A person very close to me warned me that I am venturing pretty close into doormat territory. Reminded me to not give in too much. Reminded me that I have already done a lot, sacrificed a lot.

Reminded me that I was always always always thinking about his feelings. Had he ever made a decision based on mine? Asked me if he has done things to make me happy?

I dont know actually. Because I cant tell if he thinks about my feelings or not. I am casual and have no problems saying to someone "I am doing this because I care about you" or to think about how the other person may feel before I make a decision and tell them I was thinking about them before making a decision.

I cant really tell if The Boyfriend does the same. Because he simply doesnt verbalize things very much. Perhaps he does not have my gift of the hyperbole or flair for drama.

Could he do more? Im sure he can. After all, what is life if it wasnt filled with vast room for improvements. But has everything thats happened been enough?

Ill be honest. I really dont know. Our relationship has been evolving so much from the very beginning. Initially I was someone who needed a lot of contact. To hear his voice a lot. See him a lot. Eventually after this became a big area of contention for us, I started losing my need for it. Stopped needing to hear his voice. To talk to him anymore. Does this mean I sacrificed a part of myself, a part of my expectation? I dont know.

We tried, to have longer phone calls, or more frequent phone calls. But then we would end up with lots of empty space, lots of empty conversation. And was that worth it just to check the box that said he had called? No it most deff wasnt. So eventually, the importance on that matter ceased as well.

Then of course, there were the emails. Flying back and forth between work. As well as the messenger (thank god for office messenger) that we would have. Sometimes long lags in between. Mostly short, straightforward, to the point. Did I want flowery romantic emails and constant email from him. Sure I did, which girl wouldnt? But we were practical. And it was enough to remind me that he wanted to at least communicate with me.

Of course, it doesnt beat seeing him face to face. Though that need and desire of mine has not changed. (After all, if a person doesnt actually want to see or spend time with their partner, then hello! there is deff something wrong with the relationship) that too eventually got compromised. Him being posted to the middle east close to what was it, 6-9 months? and then off to Indonesia for another 6. Made it so difficult to keep this option open. Him being closer now does make a difference. And in the beginning we tried to see each other more often.

But with work scheduling and differences. When both of you are consultants and all you want to do on the weekend is sleep or work, seeing each other too, becomes much much harder.

Of course, then (and this perhaps might be my one area of contention) came the conversation about sharing things together. Information. Pieces of your life. I wanted it, he didnt. Essentially told me that he didnt need to tell me things "If they didnt concern me". Why was it important for me to know where he had gone or what he had been up to if I wasnt in any which way involved in it.

How do I explain to someone who is so independent that this is what you call a relationship. When you just want to know and keep on knowing about the other person. It was painful I will admit when he told me I didnt need to know things about his life that didnt concern me. Felt like I was being shoved behind a big giant door that said 'you dont deserve to be in here'.

Of course, that too was something I decided to bypass. To simply say, fine. If you dont want to tell me fine. I feel like Im being pushed out of your life but if thats the way you feel about it, then fine.

So is this what it is to sacrifice? to eventually have all my expectations of a relationship stripped away? Or are these merely excuses for me to justify behavior?

Am I a doormat that keeps on getting stamped on, prodded on, unappreciated?

I honestly cannot tell.