Its so easy to fall in love with you. I am shocked. Surprised more than anything else, about how easy it is to have the flodgates open and to receive your gentle touches, kisses, caresses. To receive you with open and welcoming hands.

I guess I have been so starved of tenderness, kindness that the simplest gestures brings me crashing to my knees. Keeps my eyes open. Looking at you. Falling for you.

Its not so easy to fall out of you. To take a step back and think about this. About us. About how we are moving so fast. To remind myself to not throw myself into this hurricane of emotions. Of passion. Of you and me and the idea of forever.

We need to enjoy the now. But the now is so good I am looking forward to a future.

Its not so easy to fall out of you. But I know I have to. I am older now. Its not easy losing control like this. Going crazy like this.

It shocked me. How much I miss you. How much I could miss you. Scared me. All I thought about today was the thought of running away from you. Away from this all.

You hurt me sometime last week. And we talked about it, and it wasnt intentional and I know it. But it surprised me. Scared me. How easy it was that a sentence out of your mouth was enough to reduce me to tears to want to just run! run! run! as fast away as I could from you.

You told me today. We are both scared. Both afraid of getting hurt. But we shouldnt let that ruin things.

But I know deep down inside, I have fallen deeper than you. Further than you. And the thought of not seeing you there at the other end...

Scares me silly.

I curled up today. In the bed smelling of us. Wrapped your sheets around me. Soaked in the happiness that I have always had. The smile I always end up wearing because of you. The simple memories of our simple life together.

Maybe this isnt forever. But for now its damn good. I have to learn. To appreciate the now more. And to not want the forever future

I miss him...

*looks into wallet and bank account*

*bangs head on table*

*cries*

He told me he was leaving... Going away for a week to work and enjoy his holiday.
We talked about it, his leaving. I was scared he want going to come back. I thought he would meet a cute little beach bunny, and mesmerized by the sun and the surf and the sand, he would leave me here while he lived there.

I was afraid. And in the car while we talked about it, he held my hand and told me no. He wasnt going to meet anyone, he was going to stay true... to me.

I sat silent, un-trusting. In my hearts of heart I knew he was going to be seduced. He was going to fall in love. He wasnt coming back.

I watched him leave. He held my hand and gave me a kiss and the keys to his apartment.

I watched him smile and knew that the largest part of me wanted him happy. Wants him happy. No matter what happens between us.

I was right.

This morning I get a text message from him

"I love xxx"

My darling Silverwolf. Your country has seduced him beyond anything. He is happy in his fleeting moments of arriving and I am so scared he will want to move there permanently.

Without me.

Though I think it would have been perfect. A country where a mixed relationship could thrive. Where both he and I would feel at home.

We'll see how serious he is.

We'll see how serious we are.

"My leave was approved! Yay! I'll be leaving probably on my birthday for two weeks"
"On your birthday?"
"Yeah... Im used to not cele..."
"You know what. Im going to follow you to the airport this year and send you off, so that you cant bullshit about always celebrating your birthday alone and being all 'Oh, Im all alone on my birthday' and melodramatic. Thats right. You have someone now, so this year we'll celebrate together. So there"
*I am shocked speechless for a little bit*

few seconds later

"Oh... but the airports pretty far... hmm, maybe you should just go by yourself"

hahaha

I want to say this is a first, but sometimes the brain erases what the heart cannot and I cannot break into the abyss of my mind to remember times like these, when someone did this.

Buddy is fighting for me.
I never thought I would see the day anybody would do that.

We are adults now. I cant pretend were not anymore. Our lives moving on and suddenly *poof*

We're mature responsible adults.

But when you hold my hand across the table. When you let me bite you. When you kiss me. When you put your hands in my pocket as we walk. I feel young. I feel like a teenager. I dont want to feel like an adult with you.

Is it possible? that my life has just become one big contradiction? To become the one thing I hate most.
Those couples

Part of me worries. A huge part of me.

That you will leave me. The more you get to know me. That you will realize I am a damaged good. Un-Salvageable.

I wanted to see pictures of you in your past life. Because I dont know if you want me in yours forever?

It is one thing to not know. But it is simply another to know that you do not see us in a future together.

So I needed those pictures, to help me build my walls. So that one day, when you leave (as I am sure you inevitable will... they all leave) I will have something to lean against as I cry to myself over losing you.

What we have is so adult. Sometimes it scares me.

What we have is sometimes not enough. That I know you dont love me.

Scares me.

I dont know what lessons we learn as we grow older. I just hope we do.

Was fun =)
Though buddy was too tired... and we didnt talk much. It was fun being in public with someone you care about. Holding hands, having him nuzzle me.

Its been a while since Ive been brought out on the town. And he plans to have more dates!
Yay!

On a more unhappier note. I came back to realize that I had made quite a distinct blunder in one of my work modules. Fixed it of course, thank god before anyone caught on... but then the damage has been done and I had to inform my boss.

Plus, had to stay up later than planned to fix this mistake

=_=

All I wanted to do was crawl into the nook of buddy's neck and arm and harm him wrap himself around me and tell me things are going to be ok.

But then, shook my head, shaped up and remembered, I have to be able to do this by myself, just as I always have...

While I whiled away my time waiting for you, I journeyed across pits and downfalls, dark caves and ravines. I saw sunshine and caught breezes. Rainbows flowing after a downpour.

I learnt much, while waiting for you. I learnt to be more independent, to not cling too much, to not live my life through you. I learnt that for both of us to be happy. We both need to have our own lives, our own breathing space. I learnt I can be happy without you and I can be happy with you.

Im glad you came later on in my life. And Im glad I came later into yours. When you figured out how to control the passion so that it doesnt burn bright and blue and quick and fast and dies. When you saw signs of my high lovesickness and worried it would wane just as quickly.

You helped nurture this, this burning bright passion light. To make sure we dont crash and burn between our caresses and kisses. And I am older now, wiser now, to notice when I am pushing you away, without even realizing it. Really.

This time around, I will be a better partner, or vow realistically to try and be a better partner to you, for you.

Im glad you are away this weekend, though I would love nothing more than to have joined you on yet another wonderful trip elsewhere. Im glad I traveled on my own without you and glad that both of us can.

I like this missing you. This feeling of wanting you. And you're right. I get bored so so easily, its important for us to control it.

I like that you miss me, and send me random messages at random times of days. Gentle reminders that you too are missing me as much as I miss being with you.

We are friends, first and foremost. Individuals linked together by our common passion and care for one another. And I never want to steal your life away from you. Never take you for granted. Im just glad to be a part of this. This time around.

Did you know about me? Here? Now?
Did you know that I am back, probably better than I was before.
Did you know that I found someone, single, attentive, caring who wants to give us a chance.
To kindle the flames and not burn out from passion.

Muse.
He reads the kind words, soft words, painful words of what you used to write about me.
See, he doesnt know about me... here..
I am in my sanctuary here. My huntress skills developed, honed.
My seductive ways, vile and disgraceful.

He does not know me. Here.

You though,
You have always lived in my deepest darkest thoughts,
You have always been by my side in the bleak.

The field of daffodils runs wild and free
And for once, I am sitting in the middle basking.

I am a bore when I am not depressed and torn. I know.

Muse.
He is sad sometimes, about the life I have had to live. He wishes sometimes, that I didnt have to had gone through it. Most of it.
I think he likes you most because of that
Because at times, you capture exactly what it is, he is thinking.

I cannot change my past, for him.
It is something we both are living with everyday.
He curbs my enthusiasm about us... so afraid that I will get bored.

He cares about me muse.
And you remind him that he is not alone.

Perhaps I am wrong, and you have long since disappeared into an abyss, moved on to another field. Swam the ocean away.

But your past thoughts keep him company and teach him about the me I used to be. When I was hurt, when I was in pain.

He tells me this. His sadness for my past life.
And I tell him,

When you think of me... Picture me happy. Build joy around me.

At least though my life has not always been, in your thoughts I always will be.

I am sorry muse, that I can be your muse no longer. My angst and despair long abandoned me. My whimsical carefree spirit long gone.
I have turned into an unpoetic heathen, resting peacefully into an ordinary life.

But that is my dream no? Sometimes, to live a life far more ordinary...