So apparently my sisters hamsters were smart enough to climb to the roof of the little house in their double story cage, nibble at the door, pushed it open and ran out.

Freedom!

We are all looking for the elusive winter hamster now.
It is about the size of my thumb... bent

Hopefully I dont accidentally step on it

Do you remember me?
Do you remember how it felt like, to come home to me. Watch me wash the dishes while you sat in that round chair telling me how your day went.
Do you remember the way you would walk up behind me and held me close. The way you smelled my hair. The way you kissed my neck.
Do you remember the way we used to watch tv together. The way you cooked and how I kept on pilfering your food.

Do you remember me and the way we used to snuggle together under warm covers in the middle of December.

The way you ripped my clothes whilst we claw into each others backs.
They way you silenced me with a hundred kisses and your body weight on mine.

The way we were raw. The way we were tender.

The way we looked at each other.
The way we loved each other.

I do.
Sometimes.

I still miss us. And the way I remembered you before.
I still miss the way nothing in the world could've torn us apart.

The way you loved me.
Unconditionally

Last night I enjoyed Friday Pool Party/ happy hour with my colleagues. As I swam in the pool with the bride to be, fireworks shot up behind the towers. It was quite amazing actually to be in a pool, that high up, and have fireworks light up the sky right in front of your eyes.

Then of course, we went out dancing. The whole bunch of us. The bride-to-be's friends friend was having a birthday party and had some quite single boys.

I think Ive been out of the game too long, I was chicken shit and didnt even flirt even thought they were c-u-t-e. Opting instead to drink and dance with my friends like Ive been doing every weekend.

*sigh* (mental note to self: One cannot call oneself a serial maneater, if one does not have men, to serially eat).

Mr Chess was there. Wow, to say that it was awkward would be an understatement. I said hi to his girlfriend. And he stood there behind her looking at me. He acted like he didnt know me, even when I pulled him near, kissed him on each cheeck and said hello. Of course, knowing him I am in no doubt he wouldve blamed it on the alcohol. Ah well, I guess my post-fling assessment was right. He is indeed a coward.

Hahaha, even weirder was that our mutual friend was there, watching us interact. Probably replaying the whole time, that one time he had caught Mr Chess kissing me. I said my peace, said hello and left.

Continued dancing the night away with the friends.

Do you remember the man that was mentioned on my previous blog? the deja-beau? Apparently what the prodigy had called The Italian look-alike?

Well it turns out, he looked nothing like The Italian and had a lot better manners. (though he did slap me last night. That Bastard). Well Deja-beau and I have gotten along splendidly well. We click and jive and all that jazz. I love that this white guy is so local he knows how to order local dishes, speaks like a local and acts like a local.

Well last night, I also requested he act as my fake bf just in case the ex came around.

On the way home, he asked me about the ex, and I told him almost everything.

He called me cold, slapped me on the shoulder and labeled me the agent of satan.
I cracked up like an insane woman... what?! it was funny!

And I realized how right he was. I am cold. I really dont care anymore. I guess I have taken the extreme of my therapists advice and just stopped caring about everyone.

A planned tryst with Eccentric might get me back in the game.

But for now, I kept on thinking, I have to keep growing. Myself, inside and out. So I messaged the sculptor and asked him to take me out tomorrow. To show me art.

After all, in a few months, I shall be immortalized forever in a painting. I might as well understand its value.

On a hop skip and a jump today, I ended up dropping as much money as I did last weekend. I swear, shopping with my mother is like having the agent of shopping satan come visit me.

Hey you
What you doing there, walking by yourself?

She trips, she stumbles and she falls

Hey you
What are you up to? Why are you so glum?

No, Im fine. See this smile plastered on my face

Hey you
What's wrong?

Nothing.
She replies a little too quickly

Nothing...nothing... nothing at all

I watch her
Perfect her
Embody her

But I watch as she watches from inside the glass room, pounding on the windows. Hoping that woman that she loves so much does'nt die of a broken heart

so i went clubbing last weekend with the bride to be.

We went to a few (re: ~4 clubs)

So many people in each club was doing the running man!

What the fuck people.

Wasnt that move like outlawed

I broked myself out this weekend. Going on massive retail therapy since I had no clothes (re: dignity) left.

Yesterday I did my accounts and almost cried. Urgh, thank god I had a little savings stashed away.
0% APR is the devil I swear

On another note, I have the sluttiest classy dress ever! which I shall be wearing to the wedding of the year afterparty. Im throwing a hen night for the bride. Anyone know where I can get a good male stripper in this country?

Piece of good news. I put myself out there and heard a response. Its not formal, its not anything, but it was just a response to me.

I feel wanted by the world again.

Sometimes, you hit the bottom thinking you're worthless, that the world doesnt make sense, that everything you worked for is gone. Of course you breathe, you find a way out, and hop gravity shows you its the right way

As for that other problem that I had. I guess after all these years, it is simply something I cannot solve or deal with, so I would much rather take the lionly way of simply running away

Me: Hullo, sis?
Sis: whuthe. huh. whu? *indecipherable gibberish*
Me: Woi, your car lights is on
Sis: huh? But its dark downstairs
Me: I’ll wait for you to come down

Elevator dings
Sister steps out looking groggy and half asleep

Sis: Are you sure my car lights are on?
Me: Yeah

Walks

Sis: Are you drunk?
Me: No!

Walks to the car….I realize… it’s the wrong car…

Me: Ooppsss.. hhihiihihhii. But it looks exactly like your car! (points at black car)
Sis: It’s a different type of car!

Sis gives me a glaring look. Invokes some swears, and we walk back home

Yesterday I came clean with a man I have immense respect for. He works very hard, is smart, witty.
He is of course, The Older Man

I didnt want to, but perhaps in that awkward silence in the car he realized that my answers were not honest. I did not want to influence his judgment of me so I said we can talk about it later.

He called me later that evening, and we had a brief chat.

He says he wants to help me, I guess he honestly cares about me to want to try and save me.

So we worked out a few plans, planned out a few paths, then he let me go, walking, while he waited at the other end.

And I fell. Not only fall. I was silent as he asked me questions. Unable to come up with an answer, unable to even try.

It was exactly how people described it. Deer eyes staring into headlights as the car rams you down.

Nothing hurts so much as knowing you have just disappointed a man you've admired so much. A man who was there, willing to take time out of his very busy life, to help you. And to fall flat on your face, sensing his disgust that for a split second he could've dained to care.

I guess I was wrong. The worst feeling that you can have is disappointment in yourself.
To know that you had let yourself down.

Maybe I should just quit

Yesterday I came clean with a man I have immense respect for. He works very hard, is smart, witty.
He is of course, The Older Man

I didnt want to, but perhaps in that awkward silence in the car he realized that my answers were not honest. I did not want to influence his judgment of me so I said we can talk about it later.

He called me later that evening, and we had a brief chat.

He says he wants to help me, I guess he honestly cares about me to want to try and save me.

So we worked out a few plans, planned out a few paths, then he let me go, walking, while he waited at the other end.

And I fell. Not only fall. I was silent as he asked me questions. Unable to come up with an answer, unable to even try.

It was exactly how people described it. Deer eyes staring into headlights as the car rams you down.

Nothing hurts so much as knowing you have just disappointed a man you've admired so much. A man who was there, willing to take time out of his very busy life, to help you. And to fall flat on your face, sensing his disgust that for a split second he could've dained to care.

I guess I was wrong. The worst feeling that you can have is disappointment in yourself.
To know that you had let yourself down.

Maybe I should just quit

I send him an sms asking if he would like to join me for coffee. He says ok.

We sit amongst friends and families. A wife asks me if I was seeing anyone, at which point I started coughing. I coo at her baby and she tells me theyre only cute for a little while.

They leave, the families, and he and I are left alone. He walks with me across the street, getting mildly wet by the rain. He sits with me for a few hours, over a cup of coffee and water.

We talk, and we get to know each other a little bit better.

I fall in love with him a little bit. Him and his smiling dimples. Him and his young face.
Him and his philosophies on life, on religion, on economics.

For one second I think, I could marry him.

We both had brought books out with us for our relaxing weekend. His, non-fiction. Mine. Fiction. We talk about history and how he likes the reality that it is. The facts. I tell him that I too enjoy that, that I learn about history from the view of the people, the family.

He tells me stories about China are always depressing.

We sit, and we are silent. He has seen my wild side, he has seen my crazy side.
Today for the first time he sees my silent side. My mellow side.

My friend tells me to go for it, to make him want me.

But I know when to hang up the white towel, when to know that he is a friend, nothing more.
As much as I loved him without him knowing. As much as I find him my kindred soul mate.

I cannot make him love me.

After all, I cant do this all on my own, I know now, Im no Superman....

There is nothing like reaching into the deepness of your core and not caring. Of knowing you can drink yourself to death and act a fool and say all the wrong things

I like where Im going with this, the freedom of novelty and new ideas.
I can say do not worry about me, but all of you will

So all I can say is, I know I have been here before, I got through it before, I will again in my own sweet time

I do not want to hear words of encouragement, of worry. I do not want to feel guilty for leaving you alone, for not taking care of you, I do not want to feel responsible for your unhappiness, for the fact that my not being there means your life is over.

I do not want to hear mushiness from anyone and everyone.


And so last night, as I dropped him off the corner of his street. He gets out, takes his things and turns to me. Quickly just before he leaves, a soft peck on my shoulder, a goodbye.

I am surprised by a man I knew was not interested. A potential I had let go.

I am surprised by our laughter in the car, him nibbling my arm. Him curled up in my car shoes taken off.

I am gladly gladly surprised.

Stretched beyond my abilities. Pulled into fights I never want to know off. Forced to choose sides in a war of pain, neverending

I am too beyond myself to help anyone but myself. I cannot be there for anyone else, until I am there for me

I am piled with responsibilities. Unwanting, unmasking

Apparently, Im the only person who can be trusted with these duties.

I have no idea how things are right now, if blood battles have skived the floors. If scars unmending blossom open again against the slightest touch.

I want to retreat, and hide and wish that it will all stop, that it will all go away.

I just want to go back to when I was a kid and the world made sense and was safe.

But no, I am the only one responsible remember? The only one who can fix all the problems surrounding me

Im supposed to to choose my battles. To fight only those that are worth fighting, worth caring. That knowledge doesn't silence the screams I hear around me, it doesn't silence the pleas that I have to help. To fix, to mend. It doesn't stop me from dreaming of death, of succumbing painlessly into a deep sleep where I no longer have to worry, no longer have to cry

I. really. hate. being. the. responsible. one. the. breadwinner. the . stoic. daughter. the unbending. friend. the. unyielding. lover. the. girl. who. smiles. and. dances. her. heart. out. The. labeled. party. girl.

I am tired of everything. I am tired of being pulled to pieces
What have I ever demanded from you? of you?
Nothing. I have never asked for anything. I have created and built everything that I am.

World leave me alone

After seven years of lies, I think their world finally cracked

Separation has never been so needed in one's life. Never so welcomed in some.

A call, a voice, filled with sadness. A question to which he never answers. Sadly, the sadness is not for me, the tears not for me.

He has ceased caring about me. Stopped so long ago I have forgotten what its like to be with a man who is supposed to love me unconditionally, protect me beyond all costs. Because of him I am the person I am today. Because of him I am unable to let anyone near.

I think its over for now, and I am at the helm. Life has never been such a bitch to me before.

But the world never stops spinning, even if yours is crumbling into pieces around your feet, so I paste a smile on my face

The people at my company are a solid bunch of males. In an industry where men dominate and in a constant game of “who has the bigger balls”, women are usually left to aside fighting for that little space to call their own.

Right now the target is to have a female for every three guys. An odds that trust me, would have improved my social life much.

Of the bunch, its really nice to be working with Filipino men, and to find out that they are indeed the most gallant gentlemen of the bunch. I work with one right now and he is seriously kind. The kind of man who walks you to your car without asking, holds open the door for you and will always ask if you need a hand with that heavy bag. Polite and very nice. What a catch right?

Yesterday I shared a car with Mr 1987 and a few other senior officers. I was stuck sitting in the back seat of a car that would fit 4. Thank god for the little extra seat at the back. When we arrived at our destination, all of the senior officers stepped out, with Mr 1987 closing the door on me before I could even say anything. Flabbergasted (what? he already mistook me for another girl a few times around), I said thanks to the driver and walked away. I thought nothing of it, him being my senior and all and was so surprised to get an email today from him apologizing for closing the door in my face =D

Last night I was hanging out with a new colleague. A guy my age that shares the same wavelength with me. He asked me how long its been since I last dated. So I told him the truth, 2 years my friends. My social life has officially been over for too long now.

Sleeping with men don't count as dates.

Dates: A guy actually asking you out for dinner, or lunch, or something! to get to know you better in the hopes of finding the right mate to start a relationship

Last year I was hanging out with my then boss and he asked me the same question, at which point of course it had been just one year.

A few weekends ago, another friend asked me and was shocked (he just HAD to exaggerate the face) to find out I haven’t had a relationship in two years.

Then they all look at me like its my fault. What?!

You think I want to be single for the rest of my life? I have been constantly reminded of the dooming bells of motherhood starting to swoop down trying to sink its tentacles into me.

I don't know if you guys would react that way. Would it be a surprise to know that I haven’t been asked out once in over two years?

The newbie listed out my demographics, making me sound like quite a catch. Then we stared at each other in disbelief

Him: And you haven’t been asked out in the past two years?
Me: Nope

And with my old rule of never dating colleagues, I guess thus ends the relationship shelf life of this serial maneater

Though I would have given up that stupid rule for Mr 1987. Le sigh

*here she lies, a lonely single woman, she had lots of friend, handbags and lots of men*