Its not easy being in a relationship where everythings so bright, blindingly bright, that your rose tinted glasses cant help any more.

Ill be honest. There are days when it is hard. Oh so hard, when I want someone to fuss over me, when I want someone to go to special places with me. When I want someone to be interested in me, in my life. To be curious about me. To want to know me.

To want to plan things with me, do things with me. Spend time with me. Tell me things about his life. Share with me his life.

But then of course, all those things come in a relationship when the other person loves you. Once that gets chucked out the window, everything special that comes with it gets chucked out the window too.

I have to keep on remembering that now. Stiff upper lip now. Because my relationship doesnt come with those options anymore. When I feel hurt because he doesnt say hi, or ask about my day, I remind myself he doesnt love me and therefore why should he be thinking about me, why should he care about my day. When he makes plans to go somewhere without me, I remind myself, it doesnt come with the relationship anymore. Not this relationship. So I should stop making plans for him and me. Stop thinking about places we could go to for the weekends...

How we used to kidnap each other for the weekends...

Whichever it is. I know some days I cry inside, and I no longer need to turn to him. The pain of thinking and knowing that sometimes he could not be there for me hurts enough to stop me.

Sometimes I am reminded of the kid who falls down and scrapes her knee, noticing that no one notices her pain and crying, she just gets up, dusts herself off and walks away.

I miss that though. That feeling of having someone care for you so much. The feeling of voracious hunger to know each other. That feeling of waking up knowing, trusting, that this person wants to be with you. The feeling of wanting to have some plan for the future together. To travel together, to be on adventures together.

Sometimes I feel like we are drifting apart. Other times I feel like we are getting better, that things are getting better with us. He tries now. E-mails me sometimes to say hello. Talks to me sometimes. We laugh together, we cry together. We talk, and open up to each other sometimes. We go for beautiful breezy evenings in the park reading together. Go to the bookstore and buy books together. There are mornings when I wake up and turn around and he is there. And there are morning when I wake up when I ask myself if he is there for me.

My rose tinted glasses are shattered. There are days when I stay because I still love him... because I want to be there for him, whenever he needs me. But there are days when I wonder if my love for him is even enough anymore...