I think there might be a few things you should know about me.
1) I dont get mad very easily
2) When I get mad I will fucking try to kill you
The thing is, after my historical teenage years, my not really meeting expectations college, suicidal thoughts, family history... after all these things, I tend to not sweat the small stuff. Or at least try to not sweat the small stuff.
If you see me disappearing for a while, its partly because my therapist had adviced me to try and avoid being in situations that stress me out but that I have no control over. Things like my friends problems, other peoples depression. Sounds bad, I know, sounds like abandonment, I know. But these are the things that keep me sane, and keep me from jumping off the bandwagon off a bridge and into a river. These are things I need to do for me.
Because after all, if I dont look out for me, myself and I, who else would?
As a result, I am quite 'edited' when it comes to friends. I have very few close friends, a handful (maybe one handful) of friends that know my deepest darkest secrets and fears, and a lot of acquantainces. Though in recent years, even this group of people have slowly been edited down.
I am choosy and particular, as I believe I have the right to be when it comes to people.
So when people let you down, I believe I have the right to unleash my own way.
A colleague of mine (recently an acquantaince. You can refer to her as the frenemy/ bitch) decided to come into my office room and accuse me, in front of my other colleagues, of stabbing her in the back. What exactly did she accuse me of doing and in what circumstance does not matter. Needless to say it was a petty fight, very high school drama queen. And yes, I could have dealt with it better. (I was taken off guard and started raising my voice)
Post fight, I stop caring about her. Seriously, she could get run over by a bus for all I care (yes, this is my second bitchy/ asshole colleague, not the same as the first one). Because at the end of the day, what you accused me of doing and how you dealt with it was truly a betrayal of trust.
And I dont deal well with that kinda shit.
Post-mortem evaluation, I realize that I really couldnt care less about her existance in my life. There were no added benefits. Think about it, she tries to get attention from men (including MY Boyfriend), she asks me to lie and cover up for her when she leaves the office early or without informing our boss, she cheats on her previous boyfriend and tells her parents that she's staying over at my place (when she was secretly staying over at her new bf's place... without even telling me that she was using me as an alibi for her parents until much later).
Now what have I gained from her.... hmmm... hmmm....
nothing
So, pretty simple decision. I'll just cut her off from my life.
The bitch inside me wants to venge out, the bitch inside me wants to go out and destroy her life. The bitch inside me remembers what its like to walk over someone, to get what I want. To not care about other people.
The bitch is still inside me.
But I dont. As much as I do actually want to, I wont. Because repercussions are dear, so even when she decides to insult me for being heartless and for not being compassionate, I decide to not show her how TRULY heartless I can be. I decide to sit around and take the abuse.
Perhaps this is the new me now.
I will not change. Inside my soul is an ice queen, inside my soul is a bitch. I am not clean and pure, I am not white and repentive. This is me. This is who I am. Should I edit myself to show you a fake side of me? a side that can just brush it off like dewdrops on a leaf? what for? whose life lie shall I live?
Inside, my soul is not clean and clear and great and fine. Inside, I am torn and damaged, cynical and gray. This is how I survive. This is how I live.
If you dont like it. Walk away
Now, when you betray me I can still control it. I can still say to myself, No, dont go out and do something bad. No, dont go out and do something wrong.
But try it again and I cannot promise you that I will remain big enough. Try it again...
and dont blame me when I fucking come around to blow your house of cards down
1) I dont get mad very easily
2) When I get mad I will fucking try to kill you
The thing is, after my historical teenage years, my not really meeting expectations college, suicidal thoughts, family history... after all these things, I tend to not sweat the small stuff. Or at least try to not sweat the small stuff.
If you see me disappearing for a while, its partly because my therapist had adviced me to try and avoid being in situations that stress me out but that I have no control over. Things like my friends problems, other peoples depression. Sounds bad, I know, sounds like abandonment, I know. But these are the things that keep me sane, and keep me from jumping off the bandwagon off a bridge and into a river. These are things I need to do for me.
Because after all, if I dont look out for me, myself and I, who else would?
As a result, I am quite 'edited' when it comes to friends. I have very few close friends, a handful (maybe one handful) of friends that know my deepest darkest secrets and fears, and a lot of acquantainces. Though in recent years, even this group of people have slowly been edited down.
I am choosy and particular, as I believe I have the right to be when it comes to people.
So when people let you down, I believe I have the right to unleash my own way.
A colleague of mine (recently an acquantaince. You can refer to her as the frenemy/ bitch) decided to come into my office room and accuse me, in front of my other colleagues, of stabbing her in the back. What exactly did she accuse me of doing and in what circumstance does not matter. Needless to say it was a petty fight, very high school drama queen. And yes, I could have dealt with it better. (I was taken off guard and started raising my voice)
Post fight, I stop caring about her. Seriously, she could get run over by a bus for all I care (yes, this is my second bitchy/ asshole colleague, not the same as the first one). Because at the end of the day, what you accused me of doing and how you dealt with it was truly a betrayal of trust.
And I dont deal well with that kinda shit.
Post-mortem evaluation, I realize that I really couldnt care less about her existance in my life. There were no added benefits. Think about it, she tries to get attention from men (including MY Boyfriend), she asks me to lie and cover up for her when she leaves the office early or without informing our boss, she cheats on her previous boyfriend and tells her parents that she's staying over at my place (when she was secretly staying over at her new bf's place... without even telling me that she was using me as an alibi for her parents until much later).
Now what have I gained from her.... hmmm... hmmm....
nothing
So, pretty simple decision. I'll just cut her off from my life.
The bitch inside me wants to venge out, the bitch inside me wants to go out and destroy her life. The bitch inside me remembers what its like to walk over someone, to get what I want. To not care about other people.
The bitch is still inside me.
But I dont. As much as I do actually want to, I wont. Because repercussions are dear, so even when she decides to insult me for being heartless and for not being compassionate, I decide to not show her how TRULY heartless I can be. I decide to sit around and take the abuse.
Perhaps this is the new me now.
I will not change. Inside my soul is an ice queen, inside my soul is a bitch. I am not clean and pure, I am not white and repentive. This is me. This is who I am. Should I edit myself to show you a fake side of me? a side that can just brush it off like dewdrops on a leaf? what for? whose life lie shall I live?
Inside, my soul is not clean and clear and great and fine. Inside, I am torn and damaged, cynical and gray. This is how I survive. This is how I live.
If you dont like it. Walk away
Now, when you betray me I can still control it. I can still say to myself, No, dont go out and do something bad. No, dont go out and do something wrong.
But try it again and I cannot promise you that I will remain big enough. Try it again...
and dont blame me when I fucking come around to blow your house of cards down
love.
as you grow older, you will come to find that things like these tend to happen a lot.
we human are funny creatures.
we do all sort of things.
and we have to deal with all sort of things.
what makes us different are the values that we hold.
it is totally fine, love
to get mad.
and to get even.
we are no angels.
love.
settling the score
is only secondary.
it is the seething fire underneath.
one that burns ever slowly.
ever quietly.
turning blissful white into gray. smoke that suffocates over time.
bitch that resides over poisonous fumes.
love.
find strength in the comfort of arms that care for you.
purity lies simply in that.
be at peace, love.
it is worth living for.
i'd like to reconstruct my comments.
quoting you;
1. 'Because after all, if I dont look out for me, myself and I, who else would?'
2. 'Inside, my soul is not clean and clear and great and fine. Inside, I am torn and damaged, cynical and gray. This is how I survive. This is how I live.
If you dont like it. Walk away'
one. what in the world makes you think that nobody would look after you. that you have to fend for yourself for the rest of your life. i dont think that will ever be the case. you are a good person. you attract good people. good people look after each other. that's a universal fact. you have to place your trust on it.
which brings to two. you have a good heart. despite what you said about your soul being torn and damaged. the ice queen and what not. forgive me but there are some who still find you beautiful. and i do not mean one that decays with age.
you as a being. with all the list you mentioned above. there is something about you that worth not walking away from. i am sure you think you're pretty scary but not all storms are destructive. some left rainbows in it's trail. others, life perhaps.
must you be so fearful of yourself?
when others find you worth caring for.
again. my apology. this comment is 8 years too late.
by all means, please ignore it if it is no longer relevant to you in any way.
take care.