want to grab me in elevators. To brush my skin when no one is looking.

I do want you to hold my hand when we walk. To look into my eyes.

Date me and I will morph into that crazy psychotic girl who needs all the attention from you. Who needs me to be the biggest part of your life.

Dont worry. It'll pass. Very soon, and then I get bored with you.

And I dont want that.

Dont label me, dont label us. I am scared of labels unless they say Ferragamo.

Haha I made a funny.

Let me be yours and your secret only. Let no one know the way you mess up my hair. The way I always grab you. The way I love kissing your neck.

Whisk me away to the sea and the surf and the sand and the stars and the sky.
Walk with me on the sandy beaches. Hold my hand and kiss me whenever you like.

I will fall for you, madly deeply in love with you. For now and forever.

You can say I love you to me, and I will say it back to you now. Passionately truthfully.

We barely know each other. So I know this is irrational, it is stupid. It is insane.

So I push you away.

But you dont let go. You hold me and dont let me walk away. You look at me and ask me if I will try to shut u out at every point. How do I not fall for you when you hold me and fight for me and deal with my psychotic-ness

I already love you. Part of me. For you being you. The imperfect you.
I just need to love the me you love

My trip down under got cancelled last minute due to unfinished work. So much for work not taking over my life as a new years resolution. I had to tell Weekend Man how sorry I was that I couldnt make it. Perhaps next time.

Instead, my friends and I hopped into a car and went out clubbing. Even better, as we were driving down the main street, we spied an ambassador (someone from a diff office working in our office for a year) walking down the street. (Note: It was ~12 a.m). We yelled out his name and he crossed the street over to us. Amidst people honking as we had stopped in the middle of the road, he jumped in and we kidnapped him over to the clubs. Against his mild protestations of not being properly dressed. We dragged him in, ordered some drinks and partied like rockstars all night.

Not bad for a weekend of non-commital responses.

Went to the unveiling of the series of paintings done by The Painter. One of which I posed for. It was surreal. More than surreal it was pretty damn amazing. I had not expected such a turnout and was in my bloody flip flops! But yes, an amazing experience to say the least. Should thank The Sculptor more for introducing me to The Painter.

So what say you? What other debaucherous acts happened over the weekend?

Cuddle Buddy and I became more than cuddle buddies. The weekend that took us both by surprise over its intensity and its spontaneousity. I guess when fate decides to strike us a card it bops us over the head with it.

Furtive kisses in the dark, light, against the walls, the floor, the table. Horizontal for most of the weekend where we barely left the apartment. Soft fingers tracing over my skin as we talked about our future, our lives, our secrets.

I am too trusting with people who want to get to know me. I must remember to watch my back.

Too convenient. This whole arrangement. I feel like God is mocking me
See how easy this could all be, see how I am dropping the perfect man in front of you now

I am skeptical watching him kiss me. Touching his face in the dark. Is this real? Can this be real? or have we both been starving for someone to love so much that we create these feelings in our hearts and in our heads.

Maybe God is showing me all this, just to take it away. To punish me for all my sins