I am near tears tonight. Blame it on my hormones, blame it on my missing The Boyfriend. Blame it on endless thoughts of a bleak bleak future.
It hits you hard, suddenly. The pangs of being in a job you do not particularly like. At a stress level you know is leaving you thinking you're not smart enough, good enough. The thoughts of a future where you are going day in, day out, doing something you really couldnt care less about. Something that is slowly eating out your social diary, your soul.
I sold my soul for too cheap I guess.
Why dont I quit you say? Because inside I am a coward and the thought of being jobless is scary if not still freeing. I know that when I leave, even in these economic times, I can find a job anywhere, doing anything. If I am willing to demote myself, decrease my pay, and join an organization where politics is rife, where accountability is close to none and I can punch my card out of the office guilt-free at 6 p.m. So why not? Because inside I am still worried that if I make one wrong move now, I would never be able to rise up again. That even though Im burnt out, worn out, disechanted now, I am afraid by going into Middle Management I will get lost. Unknown. And back to doing something I dont really care about. This time with less stress, less pay but at least with the ability to have a life.
Ive thought about leaving the company. Looked around today and there is an opportunity to join an international jeans company. Its retail, fashion. Job seems intresting, timelines seems much longer than usual. Its in a foreign country, and though the country seems boring, the prospect of doing something I could actually enjoy seems ideal.
But the thought of leaving behind The Boyfriend breaks my heart. I couldnt do it. Even now when he leaves me weekly to go and work, my heart breaks a little when we kiss and say goodbye. I am ok all the way until I get back to my empty home. And then the emptiness kicks in. And sometimes the reminder, the realization, that he still doesnt know if he loves me kicks in.
Why dont I leave him? you say. And I cant. I just cant. My heart is too full with happiness every time we are together, every time I hear his voice. His eyes locked on mine. Our kisses. Him telling me he likes holding my hands. Small things, big things. I love him too much to ever think of leaving him. No matter how he feels about me. The pain of a half-known relationship. The feeling that I cannot bury no matter how hard I try to put my stoic face up and pretend it doesnt hurt.
I know to be happy I need to be happy inside. To love myself first and not have someone validate my love. But its not easy sometimes. Staring into a mirror. Sitting in your big empty house. Thinking about yet another stressful model you need to build that you have no idea how to go about doing. When the one person you want to just hold you and kiss you and stroke your hair is gone into another country, another frame of mind. And knowing, how rich you could be. Without that other person, this life might as well be empty
Sometimes on bad days I feel like I have nothing left here, except for broken hearts, broken dreams. A closet full of clothes, a bank account full of money I cant use for the things I really want. A man I want to want me back, but one I cannot force. A future that I wish was bright, but one where I cant figure out which hue to cast
It hits you hard, suddenly. The pangs of being in a job you do not particularly like. At a stress level you know is leaving you thinking you're not smart enough, good enough. The thoughts of a future where you are going day in, day out, doing something you really couldnt care less about. Something that is slowly eating out your social diary, your soul.
I sold my soul for too cheap I guess.
Why dont I quit you say? Because inside I am a coward and the thought of being jobless is scary if not still freeing. I know that when I leave, even in these economic times, I can find a job anywhere, doing anything. If I am willing to demote myself, decrease my pay, and join an organization where politics is rife, where accountability is close to none and I can punch my card out of the office guilt-free at 6 p.m. So why not? Because inside I am still worried that if I make one wrong move now, I would never be able to rise up again. That even though Im burnt out, worn out, disechanted now, I am afraid by going into Middle Management I will get lost. Unknown. And back to doing something I dont really care about. This time with less stress, less pay but at least with the ability to have a life.
Ive thought about leaving the company. Looked around today and there is an opportunity to join an international jeans company. Its retail, fashion. Job seems intresting, timelines seems much longer than usual. Its in a foreign country, and though the country seems boring, the prospect of doing something I could actually enjoy seems ideal.
But the thought of leaving behind The Boyfriend breaks my heart. I couldnt do it. Even now when he leaves me weekly to go and work, my heart breaks a little when we kiss and say goodbye. I am ok all the way until I get back to my empty home. And then the emptiness kicks in. And sometimes the reminder, the realization, that he still doesnt know if he loves me kicks in.
Why dont I leave him? you say. And I cant. I just cant. My heart is too full with happiness every time we are together, every time I hear his voice. His eyes locked on mine. Our kisses. Him telling me he likes holding my hands. Small things, big things. I love him too much to ever think of leaving him. No matter how he feels about me. The pain of a half-known relationship. The feeling that I cannot bury no matter how hard I try to put my stoic face up and pretend it doesnt hurt.
I know to be happy I need to be happy inside. To love myself first and not have someone validate my love. But its not easy sometimes. Staring into a mirror. Sitting in your big empty house. Thinking about yet another stressful model you need to build that you have no idea how to go about doing. When the one person you want to just hold you and kiss you and stroke your hair is gone into another country, another frame of mind. And knowing, how rich you could be. Without that other person, this life might as well be empty
Sometimes on bad days I feel like I have nothing left here, except for broken hearts, broken dreams. A closet full of clothes, a bank account full of money I cant use for the things I really want. A man I want to want me back, but one I cannot force. A future that I wish was bright, but one where I cant figure out which hue to cast
i blame it on your hormones.
quitting job, quitting relationship, doesnt seem to solve anything. these are merely facades that locked all your broken dreams and heart.
bleak future. everybody goes thru the same phase at one point in their life. take it easy now..
you wanted to carry too much on your shoulder. you worry too much at times. do not complicate.
one day at a time.
now.
t' will be alrite.
love..