I am writing again
Come find me
Come find me
What is the point of a blog? Some people write to share their stories, to update loved ones. Some people use it as a creative means to get ideas out. Some even more as a place to rant and rave about things known and unknown.
I am no novice to blogging. Most of you have been with me through my numerous ones. Each time I have left I allow you some way to find me again. So that my life and yours remains intermingled always. Though we never meet, you will know of what happens to me and the drama-ness in my life.
But
My thoughts are poison
They murk the water of my relationship. Sour friendships. Because my blog as most blogs are, is one-sided. I tell you stories of my pain, wrongs done to me. The people I speak about have no voice to retaliate and you would have to hope that I have given a balanced and just move
Sometimes I do not
After all, I am only human
Over the course of the years I have met many men, men I laugh about and regale you stories with. Men that I dramatize with nicknames and such and all the while hoping that I would meet one that lasts.
In recent years, I met someone that means a lot to me. He lifted me up when I was angry and depressed. Brought sunshine and sunflowers into my life. Yes, we have issues, and yes we get angry and we fight a lot. But what relationships dont? And the biggest question that I have to answer for myself is if he is worth fighting for. And if we are worth fighting for.
My relationship means too much to me to poison. My friendships means too much for me to break. And I am too tired of continuously hurting and hurting others. Here or anywhere else.
I am leaving.
This room, this empty room was for me to come in and to scream and yell and rant. But this room over the course of time has been filled with eyes and ears of people who do actually know me. Who do actually cross paths with me. This room isnt needed anymore. When I have thoughts that hurt me I should not let them be publicly known. When I am angry and frustrated, sad and heartbroken, no one except the people involved should have to know.
So goodbye my friends. After more than five years, has it been eight now? it is time for me to bid you a real and final goodbye. I am liberating myself from the chains of my thoughts and I will run free and soar the skies.
Wish me well as I wish you well and perhaps one day our paths will cross again
Cheers
I am no novice to blogging. Most of you have been with me through my numerous ones. Each time I have left I allow you some way to find me again. So that my life and yours remains intermingled always. Though we never meet, you will know of what happens to me and the drama-ness in my life.
But
My thoughts are poison
They murk the water of my relationship. Sour friendships. Because my blog as most blogs are, is one-sided. I tell you stories of my pain, wrongs done to me. The people I speak about have no voice to retaliate and you would have to hope that I have given a balanced and just move
Sometimes I do not
After all, I am only human
Over the course of the years I have met many men, men I laugh about and regale you stories with. Men that I dramatize with nicknames and such and all the while hoping that I would meet one that lasts.
In recent years, I met someone that means a lot to me. He lifted me up when I was angry and depressed. Brought sunshine and sunflowers into my life. Yes, we have issues, and yes we get angry and we fight a lot. But what relationships dont? And the biggest question that I have to answer for myself is if he is worth fighting for. And if we are worth fighting for.
My relationship means too much to me to poison. My friendships means too much for me to break. And I am too tired of continuously hurting and hurting others. Here or anywhere else.
I am leaving.
This room, this empty room was for me to come in and to scream and yell and rant. But this room over the course of time has been filled with eyes and ears of people who do actually know me. Who do actually cross paths with me. This room isnt needed anymore. When I have thoughts that hurt me I should not let them be publicly known. When I am angry and frustrated, sad and heartbroken, no one except the people involved should have to know.
So goodbye my friends. After more than five years, has it been eight now? it is time for me to bid you a real and final goodbye. I am liberating myself from the chains of my thoughts and I will run free and soar the skies.
Wish me well as I wish you well and perhaps one day our paths will cross again
Cheers
I guess some people were just not as excited and couldnt wait to see me as I did them
Mood : Annoyed, angry, sad and heartbroken
Mood : Annoyed, angry, sad and heartbroken
Tell me something, tell me anything. Tell me about your life about the smell the sun the skies. Tell me about the place where you run to, about the office you work from. About your house about your life.
Tell me.
Tell me about seeing dots flying in the sky. About the way the city looks, the city sounds. Of the food that you eat, the places you see.
Tell me something.
Tell me anything. Anything that lets me know who you are. Who you are becoming, while youre away from me. The hopes that you have. The dreams that you want.
Or tell me nothing. Hush.
But hold me close forever more
Tell me.
Tell me about seeing dots flying in the sky. About the way the city looks, the city sounds. Of the food that you eat, the places you see.
Tell me something.
Tell me anything. Anything that lets me know who you are. Who you are becoming, while youre away from me. The hopes that you have. The dreams that you want.
Or tell me nothing. Hush.
But hold me close forever more
Were we young once? Broken battered and beaten by life. Till we reached the depth of our madness and saw in each other similar tattered souls.
How did we survive then? Adventures aplenty. We travelled the world, conquered the men and regalled each other with our battle scars.
How old are we now? Wisened? slow? sages tired of climbing this mountain of life?
But we were there, you and I. To hell and back and back again.
I wish you well Writer. I wish you all the love and joy in the world and hopes for happiness to you. Regardless of what happens, Ive always known, you are fiercely loyal and honorable.
Thanks for the email. I know you didnt have to, which is why I was so honored when you did
How did we survive then? Adventures aplenty. We travelled the world, conquered the men and regalled each other with our battle scars.
How old are we now? Wisened? slow? sages tired of climbing this mountain of life?
But we were there, you and I. To hell and back and back again.
I wish you well Writer. I wish you all the love and joy in the world and hopes for happiness to you. Regardless of what happens, Ive always known, you are fiercely loyal and honorable.
Thanks for the email. I know you didnt have to, which is why I was so honored when you did
Ive been sent down under, to a country filled with people who would get in line (because there is a line!), a city filled with people where you end up walking fast to avoid everyone. A country where taxi drivers dont really know how to drive and being inside one makes me want to vomit every single time.
I had brunch with some colleagues yesterday and spied a grandfather with a cute grandson, just sitting on a bench by the water watching life go by. The grandfather was really old, and the grandson really young. And as I sat there watching them watching life, I felt my clock ticking too. Would my father be able to hold my son? Would my mother be able to play with my daughter? When would this inevitable family landscape come by? I am 27 this year, by no means old, but by no means young. Conversations with my female colleagues highlights how so many of us in this line of work have had miscarriages, are unable to conceive. The largest failure of us as a woman.
I am by no means old, but I do think about these things. I do worry if I would inevitably be able to bring a child into this world. If I wait too late, what are the implications? would it be harder for me? and if its late, then what? what would be worse than not being alive when your children get married, what would it be like to be sending them off to college when I am in my 50's? my 60's?
But I am young still. I love life as it is right now. I love the ability to just pick up and leave. Of being able to travel wherever I want to go. I love that life is just about me right now. No complications. What will happen when I have a child? What will happen if I dont get along with the Father?
And then of course, there is indeed that. What about the father? Who is that man who will be with me (hopefully) for the rest of my life? Who is this man who would love to wake up next to me in the morning and look forward to coming home to me and our children. Who is this man who would be the father? who would guide and advice, who would be my partner in life?
So many questions, so few answers. And as the clock chimes 27 this year, I wonder, how much time is there left?
I had brunch with some colleagues yesterday and spied a grandfather with a cute grandson, just sitting on a bench by the water watching life go by. The grandfather was really old, and the grandson really young. And as I sat there watching them watching life, I felt my clock ticking too. Would my father be able to hold my son? Would my mother be able to play with my daughter? When would this inevitable family landscape come by? I am 27 this year, by no means old, but by no means young. Conversations with my female colleagues highlights how so many of us in this line of work have had miscarriages, are unable to conceive. The largest failure of us as a woman.
I am by no means old, but I do think about these things. I do worry if I would inevitably be able to bring a child into this world. If I wait too late, what are the implications? would it be harder for me? and if its late, then what? what would be worse than not being alive when your children get married, what would it be like to be sending them off to college when I am in my 50's? my 60's?
But I am young still. I love life as it is right now. I love the ability to just pick up and leave. Of being able to travel wherever I want to go. I love that life is just about me right now. No complications. What will happen when I have a child? What will happen if I dont get along with the Father?
And then of course, there is indeed that. What about the father? Who is that man who will be with me (hopefully) for the rest of my life? Who is this man who would love to wake up next to me in the morning and look forward to coming home to me and our children. Who is this man who would be the father? who would guide and advice, who would be my partner in life?
So many questions, so few answers. And as the clock chimes 27 this year, I wonder, how much time is there left?
I guess its been a while since I bitched about work. But yes, things were good for the past 4 months or so (work-wise). I had been working together with The Boyfriend (was certainly not one of the best ideas), but had been working in my home country with amazing (almost normal!) hours of going back at 6:30-7:00 p.m. every day. I knew then that this was an anomaly. That this was the best kind of project Ive had in my 3.5 some years working in this industry.
No rose tinted glasses here baby
But I also knew, it was a sweet dream I was going to wake up from. I knew it was going to be back to working long late hours, feeling insecure and inferior and just hating life in general.
And it is.
The difficulty of having The Boyfriend leave the industry is that I dont think he sees things the way things used to be anymore. I think in general, people who are not in this industry cannot truly understand or emphatize. Questions keep on coming "Why do this?"
Which is what Ive asked myself in the past year or so
"Why keep on doing this?"
Honestly, I am SO tempted to just quit and bum around for three months or so. After all, I have the savings to be able to do it. So why not?
Well, I do want to have something else firm in mind before I decide to just quit cold turkey. Im still risk averse that way
But yeah, I think Im going to just tell my new employers (once I can find one) that I want to take off for 3 months or so before starting work again.
What do I do in 3 months? Honestly I have no idea. But perhaps thats the best idea of all =)
No rose tinted glasses here baby
But I also knew, it was a sweet dream I was going to wake up from. I knew it was going to be back to working long late hours, feeling insecure and inferior and just hating life in general.
And it is.
The difficulty of having The Boyfriend leave the industry is that I dont think he sees things the way things used to be anymore. I think in general, people who are not in this industry cannot truly understand or emphatize. Questions keep on coming "Why do this?"
Which is what Ive asked myself in the past year or so
"Why keep on doing this?"
Honestly, I am SO tempted to just quit and bum around for three months or so. After all, I have the savings to be able to do it. So why not?
Well, I do want to have something else firm in mind before I decide to just quit cold turkey. Im still risk averse that way
But yeah, I think Im going to just tell my new employers (once I can find one) that I want to take off for 3 months or so before starting work again.
What do I do in 3 months? Honestly I have no idea. But perhaps thats the best idea of all =)
I think there might be a few things you should know about me.
1) I dont get mad very easily
2) When I get mad I will fucking try to kill you
The thing is, after my historical teenage years, my not really meeting expectations college, suicidal thoughts, family history... after all these things, I tend to not sweat the small stuff. Or at least try to not sweat the small stuff.
If you see me disappearing for a while, its partly because my therapist had adviced me to try and avoid being in situations that stress me out but that I have no control over. Things like my friends problems, other peoples depression. Sounds bad, I know, sounds like abandonment, I know. But these are the things that keep me sane, and keep me from jumping off the bandwagon off a bridge and into a river. These are things I need to do for me.
Because after all, if I dont look out for me, myself and I, who else would?
As a result, I am quite 'edited' when it comes to friends. I have very few close friends, a handful (maybe one handful) of friends that know my deepest darkest secrets and fears, and a lot of acquantainces. Though in recent years, even this group of people have slowly been edited down.
I am choosy and particular, as I believe I have the right to be when it comes to people.
So when people let you down, I believe I have the right to unleash my own way.
A colleague of mine (recently an acquantaince. You can refer to her as the frenemy/ bitch) decided to come into my office room and accuse me, in front of my other colleagues, of stabbing her in the back. What exactly did she accuse me of doing and in what circumstance does not matter. Needless to say it was a petty fight, very high school drama queen. And yes, I could have dealt with it better. (I was taken off guard and started raising my voice)
Post fight, I stop caring about her. Seriously, she could get run over by a bus for all I care (yes, this is my second bitchy/ asshole colleague, not the same as the first one). Because at the end of the day, what you accused me of doing and how you dealt with it was truly a betrayal of trust.
And I dont deal well with that kinda shit.
Post-mortem evaluation, I realize that I really couldnt care less about her existance in my life. There were no added benefits. Think about it, she tries to get attention from men (including MY Boyfriend), she asks me to lie and cover up for her when she leaves the office early or without informing our boss, she cheats on her previous boyfriend and tells her parents that she's staying over at my place (when she was secretly staying over at her new bf's place... without even telling me that she was using me as an alibi for her parents until much later).
Now what have I gained from her.... hmmm... hmmm....
nothing
So, pretty simple decision. I'll just cut her off from my life.
The bitch inside me wants to venge out, the bitch inside me wants to go out and destroy her life. The bitch inside me remembers what its like to walk over someone, to get what I want. To not care about other people.
The bitch is still inside me.
But I dont. As much as I do actually want to, I wont. Because repercussions are dear, so even when she decides to insult me for being heartless and for not being compassionate, I decide to not show her how TRULY heartless I can be. I decide to sit around and take the abuse.
Perhaps this is the new me now.
I will not change. Inside my soul is an ice queen, inside my soul is a bitch. I am not clean and pure, I am not white and repentive. This is me. This is who I am. Should I edit myself to show you a fake side of me? a side that can just brush it off like dewdrops on a leaf? what for? whose life lie shall I live?
Inside, my soul is not clean and clear and great and fine. Inside, I am torn and damaged, cynical and gray. This is how I survive. This is how I live.
If you dont like it. Walk away
Now, when you betray me I can still control it. I can still say to myself, No, dont go out and do something bad. No, dont go out and do something wrong.
But try it again and I cannot promise you that I will remain big enough. Try it again...
and dont blame me when I fucking come around to blow your house of cards down
1) I dont get mad very easily
2) When I get mad I will fucking try to kill you
The thing is, after my historical teenage years, my not really meeting expectations college, suicidal thoughts, family history... after all these things, I tend to not sweat the small stuff. Or at least try to not sweat the small stuff.
If you see me disappearing for a while, its partly because my therapist had adviced me to try and avoid being in situations that stress me out but that I have no control over. Things like my friends problems, other peoples depression. Sounds bad, I know, sounds like abandonment, I know. But these are the things that keep me sane, and keep me from jumping off the bandwagon off a bridge and into a river. These are things I need to do for me.
Because after all, if I dont look out for me, myself and I, who else would?
As a result, I am quite 'edited' when it comes to friends. I have very few close friends, a handful (maybe one handful) of friends that know my deepest darkest secrets and fears, and a lot of acquantainces. Though in recent years, even this group of people have slowly been edited down.
I am choosy and particular, as I believe I have the right to be when it comes to people.
So when people let you down, I believe I have the right to unleash my own way.
A colleague of mine (recently an acquantaince. You can refer to her as the frenemy/ bitch) decided to come into my office room and accuse me, in front of my other colleagues, of stabbing her in the back. What exactly did she accuse me of doing and in what circumstance does not matter. Needless to say it was a petty fight, very high school drama queen. And yes, I could have dealt with it better. (I was taken off guard and started raising my voice)
Post fight, I stop caring about her. Seriously, she could get run over by a bus for all I care (yes, this is my second bitchy/ asshole colleague, not the same as the first one). Because at the end of the day, what you accused me of doing and how you dealt with it was truly a betrayal of trust.
And I dont deal well with that kinda shit.
Post-mortem evaluation, I realize that I really couldnt care less about her existance in my life. There were no added benefits. Think about it, she tries to get attention from men (including MY Boyfriend), she asks me to lie and cover up for her when she leaves the office early or without informing our boss, she cheats on her previous boyfriend and tells her parents that she's staying over at my place (when she was secretly staying over at her new bf's place... without even telling me that she was using me as an alibi for her parents until much later).
Now what have I gained from her.... hmmm... hmmm....
nothing
So, pretty simple decision. I'll just cut her off from my life.
The bitch inside me wants to venge out, the bitch inside me wants to go out and destroy her life. The bitch inside me remembers what its like to walk over someone, to get what I want. To not care about other people.
The bitch is still inside me.
But I dont. As much as I do actually want to, I wont. Because repercussions are dear, so even when she decides to insult me for being heartless and for not being compassionate, I decide to not show her how TRULY heartless I can be. I decide to sit around and take the abuse.
Perhaps this is the new me now.
I will not change. Inside my soul is an ice queen, inside my soul is a bitch. I am not clean and pure, I am not white and repentive. This is me. This is who I am. Should I edit myself to show you a fake side of me? a side that can just brush it off like dewdrops on a leaf? what for? whose life lie shall I live?
Inside, my soul is not clean and clear and great and fine. Inside, I am torn and damaged, cynical and gray. This is how I survive. This is how I live.
If you dont like it. Walk away
Now, when you betray me I can still control it. I can still say to myself, No, dont go out and do something bad. No, dont go out and do something wrong.
But try it again and I cannot promise you that I will remain big enough. Try it again...
and dont blame me when I fucking come around to blow your house of cards down
I believe in fate. I really do. I believe that sometimes you do the best that you can do, and then it depends on something else. It depends on your luck or whether the wind blows in your favor or the alignment of the stars. It depends on something else.
Ive wanted to start over for a while now. The first thing I wanted to do was switch jobs. It all hinged on that. My money, my travels, my clothes, my shoes. It all depended on having this job. Though the past few months have been relatively easy for me (Perhaps the best project Ive had in the history of working at The Company) I know its not meant to last. That sooner or later, I will return to my time consuming job. No time to breathe. No time to walk.
It is hard to extricate yourself from a comfortable position. From a position that you're 'used to'. And Ive gotten 'used to' to a lot of things.
So I wished, to start over again. First things first, I had to deal with The Boyfriend leaving. Put everything on hold, until that dust storm finally settled. Then I got myself a personal trainer, because I want my body back damnit. The BFF once asked me, what happened to my six pack that I had in a picture with Mr. Librarian. I looked at it and remembered, and felt sad, that I had actually lost that. Yes superficial I know, but it makes me feel better, let it go.
Tried to sign up for a 10km night run. To at least set a goal that I can achieve. Sadly that got shot since the registration was closed.
Travel. I thought about starting that over too. I thought seeing where The Boyfriend is right now, would be nice. But I wasnt invited and have never been invited... unless you count me inviting myself over and The Boyfriend saying 'ok'. I thought I would travel with my girlfriends, but the Wolf is preparing for a big move and isnt going to be travelling much till end of the year or early next year. And my Woman (I would need to get a nickname for her) is too busy travelling around the world and helping develop microfinancing policies or grants or something to travel with me.
So I booked a ticket to venture East, all by myself. For the first time in my life. Perhaps I will have adventures aplenty. Or meet new travellers to share my stories with. Or just sip coffee and live day by day like The Writer does. The thrill of the unknown. The thrill of reinvention.
So the body was covered, and so was my itchy feet.
The last leg of this metamorphosis was actually going forth and finding a new job. So I did it. Took the plunge. Woman (shall I call her Miss Big Heart? or Miss Always There since she is actually Always There for me (unless she is travelling... that bitch) helped me out with the CV and cover letter and helped me send it off. And it went off! Two CV's, two cover letters, off into cyberspace.
This is where all my efforts end. This is where fate begins.
I promised myself though, if I make it. And if I take it. And if I have to move somewhere, and The Boyfriend makes no effort to arrange to see me, or move with me, or travel, or sit down to try and find a solution or to fight for me. Then I start over. I start all over again.
This is where fate decides
Ive wanted to start over for a while now. The first thing I wanted to do was switch jobs. It all hinged on that. My money, my travels, my clothes, my shoes. It all depended on having this job. Though the past few months have been relatively easy for me (Perhaps the best project Ive had in the history of working at The Company) I know its not meant to last. That sooner or later, I will return to my time consuming job. No time to breathe. No time to walk.
It is hard to extricate yourself from a comfortable position. From a position that you're 'used to'. And Ive gotten 'used to' to a lot of things.
So I wished, to start over again. First things first, I had to deal with The Boyfriend leaving. Put everything on hold, until that dust storm finally settled. Then I got myself a personal trainer, because I want my body back damnit. The BFF once asked me, what happened to my six pack that I had in a picture with Mr. Librarian. I looked at it and remembered, and felt sad, that I had actually lost that. Yes superficial I know, but it makes me feel better, let it go.
Tried to sign up for a 10km night run. To at least set a goal that I can achieve. Sadly that got shot since the registration was closed.
Travel. I thought about starting that over too. I thought seeing where The Boyfriend is right now, would be nice. But I wasnt invited and have never been invited... unless you count me inviting myself over and The Boyfriend saying 'ok'. I thought I would travel with my girlfriends, but the Wolf is preparing for a big move and isnt going to be travelling much till end of the year or early next year. And my Woman (I would need to get a nickname for her) is too busy travelling around the world and helping develop microfinancing policies or grants or something to travel with me.
So I booked a ticket to venture East, all by myself. For the first time in my life. Perhaps I will have adventures aplenty. Or meet new travellers to share my stories with. Or just sip coffee and live day by day like The Writer does. The thrill of the unknown. The thrill of reinvention.
So the body was covered, and so was my itchy feet.
The last leg of this metamorphosis was actually going forth and finding a new job. So I did it. Took the plunge. Woman (shall I call her Miss Big Heart? or Miss Always There since she is actually Always There for me (unless she is travelling... that bitch) helped me out with the CV and cover letter and helped me send it off. And it went off! Two CV's, two cover letters, off into cyberspace.
This is where all my efforts end. This is where fate begins.
I promised myself though, if I make it. And if I take it. And if I have to move somewhere, and The Boyfriend makes no effort to arrange to see me, or move with me, or travel, or sit down to try and find a solution or to fight for me. Then I start over. I start all over again.
This is where fate decides
You know whats difficult? Fielding questions from people when you ask yourself the same questions, when you yourself dont have the answer
Q : So, where is The Boyfriend?
Me : Oh, he left already. Last Friday.
Q: How are things there?
Me : He's good, settled down already
Q : What is he doing again
Me : (goes into long description of what new job The Boyfriend is doing)
Q : When is he coming back
Me : Six months
Q : When are u going over for a visit?
Me : I dont know, I guess at some point, maybe when he's settled down or something
Q : When is he coming back for a visit?
Me : I have no idea
Q : When are you guys going to see each other next?
Me : I dont know
Q : He's leaving the firm isnt he?
Me : No, just a six months leave of absence
Q : So whats going to happen to the both of you?
Me : I dont know, just like now?
Q : Havent you guys talked about things?
Me : No... he's only gone for six months
Q : But, you should talk about things right? Like what's this going to mean for the both of you? He's going to bring you over there at some point right? You guys have talked about getting married right?
Me : hahah, dont know, why dont you ask him?
Q : You know I cant ask him this question
Q : You guys dont talk about getting married?
Me : hahahaha were so young. There's still time. After all, men... they dont think about these things, and probably wont until much later. He's not in that age group yet
Q : You guys should seriously talk about things, where things are going to go
Q : Why didnt you leave and go with him?
Me : I wasnt invited
(Yes, I am quoting you an almost verbatim conversation someone had with me. Not the only one Ive had to field)
Another conversation that I had
Q : How is he doing
Me : Good I guess
Q : What's he been doing
Me : I dont really know what he's been up to. I havent spoken to him in a while
(silent stare of ' I cant believe you dont talk to each other every day')
Conversations that I will have from now on
Q : How's The Boyfriend doing
Me : Good
Q : What has he been up to?
Me : Stuff, I guess
Q : So, are you going to go over and visit him? / when is he coming back? / are you guys talking about getting married / did you guys talk about where your relationship is going / are you guys getting serious? / are you going to move there with him?
Me : For more answers please field all questions to "theboyfriend@email.com
Thank you.
What do you think? does that sound too cold?
Q : So, where is The Boyfriend?
Me : Oh, he left already. Last Friday.
Q: How are things there?
Me : He's good, settled down already
Q : What is he doing again
Me : (goes into long description of what new job The Boyfriend is doing)
Q : When is he coming back
Me : Six months
Q : When are u going over for a visit?
Me : I dont know, I guess at some point, maybe when he's settled down or something
Q : When is he coming back for a visit?
Me : I have no idea
Q : When are you guys going to see each other next?
Me : I dont know
Q : He's leaving the firm isnt he?
Me : No, just a six months leave of absence
Q : So whats going to happen to the both of you?
Me : I dont know, just like now?
Q : Havent you guys talked about things?
Me : No... he's only gone for six months
Q : But, you should talk about things right? Like what's this going to mean for the both of you? He's going to bring you over there at some point right? You guys have talked about getting married right?
Me : hahah, dont know, why dont you ask him?
Q : You know I cant ask him this question
Q : You guys dont talk about getting married?
Me : hahahaha were so young. There's still time. After all, men... they dont think about these things, and probably wont until much later. He's not in that age group yet
Q : You guys should seriously talk about things, where things are going to go
Q : Why didnt you leave and go with him?
Me : I wasnt invited
(Yes, I am quoting you an almost verbatim conversation someone had with me. Not the only one Ive had to field)
Another conversation that I had
Q : How is he doing
Me : Good I guess
Q : What's he been doing
Me : I dont really know what he's been up to. I havent spoken to him in a while
(silent stare of ' I cant believe you dont talk to each other every day')
Conversations that I will have from now on
Q : How's The Boyfriend doing
Me : Good
Q : What has he been up to?
Me : Stuff, I guess
Q : So, are you going to go over and visit him? / when is he coming back? / are you guys talking about getting married / did you guys talk about where your relationship is going / are you guys getting serious? / are you going to move there with him?
Me : For more answers please field all questions to "theboyfriend@email.com
Thank you.
What do you think? does that sound too cold?
How do you cage a bird without breaking its soul
The Boyfriend left. Flew far and away to try out a different life in a different city in a different country. We never talked about it, but I know, part of this different life that he needs involves a different me, or a life without me, temporarily.
Isnt it funny sometimes, that you would need space from the one you want to be with? Isnt it funny sometimes how you need to get away to somewhere else just to redefine who you are? to find yourself again? that you would rather not plan to see the other person again. Maybe not when? maybe not if?
Who am I? What have I become?
I am the incessant breath at his neck. The shadow lurking behind him. I am his ball and chain.
So it is time for him to leave, and with it, no ideas of when we will see each other next. "Sometime" he says. "Sometime" I whisper.
No tears this time. No sadness at his departure. Perhaps it was a long time coming, seeing, knowing that he needs to get away from me yet again. The difference this time though, I shall no longer chase, I shall no longer want. He will turn around and see that I am not running behind him, tugging at his shirtsleeves.
He can run, and soar and be the great big bird with its wings flapping free. I am no longer his chain, his link. I am no longer his shadow lurking in the dark.
I no longer wait, and hope, and see. I am letting life be. If he wants me, he knows where to find me.
"It is written"
Let the phoenix rise. Let it fly. Let it breathe the fresh air from above. Let my daffodil roots embed itself deep deep deep into the ground so that I may not soar after him. Fly after him. Chase after him.
How do you cage a bird without breaking its soul?
By becoming its sky...
Week 4 of the new year. Officially, January is over, and my resolution to holding on to my shopping spending, a great success. In January I bought one item and one item only that wouldve made it to the 'shopping' list. A ring. One. Just a funky crystal ring. And that was pretty much it.
So why am I still broke? Well maybe broke is too strong a word, but why am I still not able to enjoy my money? Well in January I spent ...
Gyne trip : USD 110
Changing prescription of glasses : USD 250
Car cleaning : USD 75
Hair : USD 100
Pedicure & massage package for the year : USD 150
Waxing package for the year : USD 170
sigh...
*** Update
That USD 75 car wash? yeaps, I walked out this morning and a bird had pooped on it. Karma's a bitch
So why am I still broke? Well maybe broke is too strong a word, but why am I still not able to enjoy my money? Well in January I spent ...
Gyne trip : USD 110
Changing prescription of glasses : USD 250
Car cleaning : USD 75
Hair : USD 100
Pedicure & massage package for the year : USD 150
Waxing package for the year : USD 170
sigh...
*** Update
That USD 75 car wash? yeaps, I walked out this morning and a bird had pooped on it. Karma's a bitch
Memories. Hundreds, thousands, millions little moments of my life. Little bubbles blowing up as I walk around the four corners of an old house. The staircase banister my brother and I used to slide down with my mother yelling, worried we might fall. The cold marble floor that my family and I used to sleep on. Flattening every inch of our body against the cold when the electricity failed. The bed I used to cry myself to sleep to every night when I mended a broken heart. My table, now gone, where I used to spend hours sitting, reading, studying. The beds, shared between my sister and I. The little magical world underneath that I used to hide in when my sister and brother thought it would be fun to bully me. The head of my parents bed, where we all used to sleep together. Where my brother and I spent late nights playing monopoly. Where my mother used to hold us close and tell us bedtime stories. Where I once jumped up and down and twirled around and insisted that I wanted to be a ballerina. Insisted so bad my parents gave in and sent me to classes.
Memories. Pockets of them. So small as I packed them all away. Little by little. Pieces by pieces. Bags and bags of trash. Bags and bags of things to give away. Do we still need them now? these clothes from the 80's? My baby bottle? the coupons my mother used to cut to buy diapers with? Do we need them now? pictures of my father, young and handsome. Laughing as though he was about to conquer the world? My grandmothers organizer. The remnants of her that my mother clings on to? as though knowing what she had planned one early September morning will keep her alive?
So we pack them all away. We clean. We purge. In between it all, we hold remnants of the memories we have all had tucked away. The tears, the laughter, the broken hearts and the broken arm. Twenty years on, we are finally putting our ashes to rest.
Memories. Pockets of them. So small as I packed them all away. Little by little. Pieces by pieces. Bags and bags of trash. Bags and bags of things to give away. Do we still need them now? these clothes from the 80's? My baby bottle? the coupons my mother used to cut to buy diapers with? Do we need them now? pictures of my father, young and handsome. Laughing as though he was about to conquer the world? My grandmothers organizer. The remnants of her that my mother clings on to? as though knowing what she had planned one early September morning will keep her alive?
So we pack them all away. We clean. We purge. In between it all, we hold remnants of the memories we have all had tucked away. The tears, the laughter, the broken hearts and the broken arm. Twenty years on, we are finally putting our ashes to rest.
Sigh... Ive been househunting for so long now. I still have no place to call my own
Sometimes I can be superstitious. An old one that we know about is that when a person dreams about a snake, it generally means somebody is about to propose to you.
Last night I dreamt I was in a car with The Boyfriend. I dreamt a kitten was running around our legs. And then a snake. A baby cobra with gray scales and pink rings around it. Slithering between our legs and bags and on top of our bags. Remarkably close to the kitten
I remember worrying that the snake was going to bite The Boyfriend. And I tried to get him out of the car. The snake having slithered near the kitten, came out as well.
And then I bashed it and killed it with my high heels.
Each time I smacked its head it returned with a hiss, until it eventually died.
So...
Am I trying to kill the idea of marriage here?
Last night I dreamt I was in a car with The Boyfriend. I dreamt a kitten was running around our legs. And then a snake. A baby cobra with gray scales and pink rings around it. Slithering between our legs and bags and on top of our bags. Remarkably close to the kitten
I remember worrying that the snake was going to bite The Boyfriend. And I tried to get him out of the car. The snake having slithered near the kitten, came out as well.
And then I bashed it and killed it with my high heels.
Each time I smacked its head it returned with a hiss, until it eventually died.
So...
Am I trying to kill the idea of marriage here?
1) Kindle
2) Miu Miu wallet
3) Tods flats
4) House
HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE
Im still trying to not spend money.
Week 3 of no shopping... withdrawal symptoms showing....
*and luckily The Boyfriend won a Kindle, and is giving it to me!!
2) Miu Miu wallet
3) Tods flats
4) House
HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE
Im still trying to not spend money.
Week 3 of no shopping... withdrawal symptoms showing....
*and luckily The Boyfriend won a Kindle, and is giving it to me!!
Its not goodbye is it now? Or I most certainly hope not.
I miss you already
How do I tell you,
Thank you.
A glimpse of a shadow out of the corner of my eye,
You stray in and out of my life,
Especially most needed.
How do I tell you,
Thank you.
Loyalty has no meaning between us,
Friendship means nothing between us
We have known each other what five? six? years now?
Our messages ebbing between hurt and pain
sunshine and darkness
daffodils and thorns
and sunflowers
But it is always love
That we speak off,
You and me,
Sometimes I wonder if you are the only person who really knows me
The only person who really 'gets' me
You understand
My twistedness
After all,
You were there with me through it all
Through my finding my self
Through my grasping my identity
Through tears, and laughter, soul searching and love searching
Through gothic times, and rebel times, and sunshiny times
So, I guess, I dont say thank you
Because thanks isnt really what we would expect of each other
What we wish for is love, and happiness, and joy
For one another
Youve wished it so many times for me
Enough self obsession
Enough self delusion
How are you Muse?
I love the reminder of your soul
Thank you.
A glimpse of a shadow out of the corner of my eye,
You stray in and out of my life,
Especially most needed.
How do I tell you,
Thank you.
Loyalty has no meaning between us,
Friendship means nothing between us
We have known each other what five? six? years now?
Our messages ebbing between hurt and pain
sunshine and darkness
daffodils and thorns
and sunflowers
But it is always love
That we speak off,
You and me,
Sometimes I wonder if you are the only person who really knows me
The only person who really 'gets' me
You understand
My twistedness
After all,
You were there with me through it all
Through my finding my self
Through my grasping my identity
Through tears, and laughter, soul searching and love searching
Through gothic times, and rebel times, and sunshiny times
So, I guess, I dont say thank you
Because thanks isnt really what we would expect of each other
What we wish for is love, and happiness, and joy
For one another
Youve wished it so many times for me
Enough self obsession
Enough self delusion
How are you Muse?
I love the reminder of your soul
Its funny sometimes, how we only hurt the people we love. There is a sense of decency somehow amongst the public, that stops us from going that one step lower to trade snide comments and insults. From hurling the absolute (and most painful) truth at someone.
But with our loved ones, we tend to drop our guard more. By sharing our life and our love with them, we supply them with the ammunition to hurt us. By telling them our secrets, our deepest darkest fears, our hopes and our dreams no matter how silly it may seem; we supply them the knife that will inevitably someday cut us.
I witness it a lot, especially since my day to day interaction involves a lot of interaction with couples. Even though I am there, or perhaps because I am there, couples bring out the barbed wire, the fences, and wring it around their partners neck as though it was a joke. And perhaps they really think about it that way, especially when there is an audience nearby.
But why do we do it? air our punishments in public. If there is a trait about her that you dont really like, why should you announce to the world your partners downsides. If he comments on another girl, why must you make snide comments about his past cheating ways.
Why punish in public? or why punish at all?
Its scary, that we do this to ourselves. All of us. After all, we are only human. And in time of anger, and hurt, the only thing you want to do is hurt them back. Try to make them suffer as much as you did. So you do it, pull out everything from the 'deep dark trusting closet' in which they had deposited all parts of their soul with you. You take it all out, and you hurl it at them.
That childhood dream that youve always longed to achieve - Idiot and childish idea
That job that you want to get - You'll never make it or survive there
That dress that you like - makes you look like an elephant/ whore
It makes me wonder sometimes. Why should relationships inevitably fall this way? Ive always thought you would love each other more as days go by. That the quirks becomes the only quirk that you can count on being there.
One day when your partner dies, you may only recount these moments. These lapses in time but a big black burning hole in your partners soul when you had hurled an abuse, an insult, a comment that brings them down. And you would probably wonder, why didnt you treat them better. That you did indeed love that funny thing she did when she slept.
Why cant lovers just treat each other well.
But with our loved ones, we tend to drop our guard more. By sharing our life and our love with them, we supply them with the ammunition to hurt us. By telling them our secrets, our deepest darkest fears, our hopes and our dreams no matter how silly it may seem; we supply them the knife that will inevitably someday cut us.
I witness it a lot, especially since my day to day interaction involves a lot of interaction with couples. Even though I am there, or perhaps because I am there, couples bring out the barbed wire, the fences, and wring it around their partners neck as though it was a joke. And perhaps they really think about it that way, especially when there is an audience nearby.
But why do we do it? air our punishments in public. If there is a trait about her that you dont really like, why should you announce to the world your partners downsides. If he comments on another girl, why must you make snide comments about his past cheating ways.
Why punish in public? or why punish at all?
Its scary, that we do this to ourselves. All of us. After all, we are only human. And in time of anger, and hurt, the only thing you want to do is hurt them back. Try to make them suffer as much as you did. So you do it, pull out everything from the 'deep dark trusting closet' in which they had deposited all parts of their soul with you. You take it all out, and you hurl it at them.
That childhood dream that youve always longed to achieve - Idiot and childish idea
That job that you want to get - You'll never make it or survive there
That dress that you like - makes you look like an elephant/ whore
It makes me wonder sometimes. Why should relationships inevitably fall this way? Ive always thought you would love each other more as days go by. That the quirks becomes the only quirk that you can count on being there.
One day when your partner dies, you may only recount these moments. These lapses in time but a big black burning hole in your partners soul when you had hurled an abuse, an insult, a comment that brings them down. And you would probably wonder, why didnt you treat them better. That you did indeed love that funny thing she did when she slept.
Why cant lovers just treat each other well.
Is it possible to visit your Boyfriends family without the expectation of getting married?
Apparently, according to all social conventions, No.
I am tired of having to deal with all these conversations where everyone asks me how my trip to see my 'In-laws' went. I am tired of the little winks and giggles of when am I going to be married. Tired of smiling and pretending to not matter.
wtf dude, its none of your business.
Thing is, The Boyfriend and I talked about it before. I told him that the "Asian" in me feels that after dating for two years, it is common courtesy to see the family once in a while. You know, just drop by and be like "oh hey, yeah Im the person she spends a lot of time with". It has nothing to do with wanting to get married, or wanting children, or anything like that. Its more as a sign of respect to your parents, of not going behind their back.
So for me, going to spend time with his family was simply that. I would like to get to know his family better, to understand better the reasons and what has contributed to shaping my man into who he is today. I liked going back and seeing where he grew up, of seeing him in his own environment, in his own element to truly get to know who he is. For example, now I actually understand why he would be crazy enough to go to the snow covered mountains in the middle of winter (its called skiing)
Do I think about marriage? Yeah, sure I do. But do I see him inviting me over to spend the holidays with him as an indication that he wants to marry me? No I dont. Weve had talks about reasons to go down for a vacation, and indication of marriage was clearly not one of them. Testing the waters with his parents were clearly not one of them either.
So do me a favor. Next time you see me, feel free to ask me how my vacation went, did I have fun, was it cold, what did I do. But stop trying to make little jokes about in-laws or getting married or setting up shop or family or anything like that. Its a little annoying to be honest. Because when I do plan on getting married, dont worry, Im pretty sure Ill announce it to the world.
And the part that irks me as well, The Boyfriend never has anyone up in his grill all about it. Whats up with that? Am I the less scary person so people feel like they can say those things to me?
Apparently, according to all social conventions, No.
I am tired of having to deal with all these conversations where everyone asks me how my trip to see my 'In-laws' went. I am tired of the little winks and giggles of when am I going to be married. Tired of smiling and pretending to not matter.
wtf dude, its none of your business.
Thing is, The Boyfriend and I talked about it before. I told him that the "Asian" in me feels that after dating for two years, it is common courtesy to see the family once in a while. You know, just drop by and be like "oh hey, yeah Im the person she spends a lot of time with". It has nothing to do with wanting to get married, or wanting children, or anything like that. Its more as a sign of respect to your parents, of not going behind their back.
So for me, going to spend time with his family was simply that. I would like to get to know his family better, to understand better the reasons and what has contributed to shaping my man into who he is today. I liked going back and seeing where he grew up, of seeing him in his own environment, in his own element to truly get to know who he is. For example, now I actually understand why he would be crazy enough to go to the snow covered mountains in the middle of winter (its called skiing)
Do I think about marriage? Yeah, sure I do. But do I see him inviting me over to spend the holidays with him as an indication that he wants to marry me? No I dont. Weve had talks about reasons to go down for a vacation, and indication of marriage was clearly not one of them. Testing the waters with his parents were clearly not one of them either.
So do me a favor. Next time you see me, feel free to ask me how my vacation went, did I have fun, was it cold, what did I do. But stop trying to make little jokes about in-laws or getting married or setting up shop or family or anything like that. Its a little annoying to be honest. Because when I do plan on getting married, dont worry, Im pretty sure Ill announce it to the world.
And the part that irks me as well, The Boyfriend never has anyone up in his grill all about it. Whats up with that? Am I the less scary person so people feel like they can say those things to me?
