The Boyfriend and I can be quite anal sometimes. In our line of work, we become trained to be organized and efficient. We get trained to really a lot more on Excel. In me, it has helped to harness the organization that only comes with a job where every second does count. Every dollar does matter

So which is why we both have quite tight control over our personal accounts.

The Boyfriend sets out a yearly budget on how much he spends for shopping. You know, clothes/ shoes/ accessories/ etc. I instead will assess every situation and decide then and there if I
a) Need it
b) Can afford it

Needless to say, with it being the year end and all, we started cleaning up our accounts again. And for the first time... ever! I summed up all that I had spent shopping this year and last...

... and I had never felt more disgusted with myself.

I will spare you the details except to say that my spending was within the realm of a five figure digit and was easily twice as much as The Boyfriend. As I looked back into a few years trends (I am that particular with my accounts) I realized that it was pretty much as expected. In my first two years working, I spent an even more ludicrous amounts then I did in my third year of working. I guess it went with the whole feeling Ive had since end of last year where I realized, I no longer wanted to buy EVERYTHING. I became more selective. Deciding to buy something only if and when it really made sense. So even though the amount was still crazy, at the very least it was less than my first two years.

I decided to try and be practical about things. Try to avoid buying a million cheaper shoes (some of which have resulted in me having a sprained ankle) but instead to just buy one pair of really good shoes and to wear it until it breaks down. No more skirts, no more suit jackets as I have already amassed what I think is clearly a sufficient amount. More discipline in my purchases.

But then of course since its year end, its also bonus time, and this time it wasnt amazing, but it wasnt so bad. So I decided to get the two things that I had really wanted for a while now, and had planned to buy

A pair of sensible black shoes for work
A belt Ive been eye-ing for more than half a year now

I was talking to my colleague about bonus when he pointed out that I had actually read the wrong line... and that my bonus was 5 digits smaller than what I had thought I had received


AFTER I HAD BOUGHT MYSELF CHRISTIAN DIOR SHOES AND LOUIS VUITTON BELT!!!!

*cries*

Ive been deprived of sleep for a while now... Perhaps ever since I came back from Egypt and this fiasco erupted in my face. I dread going to bed since I know I will wake up in the middle of the night. At least once, and wake up fully not well rested. The nightmares of the night before vivid in my head.

I dont know what to do anymore. I exercise to tire my body out. I try to meditate right before I go to bed. I breathe, and place myself inside this emotionless box inside my head where I know no pain, no pleasure. But it still doesnt help. It reminds me of my old ways and my old days when it was so much easier to feel nothing. Hope for nothing. Want for nothing. Because then, at least then, you feel no pain, no frustration, no annoyance, no anger, no jealousy, no betrayal of your head over your heart or your heart over your head. When you no longer know what is real and what is imaginary. When your paranoia eats at your heart so much you go to bed even more uncertain than the night before. Even less trusting

I am tired. I am tired because I cant sleep and I cant sleep because my days are spent working and watching and my brain goes into overdrive over analysing everything. I am tired because I am over thinking, over worried, over stressed, and then I go to bed and have nightmares about it. Every night... and I wake up even more tired, stressed and paranoid than the day before.

I dont know what else to do anymore. I think my last resort is to just go back to sleeping pills. Or the anti-depressents I used to take in college. Just something... anything, to at least let me get a good nights rest... so that I can wake up with a cleared mind, rested, and hopefully, one day, with no paranoia

Or am I just simply, too damaged and broken to truly trust again? and that this is the way my soul is trying to tell me?

*** update
Cough syrup... the one that has a label "This may cause drowsiness". I think that could help in the short run

oh wow...

How could I forget these...

http://www.thehiddenbookcase.com/sweet_valley_twins_books.html

they were SO important to me growing up. I still have the collection. All yellowed pages and brittle and all. I cant wait to pass it on to my kids.

There are some that I realize I dont have though.. may need to go through the list again and order books that I dont have

so.... everyone lies right? I mean sure there are BIG BIG lies, then there are little white lies. Then there are lies where you dont want them to know the truth because it might hurt them more, cause more grief than anything good.

So you lie.

But what if, for that last type of lie, the person finds out? or worse still, suspects that youre not telling the truth. They dont feel good because they seriously suspect that there is no way that was the truth. And they find out later that you had lied, and would be reluctant to believe you in the future

Is the lie worth it then? This zero negative game where you gain nothing by lying but lose so much more by doing so. Or should we live always assuming that we will get caught. That something bad would happen if we did lie.

Then everyone could trust everyone else... right?

And what happens when you do catch someone in a lie. Whats the best way to handle it? Throwing it back at them and telling them there's no way that was true? Saying nothing but believing nothing from then on?

I think everyone has this radar where they can tell when someone else is lying... especially those who dont lie often... coz when they do... theyre pretty bad at it

Hello you!
Why hello!
How are you
I am fine.
Smile. Smile. Smile
Laugh laugh
nod

I like you box.
Your padded walls
so soft and bouncy
Bouncy bouncy bouncy

Its a little quiet in here
But thats ok
I can talk to you right mr. box.
chat chat chat
after all some say I talk to much
but here in my little box
I could talk to you all day
And you wouldnt complain

Would you mr. box?
No you wouldnt

Its a little lonely here
sitting in my box.
but you know what
there is nothing here.
emptiness
perfect emptiness
no pain
no anger
no frustration
and I sleep! so well
in my little padded box

No happiness as well
No love
No joy
(But you know what mr.box, Ive always thought happiness and love and jow was a little overrated... dont you?)

I paste a picture on your wall
A field of sunflowers

I sit
I watch it
I see it slowly swaying in the wind
I imagine the sun
shinging down on me
I imagine the breeze
blowing against me

Sometimes there is no difference is there?
Living in a box
its just like living outside
when you have the picture in your mind
you can pretend you move around all day
imagine oh the places you would go

but you dont have to
because its safe here
in my padded postered box

and no one can touch you here
Not even you!

I didnt sleep well. I just woke up with my heart screaming at me and my throat dry after endless nights of dreaming. More dreams about him and her, more dreams about not being able to take it anymore.

I wondered what it was that made me dream such bad bad dreams. Of dreaming the worst possible thing that can happen

I thought back, what could have triggered this off?

His promise to me, to be less chummy with her

Then him spending afternoon lunch going all the way to a mall and tie shopping with her. Him spending the entire Saturday with her, going to a market with her. While I was away, yet again

That was what triggered this off I guess...

I cant take this... I cant take thinking horrible thoughts... I cant take not being able to sleep... I cant take days of nightmares after nightmares after nightmares... I cant take going to bed happy and waking up in tears, paranoid, angry and so hurt.

I cant take going to bed whole and waking up in pieces.

Someone... please help me make things ok in my head again. Please... I cant.. I am so tired... so so tired about thinking the worst in another person. So tired of always feeling on guard. So tired of being paranoid about everything. I am exhausted. Please.... help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me....

i think im going to start taking sleeping pills. I cant do this to myself anymore

I was on my way into Thailand, enjoying the slow and silent ride. I thought about many things, about my crazy colleagues who decided to get engaged (and now married) after 3 weeks, of The Boyfriends really close female-friend who expects her boyfriend to buy her things, about my parents, and about my relationship.

I wondered about the former two and how they could be so delusional in their expectations of relationships. How could they have this idea that they would fall in love so immediately, that its supposed to last forever. How could they think that he will forever be devoted to her.

How could she imagine he would forever love her, be loyal to her.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized the biggest differences that we all had between that 'irrational camp' and mine, they had different expectations because the only thing they have witnessed is your quintessential healthy relationship.

For someone who has seen first hand a dysfunctional relationship; to have to go through that for so long. To be a supporting hand, is it then any surprise that my expectations of a relationship is so warped? That even though I can recognize the signs of a healthy relationship, subconsciously I am out looking for the man that can fit the mould of a relationship I have grown so accustomed to? An abusive dysfunctional one?

After all, I have long ceased believing that a man could love me forever. Sure, I would like to have that happen, but trusting that there could be such a man out there for me... difficult. Worse still when I find out that the men who told me they loved me would so easily take it all back. I go in imagining the worst. I came back after two weeks away and saw The Boyfriend suddenly being super chummy with another girl. My immediate reaction screamed out to me "... eventually he will cheat and leave you too...you've only been gone for two weeks and he's suddenly really close with another woman... how would things be a few more years down the road? what if you leave again and he just gets closer and closer to this other girl... what if eventually he leaves you"

I had never expected a man to take care of me. To want to earn money for me, to feed me, simply because I dont trust my life in another persons hands. I have always been independent because I know... somewhere down the road, him leaving me, or my leaving him because I can no longer love him or trust him is a real possibility. I never trusted my soul in another person because I know sooner or later he will crush it.

Now these other couples that I talk about, she is celebrating her parents wedding anniversary with a big party. I have never had that ever happen in my family. Their family's are still together, tight and loving.

I... have not had the foresight of seeing that happen.

But the scariest thing of all, was realizing... that perhaps I myself am out seeking abusive relationships. Perhaps I am subconsciously looking for these people, or sabotaging my relationships because it is the only way I know how to have a relationship. Like I said... I have gone through enough to know that a man simply cannot love a woman forever, want to protect her, take care of her...as much as I would like to imagine it could be true.

But the thing is... if I am a result of my parentage... will I pass on this curse to my children? Would I end up in a destructive marriage? will my children grow up watching all the fights and hurt and abuse.

Will my children grow up witnessing their father fall out of love with me?

And will they continue the cycle? Will they too go forth and seek abusive relationships, destructive husbands, because the best that I can do in bringing them up would never be enough to erase the scar my relationship would have burnt into them.

I realized... it is one thing to live through this myself, but a completely different matter to already chart out such an unhappy life for the children I do not yet have. I cannot bear to pass on this curse to them such that they will live through life untrusting, hurting. Unable to have love come to them.

I want this to end. With me. But breaking the cycle is not as easy as one can imagine. Knowing your limits and identifying when you are jeapordizing your relationships are not easy to manage. It is difficult to try and see through rose tinted glasses again when the only pair you have are cracked broken and damaged.

I only know that for my world to right itself again, two things must happen.

A man who is willing to work this out with me, a man who will stick around no matter how much my subconscience is fighting against it is essential. A man who will love me forever regardless of how crazy I become. A man who does want to prove me wrong and that he can be trusted, to prove to me that he does want to build me a safe haven, to show me he can love me forever.

And for me to consciously break the mirror of my soul. Silence the harsh expectations. Jump again into the bonfire with my scarred soul and try yet again, to believe in humankind

I was at lunch today and saw a guy and a girl in a jewellery store discussing jewellery. She was recommending to him what to get for I suppose his gf/fiancee/wife.

I dont know why guys would do this. Something as personal as jewellery should always be from the heart and should always be his and only his pick. Do you think a girl would like having a piece of jewellery that was selected for her by another woman and passed through the hands of her partner?

At the end of the day no matter what the repercussions (her liking it/ not liking it/ detesting it), she would know that her man had made the effort to go to the store, look around, and carefully think and choose what it is that he would like to give to her.

She would appreciate that above all, the fact that she is wearing something her man wants her to wear, not the fact that she is wearing another woman's taste.

My mother used to tell me, be with someone who loves you more than you love him. I always thought that was a pile of crap.

I get it now

People who should never be allowed to ask you when you are settling down/ thinking about settling down/ planning to settle down

1. Your gynaecologist
2. The US Visa Officer

Sometimes involves doing things you might not be super keen on doing. But doing it because its important to your partner.

Sometimes involves nudging someone to the edge, pushing them to step out of their boundaries, out of their comfort zone

Sometimes involves telling them, that they need to think about their happiness first, above and beyond your feelings. So that they can be happy too.

I have learnt a lot from The Boyfriend, and will probably keep on learning =)

He is a good partner to learn from

When a man doesnt talk about the future with you. Doesnt gush about the possibilities of more time together, of doing things together. When a man makes plans on his own, future plans without you in it. When he shows no interest in your future intertwining with his. Job plans on his own, life plans on his own. No indication of protectiveness over you. When you cruise on a day to day basis...

He doesnt want a future with you. And you could be in it all alone.

He may love you in the here and now, but no, he will not love you forever.

I miss...

Being touched by someone who loves me. Holding hands while we walk down the street. The small of a palm against the small of my back. The fit of my head in the nook of his neck.

I miss...

Having someone miss me. Long for me. Having someone so happy to see me... of someone who cannot wait to see me. Of devilish smiles when we first meet. Of small hello kisses and goodbye kisses. Of him searching for me in the middle of the night. When he cannot wait to just hold my hand hello, kiss me on the cheek hello

I miss...

Sharing a life with someone. Of having him want to share his life with me. Want to tell me of his day. Want to share with me his hopes and dreams and ideas and mundane everyday ordinary things. Share with me his family and friends. Share with me, my family and friends.

I miss...

Just being wanted by him

Ive mentioned a few times my distaste for women I deem to be gold diggers. I absolutely loathe women who depend on men for money, a way of life, luxury. I especially dont understand this need when the woman herself is in a job of a good position with reasonable pay.

Case study 1: The colleague who got her bf to pay for half of her Chanel 2.55 bag.
Why half u ask? well, do u guys know how much that thing costs? It would be pretty crazy to expect him to buy her the entire thing. Its not even her birthday, or xmas, or valentines day. He truly does not understand why she wants/ needs it. AND as I mentioned, she is my colleague, someone who earns a very good sum... so if she wanted it, why cant she just buy it herself?

Case study 2: A friend recently got himself a gf. A FIRST gf I might add. Theyve been going out for maybe 3 months now, and she is trying to angle herself to get him to buy her a Louis Vuitton Speedy bag. This guy and I are very good friends. He told me it would be sweet of him to buy it for her right? I looked at him and almost struck him. "Its a little stupid I think" After all, he had already paid for her travels to an island (he didnt go), flew her up paid for the hotel and all dinner expenses in Bali, and pretty much pays for everything... AND SHE IS EMPLOYED

Case study 3: My own brother. He doesnt even live in this country. He works in Japan, notoriously known for being expensive and for having really bad work hours. He doesnt even send money to my parents, but gives money to his gf in this country MONTHLY. I ask myself, why cant this woman GET A JOB. What is she doing anyways? Just hanging out here? I mean seriously, go and earn yourself your own income woman!

Anyways, some people say that this is a result of my upbringing. And that in Asia its pretty understandable and common even to expect presents or gifts from your partner. My mother asks me if The Boyfriend ever bought me anything when we went shopping. I looked at her shocked and said "WHY should he?" After all, I want it, shouldnt I be the one to get it? - this is of course a huge contradiction on my mothers part since she was the huge patron of "You need to earn your own income and life and never have to depend on a man"

So, recently I thought about heading out to The Boyfriends home country for Xmas. He invited me up. Immediately the reaction from my mother and Case study 1 colleague was "Isnt he paying for your flight?"

My reaction was 0_o ???

"Why should he?"
"Because he asked you to come visit"
"Yes, but I ask a lot of people to visit, doesnt mean I pay for it"
"But he's your boyfriend"
"So?"
"So he should pay for it"
"Why?"
"Because he's your boyfriend and he asked you to come up and visit"

As you can probably tell, this would become a pretty repetitive conversation.

So, my point is... am I overreacting? Should a boyfriend/ partner be buying you things (for non-special ocassions?)

And should I be ok with it? - ok I mean I am completely fine with him buying me flowers or chocs or something he knows I would really like, like a mask, but am sooooo not ok with him paying for my outfits that I want to shop for or a handbag that I had saved up to buy

(I cant decide to post or not)

So Im trying to save up. Why? well, maybe because I looked into my bank account and talked to people and realized that I really havent saved very much in my past 3 years of working. Maybe because I realized Ive squandered quite a lot and am disapointed at my lack of control and appreciation. Maybe because I think I have lost the feeling. That feeling of appreciation of what I have.

So anyways, I am setting a goal for myself, trying to live within my new set goals. Not easy, especially when the funds are so easy to access, so Im trying to be disciplined and move a set amount to a fund that would be extremely difficult to access. Maybe that way I wont just rush through my entire salary.

Anyways, I thought I would share with you some of the things Ive realized.

1. Shop your closet.

People have been talking about this a lot, especially in these challenging times. Ive realized its really true though. Cleaning up your closet once in a while, you realize some things that you might have forgotten, or think up new combinations for your clothes. Take a look at it and see what basics you might be short on. i.e. black spaghetti tops, white shirts. And only replenish those. Also, imagine what else you can wear it with, only then, get them. And as a further filter, make sure you can wear it for a while. Not just a weekend.

2. Sell your stuff.

In my country, I dont think flea markets are a norm. Theyre starting to be, slowly. But things like garage sales deff dont happen here. If youre interested, you can sell off your pre-loved items at a designated flea market. Just google around for your local community ones. Im selling my stuff on 31st Aug. If interested to know where, let me know. Lots of working clothes and shoes (things that I seriously cannot fit anymore, but is really good stuff)

3. Write up a list

When grocery/ errand shopping, write down a list of things that you need. And try as much as possible to abide the list only. It at least focuses u and deters u from shopping around. Also, bring your own bag. Nowadays stores are giving small discounts if you dont use plastic

4. Check your credit card points.

I never checked this since I am actually quite tech illiterate. I even wanted to get the BFsquared (Thats The Boyfriend and The Best Friend) to try and redeem this for me. But anyways, I realized the other day I can just check it online! hahahha and then! even better! I realized that they can give you cash back. So seeing that I use my credit card for a lot of big purchases related to my job (i.e. hotels) I actually accumulated enough credit card points to pay off 1,000 off my credit card. That was pretty sweet actually

5. Check your mall card points

So, I generally redeem these and then just give it over to my mom. But today my mom wasnt around so I decided to use it. Results? My 100 grocery bills? I just paid 12 for

=D

So anyways, thats my few tips on how to save up cash/ be smart about spending. Any more tips from u guys? Would be great to hear what else can be done

In my depressed state of mind, I decided to say fuck it to it all and walked over to the bookstore.

I found myself on the phone with The Boyfriend, crying and walking past 'books on cupcakes'. Stopped in an aisle to hide and looked up to see that I was in the bartending and alcohol section. Walked away and faced two books besides each other "foie gras" and "The bacon book"

I felt like the universe was trying to tell me something

Im tired of not being wanted.

My man doesnt want me
My company doesnt want me

Why do I keep fighting to try to make them see that I am worth fighting for?

If they dont want me, then they dont right? And it'll just be time to move on.

Ive battled them both for the past two years now. Pleading, working hard, hoping that they will eventually see that its worth it.

I guess, it really isnt worth it anymore.

God... grant me the strength that I need to move on

Savings. Blardy painful thing to look at.

Do you remember me? I was the girl who was so tight about money. Planned everything, budgeted everything. Tried to make money out of everything.

Do you remember me? Little girl who used to rent out books. Teenager who used to sell black market food. Young woman who held down three jobs to survive a fun time through college?

Or do you only see me as I am now. A woman who has made it. Has a nice fat paycheck. Not willing to try different things anymore. Not hungry to claw her way up to the top anymore.

I am budgeting, to get ready to start the new chapter of my life. And boy, is it painful. Especially after living the lap of luxury of not even caring what I spent on. Not even looking at the price tags of things that I bought.

Ah, but I guess this is what got me into this mess in the first place.

Starting anew. Always tough. How much do you put aside anyways? to start over?

A big fat savings and your heart apparently.

I realized this weekend
Ill be starting over, alone.

But what difference does it make right? Its not like I havent been here before. Its not like I havent seen this before.

Knowing that I will be doing it alone. Reminds me of the hunger within. The hunger to start over, to put all pains behind me. Put all hopes behind me. Put all dreams behind me.

Starting from the very bottom, the very raw-ness. Yet again

I remember the mantra I used to remember as a teenager

You have nothing. No love. No money. No hopes. Nothing... But you also have nothing else to lose

A nice party with old friends. Reminded me of life. Reminded me of how it was like before I took this job. Or maybe when I first started this job.

Breakfast with an old friend. He has found himself a woman. He is excited. He tells me about it and I relive how The Boyfriend and I started out. I smile, I laugh. I am happy remembering all these memories that we have. All the good times that we have recently. Cant wait to see him again

Then he tells me, "She went crazy when I told her I dont know if I love her. After all... its still quite new. Why is she going crazy? I dont understand"

And just like that, my friend reminded me of everything I had forgotten. Everything that remained unsolved. Every pain I had kept hidden.

Sometimes friends suck like that

Im trying not to let this affect me... things are going so well right now... but its like running a race and getting a good pace and having someone trip you... You try to pick up, but your pace is gone

In my previous life
I was an eagle soaring high in the sky
A panther pawing quietly in the grass
I was the sun
I was the earth

In my previous life
I was swaying purple daffodils
I was thorned bushes grown tall
I was a field of sunflowers with my eternal weight bending me down

In my previous life
I was the wind
That gusts between your hair
The light in your eyes
The laughter on your lips

In my previous life
I dreamt of the day you will be born
I whispered sweet nothings in your hair
I was your silent kiss

In my previous life
or previous lives
of a hundred thousand souls
of pirates and princesses, slaves and ordinary people
of vagabonds

In my previous life
I will soon enough return

I was in bed watching a movie yesterday (FINALLY) and was borrowing a movie to keep me company. Watched The Incredible Hulk amidst the yelling of my friend who insisted it was a bad movie and I not watch it. She kept on reminding me of it so much that I watched the movie with no expectation. Did not imagine Edward Norton would pull a good job and SURPRISE! I was entertained (I wasnt amazed, just entertained)

Even this weekend when The Boyfriend and I went off to watch Transformers 2, Miss C had already warned me to not have expectations. So I went, hoping for nothing, wanting for nothing, and I came out with a smile on my face. The Boyfriend instead, was disappointed at how the movie had turned out.

The project that Im on, this due diligence. We had been promised hours would get better after a few days, because of course we cant be working from 11 p.m. till 7a.m. continuosly right?

WRONG! cancelled dinner dates, planned vacations, sleep, friends. Watching my friends try to explain to their partners thats it going to be yet another long night. Yet another night without tucking daughters into bed. Slowly, just kills you.

Maybe its life in general, that has made me this way. You expect nothing, want nothing, hope nothing, and in the end you dont get disappointed, you dont get hurt

and when things go ok, you are just pleasantly surprised. Pleasantly happy

I cant wait!


One more day to his arms around me. His scent surrounding me.

One more day

H1N1 and all

What else is there to say?

My company flew me out on a Friday to work in the office both Saturday and Sunday. As if that wasnt bad enough, we were working until 7am on a Sunday/ Monday morning for a meeting that we had later that day.

We head back to the hotel, sleep for 3 hours then I head back to the office just to find out that The Boyfriend had H1N1! which meant that I had a pretty high likelihood of having it (he came to visit me on Saturday)

So exiled I was, to the five star most expensive hotel here in this foreign country. Not that Im complaining of course.

3 days later and I am still here at my desk, still working. (Exile just means ur not in the office, not that ur not working). If all goes well (and it seems more likely to be the case) then I shall head off tomorrow, back to my country and home and back into the quarantined arms of The Boyfriend. (What? Two quarantines done make a home?)

This opulent opulent hotel is indeed nice, but after 3 days in confinement am I a little bored? Maybe, but not so, since Im still working from here. Still have things to do from here. But I would rather not be working, rather be lounging and doing nothing (Thats how lazy I am right now)

Further dreams of slipping away and travelling, no b school for me. Just slip slip slip away and join another company, another line of work. One that would allow me to stay home on weekends so that I wouldnt be stuck in this (wonderful) hotel instead

One more day, and back to The Boyfriend. For hugs, giggles and kisses

I am tired. I am tired of feeling tired. Sick and tired of being tired.

I am tired of having to work all through weekends all through nights. Foreign cities, foreign offices, foreign hotels. I am tired of not seeing family, of not seeing friends. I am tired of not seeing the Man I love.

A month ago, I was breaking. Cracking. Three years in this job. When the company is constantly telling you up or out, up or out. When you work work work and your life takes a back seat. I was tired. Ive been tired. Of all this. So a month ago, maybe more than that. I reached breaking point. Cracking down. Crying myself to sleep, loating waking up and going to work.

I took 5 weeks off, but could only do it because my father was sick. Had he not been, it probably wouldve been worse for me. At least the five weeks helped repair some cracks in my soul.

But not enough.

I came back fresh, ready to start over. Try again. But this time, they decided to put me on a due diligence. Notoriously known as monsters of the consulting world. You go in KNOWING this time, that you will be working late into the nights, you will not be able to see family, friends. You work weekends. You dont leave your desk to eat.

So here I am, breaking again. Being told on a Thursday that I needed to fly out on a Friday, work Saturday and Sundays. Stressed out because I dont know my work as well as I should be knowing it. Worried that yet again I will fuck up, screw up. Missing seeing The Boyfriend. My weekend plans to watch cheerleading, to meet up with an old old friend, to attend a wedding. All dashed.

Sure, I could be put up in this fabulous five star hotel. But ultimately, I am still here alone.

The Boyfriend coincidentally was transiting through this new city on his way back home. So we met, a brief hour, to be sufficient enough to last a week. Laughter, conversation, kissing. All that kissing. Missing his scent, missing his laugh, missing his hands on me, holding mine. Missing him missing him missing him and the life I am leaving behind.

I dont know anymore. If business school is something I want to do. At least I know now, that I dont want to remain here, in this job.

I want to leave. I want to go. I want to fly everywhere. I want to LIVE not this shelled office life.

The options are there. But making a life changing decision is hard. Do I quit? get a paper pushing job. Leave at the right time, meet the right people? hang out, talk? see the world? leave behind my five figure salary? leave behind this luxurious life?

Do I stay? Move up in this superficial world? Take all the shit being thrown at me in hopes that I would move to a position where I would have to make harder choices, harder decisions? where I cannot guarantee stress would be minimal? Do I keep earning all of these earnings, just to squander it on yet another designer bag, yet another luxurious hotel, yet another title.

But if I leave, the bigger question is. Will he fly with me?

The best foreplay... is conversation, holding hands, laughter... and a whole lotta kissing...

Cant wait till I see The Boyfriend again

You know what that means?

After five weeks of leisure, I shall disappear back into the working world. Not just the working world, but the dark abyss that is the due diligence. Something that tends to suck your soul in and spits out a tired, grumpy, sleep deprived and much thinner me

And just when The Boyfriends coming back too =(

Hopefully he stays this time. Having him away for almost a year was pretty darn long...

Did I not mention? Somethings happened between us. I feel the old spark again, flutters again.

I feel the old him remembering me again...

A childhood long forgotten. He wasnt really present. Sometimes in the back of my memories I find a whisper of him. Him holding up a the fireworks for us. Us giggling and watching the colorful lights stream out. Him teaching me how to ride a bike. Holding on to the big bad wheels as I cycled on. But sometimes memories fail you, they reconstruct. Sometimes you imagine things that never really happened. You imagine things that you would like to happen.

I dont remember him being there much... was the biggest thing I remembered about him. He was always working. Working working working. And when he came home late in the evenings, my brother and I would pretend we were asleep, so that he would come and sit near us and then we can jump up and surprise him. But the closer my memories get to the present, the lesser he is present. The less prominent he becomes.

Funny isnt it? How your relationship with your father will form your relationship with the entire male race for the rest of your life. Sometimes you get unlucky and your father is a great fuck-up. What then? Do you think of the rest of them as fuck-ups as well? Do you go off trying to mess up the lives of every single one you can find? Sometimes you get lucky, and your father is a good man. A good role model, and you can base ideas of a perfect relationship based off that.

What do you do when you have an in-between-father? Like all of us?

The things that I remember most, growing up, was that I barely saw him. When I was 12-13, he would send me for trainings every day, so I saw him then, in between falling asleep under my blanket in the back of the car, and being carted back home after trainings. When I was ~13-15, I would see him on the weekends when I was allowed to go home from boarding school.

When I came back home from 15-18, he was virtually gone. I barely saw him, always claiming he was working late. every.single.fucking.night.

How did I not grow up to resent him? Him being late to anything that I had on. Him not really caring to fulfill the promises he made to me. (I still have a bike that has been waiting to be repaired since 1994) Him not asking about me, not curious about my life at all. Not caring about what I was up to.

It is not easy to keep on believing when you do not trust that he will fulfill his promises. It is not easy to keep trusting, when he shatters the things you hold true. It is not easy to spend a lifetime still with him, when all you can remember is that he didnt really want to spend your childhood with his life. All he ever wanted to do, was to just keep on working. Bring money to the house and all that.

It isnt easy since nothing has changed ever. Fights have come and gone between us. I have even yelled at him, telling him he was not a good father. That he never understood that he needed to take time to get to know us. That I did not care how much money he made for us, that all I ever wanted was just for him to be there.

My father was hospitalized recently. Another countless event of his damaged arteries. Four blockages, two operations later, he contacted a skin disease as well. On his left foot. Leaving him bedridden for more than two weeks.

I came to see him every day. And it wasnt easy. What was there for us to talk about? We had differing views on everything, especially religion. He did not like games. He did not like books. He did not like tv shows and movies. I am not his son. I do not know sports, or care to know them. There was nothing that we could talk about. But I am his daughter, and it is my duty, my blood to be with him. Regardless.

So I read to him, his menu options for the next day. Asked him to choose his food. And after two weeks I got sick and tired of doing that too. Asked him to just read it by himself. Why couldnt he just read it by himself? Lazy?!

To which he answered "At least Ill get to hear your voice"

Maybe finally, he is beginning to realize how much it had hurt to not have him there growing up. To only see him in clouds and pieces. Maybe he has suddenly realized how much it had hurt to have him betray us all. How much his actions were finally impacting and forming my relationship with men. Maybe he realizes how little of us he knows, how few the memories of us he holds.

Maybe he can stop believing that he had always been a good father and realize how much more we had wanted.

I cannot blame him now can I? He followed a fatherly model that is obsolete now. A father with 14 children could not provide much attention. A father with 14 children will only spend his time finding food so that his children may eat. How do you become a close father when that was all that you learned?

My five weeks is up now. He will recover slowly and go back to work now. Things wont change. He will come back at 12, 1, 2 in the morning just like he has been doing for the past 10 years now. Because he cant change. And I cant change. It isnt easy to forgive, but it is easier to understand why some things remain the same.

You wish you could take back words. Shouts, anger. Curses that are like piercing swords into a fathers heart when you tell him that he wasnt there for you. That he wasnt a good father.

Sometimes, and most of the time. I just wish that we could have taken it all back. Gone back to the very beginning, and for things to just work out the way it should. The way it has in so many other families.

He wasnt the perfect father. But I wasnt the perfect daughter either. I guess the only thing you can come to realize, is that we did the best that we could. Maybe he wasnt the best father, but he was the best father he could have been.

Sometimes its not easy, to look out when its hazy. When youre clouded by every which emotion possible. Its not easy to find a direction, a point. Hell its not even easy to find the sun (as is evident by the Haze that has recently hit my country)

Here's a story, of a woman so caught up in her haze, she could not notice she was acting crazy. like CRAZY. could not see the signs of a man who was no longer interested in her. Who decided to crush every last inch of dignity left in her for the dream of a future that was ONLY in HER head.

This is the story about my friends ex.

So I had this housemate. Back in college. He and I were good friends, and we used to have a ball laughing at all these girls that he used to date/ sleep with. Yes, I know, we were mean, but what else was there to do when you hear of these stories.

So lets call him S. Now S was a complete lothario. He's a white guy with serious (and I do mean serious) Asian fetish. This man speaks so many Chinese languages/ dialects and currently lives in HK. While in college, he was an economics and stats major (do you know how many asians are in the bulk of his class?)

Anyways, due to his charming nature and ability to speak the language (to the level where he can compose poetry in Chinese), he dated/ slept with (I swear) almost every asian in school. And since I lived with him, I was the benefactor of all these stories where the girls would just throw themselves at him. All these asian girls who were thinking that he was 'The One' that just could not fathom the thought that it was just in their heads.

Seriously, S and I used to sit around the dinner table and laugh at his girls. So one time, he dated this girl who was a little older than him. And after a while, they broke up. Now this girl was a complete nut job. She used to come over to the house, and shout his name from the ground floor until our neighbors would come out. Until he had to invite her in because it was embarassing. Then of course she tried to get into his room, tried to sleep in his room, in his bed. All the while thinking, of course I can make him want me. He kicked her out, slammed and locked the bedroom door and she sat outside all night. Clawing the door, whispering his name.

Creepy I tell you? Nope not over yet.

She would call him and not say anything just so that she can hear his voice. She would stalk him on the college grounds and follow him. Crying in public. She held on to his shirt and even after he called her the worst chinese swear known to man (he said it was something along calling her cunt liquid or something I cant remember). She held on to his shirt and he struggled to get away. She ended up ripping his shirt.

Crazy? Nope not yet.

So he ended up going for an internship (we were back in the US then) somewhere in China or HK I cant remember. And she had actually FLOWN OVER to find him. Seeked out his hotel room. They called him and he told them to NOT RELEASE HIS ROOM NUMBER. Somehow or other, the next thing he knows, she is back in front of his hotel room door. Calling for him.

So what was it about this S that made girls act this crazy? (Like I said, he and I used to laugh about his girls, so can you imagine how many crazy stories like these are out there). What was it about him that made girls fly over the sea just to catch a glimpse of him, thinking all the while, well if Im here with him, he wont be able to resist me. If Im here with him and he talks to me, then he must still like me.

What was it that made these women think they were all in love with him. That they were all destined to have a future with him. Made them tell everyone who tried to advice them, that they didnt understand this feeling of love?

Nothing. It was nothing about him.

It was all in their heads. Or in all of our heads, when we justify all these small things. When we make excuses for his behavior. When a fleeting look is enough to make you feel that the both of you were meant to be forever. When every little act that he does gets blown out of proportion. When you dont realize, there is very little he is acting on.

I know it was mean to laugh at her. But honestly, someone who was throwing away that much dignity, that much self-respect. For a relationship that lasted what, all of 3 months? To deplete her resources, waste her time, her emotions. To decide to fly half way across the world for a man who doesnt even love you. Or like you. Or care about you. Or even wants to see you (because if he did, wouldnt he be calling you? trying to meet you?)

Lesson from this? We should always, always, learn to separate the haze. To find reality.

And hopefully preserve some self worth and dignity before its too late.

A person very close to me warned me that I am venturing pretty close into doormat territory. Reminded me to not give in too much. Reminded me that I have already done a lot, sacrificed a lot.

Reminded me that I was always always always thinking about his feelings. Had he ever made a decision based on mine? Asked me if he has done things to make me happy?

I dont know actually. Because I cant tell if he thinks about my feelings or not. I am casual and have no problems saying to someone "I am doing this because I care about you" or to think about how the other person may feel before I make a decision and tell them I was thinking about them before making a decision.

I cant really tell if The Boyfriend does the same. Because he simply doesnt verbalize things very much. Perhaps he does not have my gift of the hyperbole or flair for drama.

Could he do more? Im sure he can. After all, what is life if it wasnt filled with vast room for improvements. But has everything thats happened been enough?

Ill be honest. I really dont know. Our relationship has been evolving so much from the very beginning. Initially I was someone who needed a lot of contact. To hear his voice a lot. See him a lot. Eventually after this became a big area of contention for us, I started losing my need for it. Stopped needing to hear his voice. To talk to him anymore. Does this mean I sacrificed a part of myself, a part of my expectation? I dont know.

We tried, to have longer phone calls, or more frequent phone calls. But then we would end up with lots of empty space, lots of empty conversation. And was that worth it just to check the box that said he had called? No it most deff wasnt. So eventually, the importance on that matter ceased as well.

Then of course, there were the emails. Flying back and forth between work. As well as the messenger (thank god for office messenger) that we would have. Sometimes long lags in between. Mostly short, straightforward, to the point. Did I want flowery romantic emails and constant email from him. Sure I did, which girl wouldnt? But we were practical. And it was enough to remind me that he wanted to at least communicate with me.

Of course, it doesnt beat seeing him face to face. Though that need and desire of mine has not changed. (After all, if a person doesnt actually want to see or spend time with their partner, then hello! there is deff something wrong with the relationship) that too eventually got compromised. Him being posted to the middle east close to what was it, 6-9 months? and then off to Indonesia for another 6. Made it so difficult to keep this option open. Him being closer now does make a difference. And in the beginning we tried to see each other more often.

But with work scheduling and differences. When both of you are consultants and all you want to do on the weekend is sleep or work, seeing each other too, becomes much much harder.

Of course, then (and this perhaps might be my one area of contention) came the conversation about sharing things together. Information. Pieces of your life. I wanted it, he didnt. Essentially told me that he didnt need to tell me things "If they didnt concern me". Why was it important for me to know where he had gone or what he had been up to if I wasnt in any which way involved in it.

How do I explain to someone who is so independent that this is what you call a relationship. When you just want to know and keep on knowing about the other person. It was painful I will admit when he told me I didnt need to know things about his life that didnt concern me. Felt like I was being shoved behind a big giant door that said 'you dont deserve to be in here'.

Of course, that too was something I decided to bypass. To simply say, fine. If you dont want to tell me fine. I feel like Im being pushed out of your life but if thats the way you feel about it, then fine.

So is this what it is to sacrifice? to eventually have all my expectations of a relationship stripped away? Or are these merely excuses for me to justify behavior?

Am I a doormat that keeps on getting stamped on, prodded on, unappreciated?

I honestly cannot tell.

I was tired. Tired of lying to everyone so that people would think things are ok. Tired of spending week nights with my friends who are married, who hold hands while he kisses her hair, her forehead. I am tired of even being with my perennial bachelor friend who finally decided to settle down with a girl. Tired of half partners willing to fly in from Spain to spend time together here.

I am tired of the happy couples. I am tired of pretending I am part of a happy couple.

So I lie. Grit my teeth and tell everyone he isnt here because he wanted to explore another country. Tell people I am not there because I am needed her by my family. I drop little hints about him so that people still feel that he and I are still together, sharing, happy, strong. That we are independent couples just gone off and done our own things but will eventually come back again.

But above all, I am tired of lying to myself. I prefer not the truth, prefer the truth not be known, because I keep hoping and wishing that things will turn around. That somehow, miraculously, eventually, he would realize how much I am worth to give up. I dont want to break this bubble this spell because I want there to be a chance. I dont want to break this bubble because I still miss him. I still miss us. I still want us

As it turns out, he is tired too. Tired of making up stories for my not being there. Tired of answering questions about me, my situation. I asked him if he would prefer people know, so that they would stop bothering him. He tells me he isnt sure if it would be helpful to him.

I realized then, him not wanting to tell other people, it wasnt because he was harboring the same hope and wishes too.

I am alone in this rainmakers dance. Hoping and wishing that enough sitting still on the side and praying will return things to how it used to be when everything was sunshine and rainbows. Or knowing that no matter what the storm, eventually there would be sunshine and rainbows. It turns out I am dancing to no music. Spiralling in a trance. I am the only person wishing for this still. Dreaming of us still.

Perhaps its time for me to stop lying to myself. To realize there is no one left in the room but me now. Burst the bubble and say it out loud so that I am reminded constantly there is nothing left behind. Even our ashes have risen and been blown off. No more hope. No more wishing.

No more lies.

Ive been going through the paces now, one step at a time now. And lists lists lists! keeps popping in my head reminding me of my place in time in history. I must not lie. I will say that I am enjoying my leave of absence. I have a purpose daily : Be with dad in hospital, and study for GMATs. Whatever remainder of time I have, I get to spend on other fun wholesome activities!

Ive
1. Checked out a flea market
2. Gone to a ballet (sorta)
3. Seen Barbies exhibition/ or challenges of age
4. Walked by floating kites in the park
5. Checked out Harpers Bazaars photo exhibition
6. Had dinner with friends in new restaurants like Bar Italia...

I will
1. Go for my first comedy night (attending not participating)
2. Check out the dragonboat festival
3. See 2 new art exhibitions (in 2 separate locations)
4. Watch percussions concert
5. Debating signing up for a book club discussion on One Fifth Avenue (what?! this would be my first foray into the deep book discussion world on chick lit. Time to put to good use my philosophical developments honed through my creative writing course in college... plus theres a Marie Claire goodie bag at stake)
6. Japanese film festival
7. Independent films being shown for free!
8. And of course... my kryptonite... trying to sign up for 3 10km runs. The standard chartered one (if I can get the blardy ppl to let me sign in), the Siemens run, and the Shape night run! in Putrajaya! Should be real pretty, and at least quite unique. Im hoping by signing up for these things and putting money down I would be really motivated to actually go running.

So far, having no salary has been somewhat... liberating. surprised? I know I am. But I try other options for dining, even (aghast!) cooking!. I dont buy things simply because I want it. More on the premise of needing it. And Miss C who has been quite a constant companion with me is helping me out quite a lot by reminding me constantly that I have no money. hahahahaha

And then of course! the postcard keeps on coming from my old library manager who has promised himself a new country every year! he has reached 54 (though his age is likely to be 45) hahaha sorry Dan. And then, I was like... ooo! What do I have!
1. Malaysia
2. Uzbekistan (dont ask)
3. Canada
4. USA
5. Venezuela
6. France
7. Italy
8. Switzerland
9. Japan
10. Singapore (counts!)
11. Indonesia
12. Thailand
13. Vietnam
14. Laos
15. Cambodia
16. Hong Kong
17. Taiwan
18. India
19. Australia
20. Spain
21. UAE
22. UK
and hopefully by end of year 23. Egypt! With The Wolf!!

see how my lists gives me things to look forward to?

but of course
12 days till I start work again
11 days till I take the exam?
3 days before I register to take the exam? hahaha
and 1 day before visiting the Museum of Islamic Arts with Miss C!

I must say... I am starting to truly appreciate this lifestyle. Reminds me how life and work should work out...

Of course, would be nice to have a purpose and a salary to go with this as well. hahaha

As some of you may know, Im preparing for the GMATs. Not the easiest thing to do while balancing visiting my dad everyday who is still in the hospital. I was talking to The Boyfriend, trying to remember how it was that I had so much discipline as a 17 year old girl studying for the high school exams.

I used to manage waking up early in the morning, going to school, coming straight back home and studying non-stop until nightime. I remember how my parents used to get worried and would ask me to take a break, to come downstairs and watch tv. I worked like clockwork, changing subjects every hour. I went through a mountain of revision books left behind untouched by my brother and sister. My weekends were a blur of science, history, math, additional math, literature, economics, Islamic studies, english, national language, accounting...

I was pretty well prepared for the exam that year.

I remember now, how I managed to do it. I was heartbroken, shattered. Cradling-remnants-of-a-broken-soul-crying-and-hating-the-world-wishing-I-was-dying-heartbroken. He was my first love, a boy back in high school. Tall and lanky with dark skin. I used to skip classes and stay with him in the back of an old ice kacang stall by the river. Used to sit with him and his friends and watched as he smoked a ciggie near me. Laughed as he and his friends talked about the boys and the girls and their experiences in school.

I loved him. Very much. Our parents found out about us. His parents moved him to a faraway state. I pined for him like you can imagine any 16 year old girl would pine for her first love. Saved up money so that I could feed the public phones to speak to him. He wasnt very good to me, that one. Wasnt a very positive effect on me. We used to argue on the phone and he will just hang it on the side, and I would sit there, crying, on the other line, hoping he would pick up the phone again. I would wait for him, sometimes just sitting there quietly for an hour. Hoping. I would spend my time in between classes to try and call him.

Then one day I realized, he never called me back. One day I realized I had put my heart and soul into this relationship and he had barely raised a finger. One day I realized we fought more than we loved. I cried far more than he ever made me laughed.

One day I realized that no man could be good for you if he makes you hate yourself more than anything in the world.

No man is worth it if he makes you feel worthless.

So one day, I called him, and I broke it off with him. We cried, enough to seal the seedlings of our youthful love. And then I stopped all contact with him.

I channeled everything. My pain, my anger, my sadness, my frustration. Everything. Into studying. I moved out of myself and relied on structure and practice and organization to get through my day. To heal I spent one hour at a time, looking at questions, finding the solutions, one subject at a time. Then it became 3 hours in the day, 5 hours in the day, and the days just melted by.

My best work comes when I am most depressed, when I feel the worst. Because there is nothing else for me to lose. There is nowhere else for me to go. You destroy yourself so that one day you can rise again like a pheonix in the sky. Hopefully this time stronger. Hopefully this time wiser.

But I think about it now, and I wonder. How healthy is it for me to destroy my soul, to reach into that deepness of pain and hurt and anguish just to singe my skin off and be reborn. How many times can a pheonix rise before the ashes engulfes him through and through.

How many times can I go through this? At what cost? At what expense? Broken hearts dont mend so well. But a broken soul... a broken soul takes years to heal, if any. A broken soul metamorphosises into something different, every time it comes back. It changes like the winds that carry it back into you, with remnants curling off and away never to return.

I cant help it still. I still seek solace in what is known, what is organized, expected, scheduled. Structure helps keep me sane especially when I am in a sea of fog. But I want to try this time, to move up slowly, to take it one step, one ladder at a time. Sometimes to fall and falter, but to be ready to pick myself up.

I am tired of my pheonix wings burning. So tired that if I let it burn this time, it may never come back.

This song has been playing in my head for a long time now...

Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong
And everything you think you had baby
Is gone

Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong

It's all over but the crying
Fade to black I'm sick of trying
Took too much and now I'm done
It's all over but the crying

Do you really think I'm made of stone baby?
C'mon!
That we only love the things we own?
Baby you're wrong

Certain things just happen when you make no plans
And love can really tear you up and it can break you down
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong

It's all over but the crying
Fade to black I'm sick of trying
Took too much and now I'm done
It's all over but the crying

Baby we're done

If I could I would
I'd change everything
Cause I can't forget you though you don't believe me
Now I can't walk back
I can't leave behind
Where does it go all the light that we had?

Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong
And everything you think you had baby
Is gone

Baby we're done

This reminds me... what life is all about

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I dont quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
Theyre not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

Forget what were told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
Thats bursting into life

Lets waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

Forget what were told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
Thats bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
In here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I dont know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

The confusion. The lust. Tip toeing the borders of danger and safety. Most of all... the excitement. The heady crazy excitement of the pain and anguish and potentiality of it all.

I can understand why people crave this feeling. How I used to live off this feeling. When the edges used to blur between goodness... and the dark side within.

The wish for a happy ending. The endurance of going through it with the other person. Culmination, in the rain or the snow. In the middle of the mountains, by the riverside. In the forests.

That one perfect moment of feeling that the both of you belong together forever. Regardless of the odds, the pains, the challenges.

And that one kiss. That first perfect kiss.

In the middle of the night. With the moonlight streaming in. The warm body next to you. Fighting every urge of temptation to give in. To not cross the line.

Then that delicious absolutely delirious moment when he turns to you. Cups your face in his hands and kisses you softly, gently and violently.

Your world completely dissapears and all you can taste is his lips on yours all you can sense is the heady excitement of your mingling scents your mind going insane with all the built of chemistry between you two your voice inside screaming Yes screaming No your hands rushing across his body pulling his shirt of frantically tracing his body gently scratching his back onto you your body wanting to pin him down wants to be pinned down wants him on top of you wants him in you wants him wanting him wanting him wanting him that this is right this is right this is right

That explosion. That crazy confused point.

Then the world quiets down. Your mind quiets.

Hums.

His lips on yours. His hands holding your face. Your body.

Silence.

That delicious. Softness.

When your worlds. Melt into each other.

That is the moment you live for.

When did it start?

As a girl growing up in this culture in this continent I have been marked with certain responsibilities. Parents never go to an old folks home. They must always live with their children when they are old and especially once they lose the other half of their lives. Eventually children start driving their parents around because they dont want to deal with the hassle of parking and traffic jams. Eventually the children are the ones to hunt around for their glasses so that the old eyes can get some help. Eventually you bring them to hospitals, for check ups, you sit by their side while they recover. You wash and wipe their feet and tuck them in. And eventually you receive phone calls in the middle of the night telling you that they need to go to the Emergency room. NOW.

I just never thought it would happen this early. This young in my life. I imagined it would happen when I am older, wiser, more prepared to know and understand whats going on with their bodies. To be able to help my parents get undressed and tuck them into bed just as I would have tucked my children.

I never thought it would be now.

Theyre the ones that you could never imagine growing old. The one that I always know I can go to and cry when things get bad and all they would have to do is hold my hand and tell me things are going to be ok. Or the one I would call for whenever I have problems (like when my car died... twice!) Theyre the ones who are supposed to be strong. Always.

I just dont like that reminder... of my parents mortality. Im not ready for it. Not now. Not yet. I want to forever be their little girl and have them always watch over me...

Last weekend I was vegetating around and thinking about things to do when the realization sinks in. Where are all my girl friends? One was off traipsing Hong Kong with my other friend who lives there. One was off moving from Jakarta to Bangkok. One was living it up in London... or Amsterdam... or Brussels (Where were you Wolf?) and one was ... well actually I dont actually know which country she's in now.

So, very few re: One married female friend was left in my country, my city. Its pretty tough because there's only so much clothes and style and tv shows that I can talk with with The Boyfriend. I want to dress up and go and have 'high tea' (snooty English)I want to dress up and walk around and shop around with girls. I want to go for pedicures and manicures and do our hair together.

I wanna do girly stuff too damnit! Not that I dont love being with The Boyfriend (shout out! I love being with you) I do miss being a little princessy sometimes. And a lot of the times, there are just things I want to do that can only be done with girls.

*sigh* this is what happens when you let your social life kind off die around you. Somehow the boys stick around. (I actually have tons of male friends). Go figure.

On another note. I was watching The Oprah Show with my mom and there was a very interesting coverage on the Republic of Mauritania. Essentially the women are considered more attractive the bigger they are. To a point where they are force feeding the girls with camel milk (force feeding has now been banned recently) They also prize women who are divorced, and have cellulite!! and the men need to be slim to be considered attractive. Isnt it crazy how we could have such different ideas on beauty around the world? So if your big, have cellulite and divorced, you would be pretty much prime meat in the Republic.

Well, back to the original question... so where are my female friends.... I think I need to find more of them...

Excitement. The lust of a fresh new relationship. The sparks every time your skin touches mine. Our flight into a different land. Music with us. I am happy that we are Taking Chances, you are worried about this chance.

We check into our hotel and never leave the nest of your body and mine together. The laughter, the smiles. The sweat of you and me while we caress each others face. My fingers tracing down your sweaty body. Your palm flat on my stomach. Kisses. Plenty and merciless that we rain on each other.

Dragged out, the promise of the day so close gone. We walk, hand in hand and find the elusive restaurant you had wanted to bring me to for dinner. We have no reservations but luckily we find ourselves a table amongst the brick a brack of the restaurant. Between the masks and the flowers. We walk a little bit more but do not find the beach. Instead we find a shop selling Japanese paraphenelia. One dollar, two dollars.

The sea breeze on our faces. Sitting on the side of the boat. Your hand around my waist. A snapshot of time with your arms lazily dangled over my shoulder. My hand on top of yours.

The beach. Glorious waters. Untamed ocean of blue blue blue. We walk together in the waters... along its coastal line. We dig up a hole and build a giant crab surrounded by a giant moat. I loved watching you do it. The excitement in your face, the competitiveness of building a great claw that would withstand the fight of the sea.

Us. Lazing by the poolside. Reading magazines. Reading nothing. Staring at the sky submerged in cool water.

It was us. You and me. You and me. Madly madly madly wrapped in each other. Against all odds, against all our dark secrets. We made it out of that island, taking chances, hand in hand.

Its not easy being in a relationship where everythings so bright, blindingly bright, that your rose tinted glasses cant help any more.

Ill be honest. There are days when it is hard. Oh so hard, when I want someone to fuss over me, when I want someone to go to special places with me. When I want someone to be interested in me, in my life. To be curious about me. To want to know me.

To want to plan things with me, do things with me. Spend time with me. Tell me things about his life. Share with me his life.

But then of course, all those things come in a relationship when the other person loves you. Once that gets chucked out the window, everything special that comes with it gets chucked out the window too.

I have to keep on remembering that now. Stiff upper lip now. Because my relationship doesnt come with those options anymore. When I feel hurt because he doesnt say hi, or ask about my day, I remind myself he doesnt love me and therefore why should he be thinking about me, why should he care about my day. When he makes plans to go somewhere without me, I remind myself, it doesnt come with the relationship anymore. Not this relationship. So I should stop making plans for him and me. Stop thinking about places we could go to for the weekends...

How we used to kidnap each other for the weekends...

Whichever it is. I know some days I cry inside, and I no longer need to turn to him. The pain of thinking and knowing that sometimes he could not be there for me hurts enough to stop me.

Sometimes I am reminded of the kid who falls down and scrapes her knee, noticing that no one notices her pain and crying, she just gets up, dusts herself off and walks away.

I miss that though. That feeling of having someone care for you so much. The feeling of voracious hunger to know each other. That feeling of waking up knowing, trusting, that this person wants to be with you. The feeling of wanting to have some plan for the future together. To travel together, to be on adventures together.

Sometimes I feel like we are drifting apart. Other times I feel like we are getting better, that things are getting better with us. He tries now. E-mails me sometimes to say hello. Talks to me sometimes. We laugh together, we cry together. We talk, and open up to each other sometimes. We go for beautiful breezy evenings in the park reading together. Go to the bookstore and buy books together. There are mornings when I wake up and turn around and he is there. And there are morning when I wake up when I ask myself if he is there for me.

My rose tinted glasses are shattered. There are days when I stay because I still love him... because I want to be there for him, whenever he needs me. But there are days when I wonder if my love for him is even enough anymore...

I think one of those things that are on top of the list of wrong things to do, is to marry someone simply because you've been with them for a long time and think that you're a dick if you didnt.

Wrong move soldier

Sometimes its not about you and me. Sometimes its not about me.

Thats the thing about relationships. It teaches you new things about yourself, like the fact that sometimes, the best thing for you to do. Is to just stand by your partner and wait for the storm to pass.

You walk into the house. Close the door. Lock it. You drop the keys into the box. Look around.

Something's amiss. Something's different now.

That face. Looking at you. Eyes that used to be soft. You cannot find that something in there that used to look at you. Long for you.

Asleep. In bed. Its different now. Something's amiss now. Little things that start to build up. Little things that start to pile up.

You look. Inside. And its less painful now. Less care now. Has enough anguish finally broken you down. Has enough despair eventually burnt out the flame. A question. If something is amiss in you now too...

What has become of her? she wonders. What has become of the young girl so bent on making her path in the world on her own. What became of her?

What has become of her? she wonders. What has become of the person who fiercely loves those near and dear to her. What became of her?

What has become of her? she wonders. The free spirit that used to roam and flow with creativity, who wanted to tell stories of the world. What became of her?

What has become of me? The face in the mirror I no longer recognize. My sleepless nights haunted by past mistakes now faced. When did I take this turn into destroying my soul. Where was that line that I crossed... where once I would never wish for anything bad to happen to someone close to me, now is the reason for me to seek solace from the world.

I dont know what happened. Did greed and ambition take the best of me. Did I become one of those people who would bulldoze my way to the front, not caring if I am using other people as my footstool. Did I become one of those rich snobs that scoff at everything else, expectation levels high above anything else.

I hope that mirror's cracked. That that reflection isnt mine.

Long gone are days when my conscience was kept locked away. It is finally free now, and I am riding waves and waves and waves of my past behavior. I am worried now, of karma coming back for me. Remembering now, that not everyone deserves happiness, and truly not one such as I.

I am reminding myself now, that there are wishes I simply should not make. That that Higher Power up there, could be trying to teach me a lesson. Every corner I turn, I wait.

That reflection in that mirror. Its not pretty. Im not pretty.

What happened to that straight lace honorable loyal arrow I used to be.

Its 2.30 a.m.

We are in the office making sure our presentations have the same 'analysis' vs. 'Analysis' (on font size 6 mind you).

Our giant master model had to be revised... twice! because there was one mis-link that threw the whole market model off. And this after one week of trying to triangulate and make sense of all the data. When I say one week, I mean almost two, working until at least midnight to one every day.

On Sunday our boss requests us to go into the office from 12.30 p.m. We end up staying there till 1.30 a.m.

While I write this, its now 3 a.m. and we are still here. Cleaning up some smaller things, nitty gritty things, things that at 3 in the morning, I really couldnt care less about.

At 3 a.m. my boss asks for 2 more analysis cuts. Imagine how long it takes for us to do under normal circumstances. Now we've been looking without enough sleep for weeks, stressed and still! you want add new things. Killing the team.

My two colleagues on the case have it worst. While most of my work was frontloaded. (sleeping at 5 a.m.) their work has been bad all the way through. Theyve had to work at about 100 hours a week including the Sunday weekend we spent together and us putting in all the work this week.

Its quite bad. I worry about my colleague driving home in these conditions. I worry about us being completely useless on days on end because of this. This isnt even a fucking due diligence for god's sake. Why the hell am I working DD hours.

urgh... these are reminders as to why I should quit my job.

I miss my bed...

I was cleaning up the condo today. Trying to get rid of more things, to make space for more things. I had done a major spring cleaning about a month plus ago, and gave all my unwanted clothes to my sis. I told her to give it to her friends, or sell it at about two dollars each. Instead, she brought it to her market bazaars, her flea markets, and sold my clothes and her clothes for a grand total of about 150 dollars one weekend, almost 200 the second weekend. (I shouldve arranged for a commission instead of a cup of coffee).

So I cleaned more, tried to minimize my clutter to the only few items that matters to me. Made more space for The Boyfriend. For him to leave his things here if he wanted to. In a more accessible location.

Thats when I found it, a card he had given to me last year. I remember him telling me he had a surprise, and that he wouldnt give it to me until the next morning. He had just returned from Cambodia and he refused to give me my surprise all night.

I opened the card... an alarm clock on the front

' Alarm clock... bad'

and inside

' waking up next to you : just right'

I love this card. Brought me smiles. Reminded me back of the time when we were in love with each other. Back when things were straightforward... when things were clear.

The water is clearing again, between us... slowly

That card....
I love that card for everything it reminds me off... for his signature at the bottom. Those words he said to me, and then took back... the word I dont expect to hear from him anymore...

Back when he would sign it

" Love, ...The Boyfriend"

He comes home this weekend. Home to me, home to me cooking dinner for us for the very first time in this whole time that we have been together. Maybe that is how it is with us, it takes longer than normal for us to move forward. With us dancing left right, behind and front. But slowly, baby steps, we are moving forward.

We talk. I know he is tired, sense his tiredness. But he ceases to snap at me. Instead, he tries to talk to me, instead he listens to me. Instead he laughs with me, and makes jokes with me. He is trying and beyond everything else. I know he is trying and it makes me incredibly happy.

We talk, late into the night. Revisit each others philosophies of life. Of how it would be like to grow older with each other. The first weekend we were together it was a semi joke, something we could laugh at. When we spoke about the white picket fence, about having children, about growing old. About having our own little cooking space and our own cooking utensils. That one evening was a laugh for us. A test, but more than that, a laugh. But now... now those conversations have meanings. They start to hold bigger promises. We choose our words wisely now, look inside ourselves, question ourselves for a little bit, to understand how would we act in the future. It carries something serious now. We talk, and listen, and we will decide if the future together if what we can do. If we have the same thoughts, the same ideas on how the future might be, how we might raise our children if we decided to have any

I used to think that The Boyfriend brought out the best in me. In his company, I have always wanted to be a better woman. I have always wanted to bury my past and start over. I used to think that I was the lucky one this whole time. That I offered him nothing, but he offered me everything

I realize now, how complementary it is. Now, I feel that I bring out the better man in him. The man that wants to try, to talk, to make an effort. A man that is checking his temper more. Realizes more, how easy voice and language and diction can hurt someone. The man that I first fell for, the sweet, gentle man with the big heart

Because at the end of the day, it was his heart that I fell for. And we've gone through the ups and downs, the anger and the crying. But Ive always known that inside he is a good man. And I am hoping that I am helping him bring it out and shine it up a bit more just as he has brought out the best in me...

March 21: En Route to Camp David
The First Lady traveled with her husband to the Presidential retreat wearing a rust colored trench coat over cropped cigarette pants and classic flats.

Mrs. Obama joked to the New York Times about the President's close watch of her wardrobe: “He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet'

Instyle.com

I was having dinner tonight with a colleague of mine. We talked about so much, about race, religion, choice of religion, choice of partner, deal breakers in a partner, conservative parents, travelling the world, choosing where to settle down, name of children, childrens future options, how tradition plays a part in raising children, how is religious imposed on other people, on families, how families should stick together, when families dont stick together.

It was easy for us, the conversation just went on and on. And I thought to myself...

"Why am I not having this conversation with my boyfriend?"

Has time gone by so fast and we are so busy that we have forgotten who we are? That we have stopped taking the time to get to know each other?

The last time I saw him, we barely exchanged proper conversations. I always felt that he was on the verge of being defensive, of being cranky, of just being tired and not wanting to talk to me. So we didnt, I left him alone. I spoke to my friends, laughed with them, and let him do what he wanted to do.

Have we gotten so tired by life that we cant put in the effort to find out who the other person is? Or as he had put it before, when we started going out, we were curious, it was exciting, you wanted to learn everything about the other person

Are we past that point now?

What happened to the us that used to laze in bed and talk with my head pressed deep into your chest. What happened to the us that talked to each other while cooking in the kitchen? What happened to the us, sitting on the sofa, across a dining room table holding hands and unearthing the histor of each others minds and hearts?

We dont talk about future plans, future hopes, how children should be raised, how investments should be split. We make no reference beyond the here and now, and maybe now weve expanded a little to include the soon-to-be's... a month down the road...

We have no plans of you and me and us and the future. So is there really one?

Where are we when we dont have conversations? When I always feel that to talk to you I will end up annoying you, you will end up angry or cranky or grumpy at something Ive said. So I shut up and tune out and we go about and be ok with the silence of each other. Rather than fill it with incessant noise, of empty one sided conversations

Or do we really not care about the same things anymore?

Sometimes it is more important to judge by the silence. If you can survive a silence, you can survive a conversation right?

But what happens when there is no conversation to survive? What happens if we grow old together, and my dancing feet stop dancing, and our travelling feet stop travelling, when the children grow up and move out, when we are too lazy to go out.

Will we talk then? How much would we need to catch up on then? a lifetime of conversation. Of knowing what the other person had hoped and dreamed about. How the other person sees things. Will we know each others philosophies? Will we know the true belief the other person has?

And if we do not talk, will we laugh? how do we create joyous sounds in our home if there was no voice to build it?

Will there be silence... of perfect strangers living in perfect harmony?

Please god, if you are there...

Let there be raucous cacophonous sounds in my life. Let it be filled with conversation and laughter and joy. Let there be sound and merriment, arguments and apologies

And when that is all over, let there be a smile on my face from all the conversations we've had, of all the laughter you had created in me. And then, finally then, let the silence be all the conversation we would ever need, let your hand in mine be our secret language...

but then, and only then....

An ex colleague of mine put up some pictures of her recent trip to Venice. It brought back a lot of colorful memories for me. After all that was what Venice had. Color. Lots and lots and lots of color.

But it also reminded me of a really good survival story.

I went to Venice as a student with a very good friend of mine, lets just call her Bicycle (dont ask me, insiders joke). So anyway, the Bicycle and I had been studying in Paris at that time and we decided, hey ! lets go travel to Venice.

I remember the journey there, being on the train, looking out the window and seeing water. Its surreal enough to feel as though youre passing right through the ocean, but suddenly seeing buildings pop out from the water... even more incredible

We were staying at a youth hostel, which turned out to be an apartment with 4 beds that we shared with other people. We had to scout like crazy for the owner just to get into the apartment! The main area of Venice (you know, the one with the famous Rialto Bridge) is mainly for tourists. Im serious, you cant really find locals on this side. If you want to see the locals, and see the famed Murano glass, youre gonna have to leave your comfort zone.

Venice had cups of coffee at about 3-4 Euros... I wanted to die.

But the great thing about Venice? Yeap, that survival story about Venice?

They had LARGE pizza slices going for about one to one fifty Euro... EACH.

Now, thats a meal right there.

So if you wanna survive Venice and their super expensive tourist exclusive prices, just walk around a bit (I found some good ones close to the bus station) and look around for those cheap and delicious single slices of pizza that would fill you up for a few hours.

And if you want dessert! Gelato's were going for about one Euro each too. I know because I had mine first thing in the morning in a market, and a man walked by to comment how much I looked like I was enjoying my gelato

Enjoy yours too!

We arrive amidst the chaos of New Delhi. A lost wallet becomes a stolen wallet as The Boyfriend and I wait in the terminal for the airplane cleaners to be checked. No luck, it is now 12 a.m. and The Boyfriend and I leave one wallet less (his) and check into a hotel 30 minutes away.

The Boyfriend stays awake, late, and we had to leave at 5 a.m. to catch our next flight. India does not seem to start so well for him and I.

***

We arrive in Udaipur. Land and take in the clean clean air. It is the first thing you notice. The second, the lack of any sound. You are surrounded by the Indian mountains, breathing clean air and not a sound... Udaipur greeted us silently. Books had warned us of touts at the airport trying to bring you to the hotels you 'booked'. But no one bothered us, in fact no one even stirred. They rather much sat by themselves, taking in the breeze. The laid back feel that welcomed us set the pace for our time there in Udaipur.

We stayed at Jagat Niwas, a heritage hotel facing the famous Pichola Lake. The Lake Palace resplendent in the middle of the waters with the mountains behind it and Monsoon Palace perched up on the top. I was ecstatic. The hotel was amazing. I imagined it would be how Mykonos would be, with its white white washed wall and spanish terrace and steps.

We took a much needed long nap, and awoke just in time to bring ourselves out past 3 p.m and took in some food at a rooftop cafe. Udaipur is filled with these, these rooftoop cafes. And as we sat there eating, an elephant rumbles by below us, winding its way through the winding streets.

The Boyfriend and I opted to walk then... All over the town with its winding streets not unlike Europe. We stopped to watch two men deep fry jalapenos coated in spice and giggled as the owner gave us one for free when he couldnt break our bill. Delicious. Absolutely delics

The streets lead to I have no idea where, and The Boyfriend leads me past streets selling sarees, streets selling shoes, wet markets, dry markets, and somehow... he brings me back to where we started. Sweaty and tired, we slowly make our way back to the hotel. Saying hello to our roof top waiter when we see him much later.

We go back to our hotel and walk around a little, to find ourselves the terrace restaurant! Our lonely planet assures us the food is good and it deff does not dissapoint. Absolutely delicious, with The Boyfriend beside me, the sun coming down on the lake and the City Palace illuminated in the background. What more could I ask for?!

The next morning we set off early to walk around the City Palace. It takes much longer than expected and we come out sweaty, thirsty and tired. Decided to go on a boat cruise around the Lake. I had been warned by a colleague who had visited, who said he has seen people use the Lake as a toilet and told me to never put my hands in the water no matter how tempted I might be.

We let the slow boat build a breeze and walk a little on land. We decide to go for a late lunch at Queen Cafe, all the way on the other side. It was well worth the trip.
The cafe is small and inconspicuous on a small lane. There is only one table in a darkly lit semi basement and a floor space on the split level. We moved from downstairs to upstairs only to find ourselves in the company of a sleeping young girl who was immune to the hustle and bustle of all these tourists coming by.

The food amazing, the proprieter a lovely lady who had been cooking for a while while bringing up her two kids - I find out, she is my age. What a difference!

She recommends us to go to Sunset Gardens, warns us that Monsoon Palace is overrated. So we go, and find ourselves in the company of locals who decided to use the cable car. The sunset breathtaking I slowly walk down the slopes. Occassionaly my hand slipped in his.

We go back to take a quick shower (thank god! Jagat Niwas had a good bathroom and allowed us to take a shower even though we checked out) and headed out! for our overnight train to Jaipur....

and another adventure continues...

I am near tears tonight. Blame it on my hormones, blame it on my missing The Boyfriend. Blame it on endless thoughts of a bleak bleak future.

It hits you hard, suddenly. The pangs of being in a job you do not particularly like. At a stress level you know is leaving you thinking you're not smart enough, good enough. The thoughts of a future where you are going day in, day out, doing something you really couldnt care less about. Something that is slowly eating out your social diary, your soul.

I sold my soul for too cheap I guess.

Why dont I quit you say? Because inside I am a coward and the thought of being jobless is scary if not still freeing. I know that when I leave, even in these economic times, I can find a job anywhere, doing anything. If I am willing to demote myself, decrease my pay, and join an organization where politics is rife, where accountability is close to none and I can punch my card out of the office guilt-free at 6 p.m. So why not? Because inside I am still worried that if I make one wrong move now, I would never be able to rise up again. That even though Im burnt out, worn out, disechanted now, I am afraid by going into Middle Management I will get lost. Unknown. And back to doing something I dont really care about. This time with less stress, less pay but at least with the ability to have a life.

Ive thought about leaving the company. Looked around today and there is an opportunity to join an international jeans company. Its retail, fashion. Job seems intresting, timelines seems much longer than usual. Its in a foreign country, and though the country seems boring, the prospect of doing something I could actually enjoy seems ideal.

But the thought of leaving behind The Boyfriend breaks my heart. I couldnt do it. Even now when he leaves me weekly to go and work, my heart breaks a little when we kiss and say goodbye. I am ok all the way until I get back to my empty home. And then the emptiness kicks in. And sometimes the reminder, the realization, that he still doesnt know if he loves me kicks in.

Why dont I leave him? you say. And I cant. I just cant. My heart is too full with happiness every time we are together, every time I hear his voice. His eyes locked on mine. Our kisses. Him telling me he likes holding my hands. Small things, big things. I love him too much to ever think of leaving him. No matter how he feels about me. The pain of a half-known relationship. The feeling that I cannot bury no matter how hard I try to put my stoic face up and pretend it doesnt hurt.

I know to be happy I need to be happy inside. To love myself first and not have someone validate my love. But its not easy sometimes. Staring into a mirror. Sitting in your big empty house. Thinking about yet another stressful model you need to build that you have no idea how to go about doing. When the one person you want to just hold you and kiss you and stroke your hair is gone into another country, another frame of mind. And knowing, how rich you could be. Without that other person, this life might as well be empty

Sometimes on bad days I feel like I have nothing left here, except for broken hearts, broken dreams. A closet full of clothes, a bank account full of money I cant use for the things I really want. A man I want to want me back, but one I cannot force. A future that I wish was bright, but one where I cant figure out which hue to cast

I love afternoons with you. Lazy mornings.

The moments after we wake up and you swing your arm around me, wrapping me in. The moments when your scent, your smell, sinks into my skin.

I love our little conversations in the morning. Lazing in bed, just talking, just connecting.

I love looking at your face with the afternoon sun rolling in. Kissing. As we curl up in your nest of sheets.

2 Weeks of setting up and getting the lay of the land
5 nights (total) of working till 3 a.m.

FINISHED THE FUCKING MODEL ON MARKET SIZING!!!!!
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*dances*

ok la... just hope the number actually makes sense...