I was tired. Tired of lying to everyone so that people would think things are ok. Tired of spending week nights with my friends who are married, who hold hands while he kisses her hair, her forehead. I am tired of even being with my perennial bachelor friend who finally decided to settle down with a girl. Tired of half partners willing to fly in from Spain to spend time together here.

I am tired of the happy couples. I am tired of pretending I am part of a happy couple.

So I lie. Grit my teeth and tell everyone he isnt here because he wanted to explore another country. Tell people I am not there because I am needed her by my family. I drop little hints about him so that people still feel that he and I are still together, sharing, happy, strong. That we are independent couples just gone off and done our own things but will eventually come back again.

But above all, I am tired of lying to myself. I prefer not the truth, prefer the truth not be known, because I keep hoping and wishing that things will turn around. That somehow, miraculously, eventually, he would realize how much I am worth to give up. I dont want to break this bubble this spell because I want there to be a chance. I dont want to break this bubble because I still miss him. I still miss us. I still want us

As it turns out, he is tired too. Tired of making up stories for my not being there. Tired of answering questions about me, my situation. I asked him if he would prefer people know, so that they would stop bothering him. He tells me he isnt sure if it would be helpful to him.

I realized then, him not wanting to tell other people, it wasnt because he was harboring the same hope and wishes too.

I am alone in this rainmakers dance. Hoping and wishing that enough sitting still on the side and praying will return things to how it used to be when everything was sunshine and rainbows. Or knowing that no matter what the storm, eventually there would be sunshine and rainbows. It turns out I am dancing to no music. Spiralling in a trance. I am the only person wishing for this still. Dreaming of us still.

Perhaps its time for me to stop lying to myself. To realize there is no one left in the room but me now. Burst the bubble and say it out loud so that I am reminded constantly there is nothing left behind. Even our ashes have risen and been blown off. No more hope. No more wishing.

No more lies.