Im sorry

Im sorry that I want you badly. Beyond anything I can remember.
Im sorry that this thought makes me cry when you hold me close. That this thought aches my heart when u kiss me. That I automatically deflect and push u further and further away from me.

I dont know how this is going to play out you and I. But part of me wants it. Badly. Part of me asks why. Part of me thinks we are lonely and need each other. Part of me thinks you need to get friends apart from me and the group of ours. If not, I worry we wont have separate lives

I have walked down paths of getting together with friends, of things not working out. Of friends choosing sides.
I dont want that with ours.

I want to spend time with you. Ridiculous amounts of time with you. Time to enjoy your skin on mine, your lips on mine. Your hand on my heart. I want to be part of you to be one with you.

Im scared. No shit sherlock.

I think Ive been out of the game for so long, I cant remember what its like to be normal. To date normally.

I want you to want me, furiously. To want to grab me in elevators. To brush my skin when no one is looking.

I do want you to hold my hand when we walk. To look into my eyes.

Date me and I will morph into that crazy psychotic girl who needs all the attention from you. Who needs me to be the biggest part of your life.

Dont worry. It'll pass. Very soon, and then I get bored with you.

And I dont want that.

Dont label me, dont label us. I am scared of labels unless they say Ferragamo.

Haha I made a funny.

Let me be yours and your secret only. Let no one know the way you mess up my hair. The way I always grab you. The way I love kissing your neck.

Whisk me away to the sea and the surf and the sand and the stars and the sky.
Walk with me on the sandy beaches. Hold my hand and kiss me whenever you like.

I will fall for you, madly deeply in love with you. For now and forever.

You can say I love you to me, and I will say it back to you now. Passionately truthfully.

We barely know each other. So I know this is irrational, it is stupid. It is insane.

So I push you away.

But you dont let go. You hold me and dont let me walk away. You look at me and ask me if I will try to shut u out at every point. How do I not fall for you when you hold me and fight for me and deal with my psychotic-ness

I already love you. Part of me. For you being you. The imperfect you.
I just need to love the me you love