I am tired. I am tired of feeling tired. Sick and tired of being tired.
I am tired of having to work all through weekends all through nights. Foreign cities, foreign offices, foreign hotels. I am tired of not seeing family, of not seeing friends. I am tired of not seeing the Man I love.
A month ago, I was breaking. Cracking. Three years in this job. When the company is constantly telling you up or out, up or out. When you work work work and your life takes a back seat. I was tired. Ive been tired. Of all this. So a month ago, maybe more than that. I reached breaking point. Cracking down. Crying myself to sleep, loating waking up and going to work.
I took 5 weeks off, but could only do it because my father was sick. Had he not been, it probably wouldve been worse for me. At least the five weeks helped repair some cracks in my soul.
But not enough.
I came back fresh, ready to start over. Try again. But this time, they decided to put me on a due diligence. Notoriously known as monsters of the consulting world. You go in KNOWING this time, that you will be working late into the nights, you will not be able to see family, friends. You work weekends. You dont leave your desk to eat.
So here I am, breaking again. Being told on a Thursday that I needed to fly out on a Friday, work Saturday and Sundays. Stressed out because I dont know my work as well as I should be knowing it. Worried that yet again I will fuck up, screw up. Missing seeing The Boyfriend. My weekend plans to watch cheerleading, to meet up with an old old friend, to attend a wedding. All dashed.
Sure, I could be put up in this fabulous five star hotel. But ultimately, I am still here alone.
The Boyfriend coincidentally was transiting through this new city on his way back home. So we met, a brief hour, to be sufficient enough to last a week. Laughter, conversation, kissing. All that kissing. Missing his scent, missing his laugh, missing his hands on me, holding mine. Missing him missing him missing him and the life I am leaving behind.
I dont know anymore. If business school is something I want to do. At least I know now, that I dont want to remain here, in this job.
I want to leave. I want to go. I want to fly everywhere. I want to LIVE not this shelled office life.
The options are there. But making a life changing decision is hard. Do I quit? get a paper pushing job. Leave at the right time, meet the right people? hang out, talk? see the world? leave behind my five figure salary? leave behind this luxurious life?
Do I stay? Move up in this superficial world? Take all the shit being thrown at me in hopes that I would move to a position where I would have to make harder choices, harder decisions? where I cannot guarantee stress would be minimal? Do I keep earning all of these earnings, just to squander it on yet another designer bag, yet another luxurious hotel, yet another title.
But if I leave, the bigger question is. Will he fly with me?
I am tired of having to work all through weekends all through nights. Foreign cities, foreign offices, foreign hotels. I am tired of not seeing family, of not seeing friends. I am tired of not seeing the Man I love.
A month ago, I was breaking. Cracking. Three years in this job. When the company is constantly telling you up or out, up or out. When you work work work and your life takes a back seat. I was tired. Ive been tired. Of all this. So a month ago, maybe more than that. I reached breaking point. Cracking down. Crying myself to sleep, loating waking up and going to work.
I took 5 weeks off, but could only do it because my father was sick. Had he not been, it probably wouldve been worse for me. At least the five weeks helped repair some cracks in my soul.
But not enough.
I came back fresh, ready to start over. Try again. But this time, they decided to put me on a due diligence. Notoriously known as monsters of the consulting world. You go in KNOWING this time, that you will be working late into the nights, you will not be able to see family, friends. You work weekends. You dont leave your desk to eat.
So here I am, breaking again. Being told on a Thursday that I needed to fly out on a Friday, work Saturday and Sundays. Stressed out because I dont know my work as well as I should be knowing it. Worried that yet again I will fuck up, screw up. Missing seeing The Boyfriend. My weekend plans to watch cheerleading, to meet up with an old old friend, to attend a wedding. All dashed.
Sure, I could be put up in this fabulous five star hotel. But ultimately, I am still here alone.
The Boyfriend coincidentally was transiting through this new city on his way back home. So we met, a brief hour, to be sufficient enough to last a week. Laughter, conversation, kissing. All that kissing. Missing his scent, missing his laugh, missing his hands on me, holding mine. Missing him missing him missing him and the life I am leaving behind.
I dont know anymore. If business school is something I want to do. At least I know now, that I dont want to remain here, in this job.
I want to leave. I want to go. I want to fly everywhere. I want to LIVE not this shelled office life.
The options are there. But making a life changing decision is hard. Do I quit? get a paper pushing job. Leave at the right time, meet the right people? hang out, talk? see the world? leave behind my five figure salary? leave behind this luxurious life?
Do I stay? Move up in this superficial world? Take all the shit being thrown at me in hopes that I would move to a position where I would have to make harder choices, harder decisions? where I cannot guarantee stress would be minimal? Do I keep earning all of these earnings, just to squander it on yet another designer bag, yet another luxurious hotel, yet another title.
But if I leave, the bigger question is. Will he fly with me?
