Ive been deprived of sleep for a while now... Perhaps ever since I came back from Egypt and this fiasco erupted in my face. I dread going to bed since I know I will wake up in the middle of the night. At least once, and wake up fully not well rested. The nightmares of the night before vivid in my head.

I dont know what to do anymore. I exercise to tire my body out. I try to meditate right before I go to bed. I breathe, and place myself inside this emotionless box inside my head where I know no pain, no pleasure. But it still doesnt help. It reminds me of my old ways and my old days when it was so much easier to feel nothing. Hope for nothing. Want for nothing. Because then, at least then, you feel no pain, no frustration, no annoyance, no anger, no jealousy, no betrayal of your head over your heart or your heart over your head. When you no longer know what is real and what is imaginary. When your paranoia eats at your heart so much you go to bed even more uncertain than the night before. Even less trusting

I am tired. I am tired because I cant sleep and I cant sleep because my days are spent working and watching and my brain goes into overdrive over analysing everything. I am tired because I am over thinking, over worried, over stressed, and then I go to bed and have nightmares about it. Every night... and I wake up even more tired, stressed and paranoid than the day before.

I dont know what else to do anymore. I think my last resort is to just go back to sleeping pills. Or the anti-depressents I used to take in college. Just something... anything, to at least let me get a good nights rest... so that I can wake up with a cleared mind, rested, and hopefully, one day, with no paranoia

Or am I just simply, too damaged and broken to truly trust again? and that this is the way my soul is trying to tell me?

*** update
Cough syrup... the one that has a label "This may cause drowsiness". I think that could help in the short run