He is looking away as he tells me "I dont know if I can trust you"
Single handedly crushing me without betrayal by my stoic expression.

I guess I shouldnt be trusted. He knows of my past, of the people, of my merciless huntress ways. He knows I couldn't care less about some of the people I bed. About the girls who's relationship Ive destroyed.

He has no reason to trust me whatsoever. Sometimes, I barely trust myself.

I tell him if he wants out to tell me know, so that I can prepare what little is left of my tiny soulless heart and body. But he doesnt have to for me to put the walls back up where he had started crushing down. To fence my feelings. To push him and his small gestures of affections away.

The damage has been done I guess. No way to repent, to recant.

I considered just letting go. Cutting him off. Not worth it. Can you imagine what kind of craziness would happen later on if we actually became serious? I considered saying "you know what, forget it, Im done" If he cant trust me, then what is the point after all?

But I looked at him, and considered what I had at stake. I considered all the sweetness and goodness in the world encompassed in him. I considered the ways he had always treated me, before friendship and even in this gray in between world.

Im not ready to give up without a fight.

He refuses to be my conquest. Does not want to be yet another number, yet another nickname in my life. So we take it slow. Baby steps. One by one. How the tables have turned on me on this one. How I walk tip-toe to not hurt my friend.

I think he is worth the wait. I think he is worth fighting for.
So I tell him that, and that I will wait to see what could happen between us.

We have time to live and learn after all. We have time for space and hugs and kisses. We have time to fall in love if we were meant to.

I would never hurt him. Never on purpose, never as a sport. He is not a physical conquest, but an emotional one. But not over him... its over myself