I was having dinner tonight with a colleague of mine. We talked about so much, about race, religion, choice of religion, choice of partner, deal breakers in a partner, conservative parents, travelling the world, choosing where to settle down, name of children, childrens future options, how tradition plays a part in raising children, how is religious imposed on other people, on families, how families should stick together, when families dont stick together.

It was easy for us, the conversation just went on and on. And I thought to myself...

"Why am I not having this conversation with my boyfriend?"

Has time gone by so fast and we are so busy that we have forgotten who we are? That we have stopped taking the time to get to know each other?

The last time I saw him, we barely exchanged proper conversations. I always felt that he was on the verge of being defensive, of being cranky, of just being tired and not wanting to talk to me. So we didnt, I left him alone. I spoke to my friends, laughed with them, and let him do what he wanted to do.

Have we gotten so tired by life that we cant put in the effort to find out who the other person is? Or as he had put it before, when we started going out, we were curious, it was exciting, you wanted to learn everything about the other person

Are we past that point now?

What happened to the us that used to laze in bed and talk with my head pressed deep into your chest. What happened to the us that talked to each other while cooking in the kitchen? What happened to the us, sitting on the sofa, across a dining room table holding hands and unearthing the histor of each others minds and hearts?

We dont talk about future plans, future hopes, how children should be raised, how investments should be split. We make no reference beyond the here and now, and maybe now weve expanded a little to include the soon-to-be's... a month down the road...

We have no plans of you and me and us and the future. So is there really one?

Where are we when we dont have conversations? When I always feel that to talk to you I will end up annoying you, you will end up angry or cranky or grumpy at something Ive said. So I shut up and tune out and we go about and be ok with the silence of each other. Rather than fill it with incessant noise, of empty one sided conversations

Or do we really not care about the same things anymore?

Sometimes it is more important to judge by the silence. If you can survive a silence, you can survive a conversation right?

But what happens when there is no conversation to survive? What happens if we grow old together, and my dancing feet stop dancing, and our travelling feet stop travelling, when the children grow up and move out, when we are too lazy to go out.

Will we talk then? How much would we need to catch up on then? a lifetime of conversation. Of knowing what the other person had hoped and dreamed about. How the other person sees things. Will we know each others philosophies? Will we know the true belief the other person has?

And if we do not talk, will we laugh? how do we create joyous sounds in our home if there was no voice to build it?

Will there be silence... of perfect strangers living in perfect harmony?

Please god, if you are there...

Let there be raucous cacophonous sounds in my life. Let it be filled with conversation and laughter and joy. Let there be sound and merriment, arguments and apologies

And when that is all over, let there be a smile on my face from all the conversations we've had, of all the laughter you had created in me. And then, finally then, let the silence be all the conversation we would ever need, let your hand in mine be our secret language...

but then, and only then....