I was walking down the street with him, in the middle of the night bathed by moonbeams; holding hands

He told me things.. things to think off, things to ponder...
Then he casually dropped the giant B word

yeaps. That boyfriend word.

I was stunned. Surprised, given the context of the conversation. Thought about it, thought about things we had said to each other. Then I decided.

Im heading off the market.
He offered me shackles... laced with promises of love and hope.
He offered me a forever the way he defined it.

And Im taking it.

So, I bid adieu, amidst some tearful goodbyes, to the past that I no longer have, a welcome hug to the straight line curve of the future. No deviations.

And of course, I had to actually inform the many men.

Prodigy II was surprised, mentioned jokingly how there's no one left in the country who would randomly meet with him.

The Friend thought he would be able to make up for lost time with me when he got back this time.

The Sculptor pretty much said goodbye and stopped contacting me for any more art shows.

Interesting this, the lives we live. The people we choose to be with.

He told me, how deep the water may be, to not jump in too fast. To enjoy, go slow.

Breathe.

So Im holding his hand. Binding myself to him and only him. For now.
And were going to breathe. And take it only one day at a time. No rush for the future... it can wait

So can the men

I remember a time so long ago, when two girls walked out of school together, scarfed down lunch together. Talked together, didnt talk together. Held hands and walked in a mall together.

I remember conversations and hurt and anger and smiles and laughter. I remember sharing secrets and hopes and dreams. But most of all I remember sharing nothing at all.

I remember the heartfelt bloodline we had between us.

"If you had to choose, between me and a boy, I would say you should choose the boy... because you will always have me"

Perhaps I am not so able to do that.

I do not remember asking you of much, not at all.
But I asked you in that moment, I asked you... I asked you to not do it. For my sake, not do it.

But you did. And in between my pendulous swing of being ok with it or not, you said to me. "I dont know if youre ok with it, but if you feel this way, then maybe it would be better if I didnt"

I thought then that our friendship meant more than any man. Just like it has for so long. Just as it had.

But you did. And you jumped and you landed in open arms.

Can you understand my hurt? Can you understand my betrayal?

If you are happy, then I am happy for you. But I cannot be happy with you.

I dont want to talk about him, or about you and him. I dont want to know

And I dont understand why you think I need to know. Why you need to rub the salt of a broken promise into the wound of a hurt friendship.

I will always love you. The child in me will never let go of your hands. The girl in me will never forget our time together.

I will always love you, but I cannot always be here for you. And I think its unfair that you want me to. That you insist this is something I need to know.

I do not tell you everything. And thats the honest truth, because some things are too hurtful to say. Some things you do not need to know.

You and I, we are ok. But do not try to force this man into the small space between us. Especially not after our pledges and promises.

No man will come between us.

So as a sign of my taking over my life... again.. I went to the doctors. You know, give myself a clean bill of health and all that.

HAHAHAHAHAH
Man.. I think the big guy up there really knows how to tell a joke.

*will not panic, not until final results come in*

Im making myself sick with all this drama.
Im stopping it.

Im stopping it. Now

Hush...

I am in love with you.

I need to fall out of it soon. Before you hurt me.

Your eyes into mine. The way you look at me. Your hand on my face. Your body on mine. Our lips. Our arms. Our warmth.

I never meant to ruin any of it. Any of your images of me. Your hopes for us.
I am never going to be your white sheet. I am never beautiful inside out.

I am scarred... battered and bruised by life. By men. By people who love me and leave. By people I love and loved

I smile, and I talk about them, and I talk to them. I pretend nothings happened between us, because I have to. Because I have to. Forgiveness is not a luxury I have to bestow at my own prerogative.

I have to... to live.

Im sorry. Im sorry that my past clashes with our present. That I cannot give you a fresh start.

I am sorry that I am the knife searing your happiness.

I watch you. See you. Across the table, looking away. All I want is to touch you. All I want is to kiss you. All I want is to love you.

Our past conversations. You telling me you dont know if its serious, if Im jumping the gun, if Im planning on us spending together forever. You saying you dont trust me.

Hurts. Me.

I think of you on the phone, talking to someone else, to a life you left behind, easy love you left behind. Familiar faces, familiar kisses, familiar hugs. You tell me you dont want to hurt her.

You talking to her, not telling her, hurts. Me.

I think of all that and I build it up again. The walls surrounding my heart. Fence the open fields.

You dont have to worry about us spending together forever. I think your answer to that conversation is long over. I will enjoy the luxury that is now.

And I will love you for the seconds we have

Gossip girl is AWESOME
yay for Indonesian connection!

Cuddle Buddy didnt even wait to say goodbye today
Or messaged
or responded to my message

and didnt even ask me out on a date. Opting for instead to sit inside and have dinner.
hhharrrrummmppphhh

*sulks in a corner*

He is looking away as he tells me "I dont know if I can trust you"
Single handedly crushing me without betrayal by my stoic expression.

I guess I shouldnt be trusted. He knows of my past, of the people, of my merciless huntress ways. He knows I couldn't care less about some of the people I bed. About the girls who's relationship Ive destroyed.

He has no reason to trust me whatsoever. Sometimes, I barely trust myself.

I tell him if he wants out to tell me know, so that I can prepare what little is left of my tiny soulless heart and body. But he doesnt have to for me to put the walls back up where he had started crushing down. To fence my feelings. To push him and his small gestures of affections away.

The damage has been done I guess. No way to repent, to recant.

I considered just letting go. Cutting him off. Not worth it. Can you imagine what kind of craziness would happen later on if we actually became serious? I considered saying "you know what, forget it, Im done" If he cant trust me, then what is the point after all?

But I looked at him, and considered what I had at stake. I considered all the sweetness and goodness in the world encompassed in him. I considered the ways he had always treated me, before friendship and even in this gray in between world.

Im not ready to give up without a fight.

He refuses to be my conquest. Does not want to be yet another number, yet another nickname in my life. So we take it slow. Baby steps. One by one. How the tables have turned on me on this one. How I walk tip-toe to not hurt my friend.

I think he is worth the wait. I think he is worth fighting for.
So I tell him that, and that I will wait to see what could happen between us.

We have time to live and learn after all. We have time for space and hugs and kisses. We have time to fall in love if we were meant to.

I would never hurt him. Never on purpose, never as a sport. He is not a physical conquest, but an emotional one. But not over him... its over myself

He walked into my room. Said hello, looking cute in his shirt and tie. Was so tempted to kiss him I had to walk out and get my cup of coffee and breathe.

I cant believe I miss spending time with him
*bashes head against wall*

What is wrong with me?

Buddy just got back from another weekend on the surf. He brought me a gift this time around. A seashell in perfect shape. I was taken aback by the gift. The simplicity of 'I was thinking about you' wrapped in its porcelain skin. The gesture, as he curled up next to me and told me I smelled like sausages (in a bad way, not some weird sausage fetish thing going on there)

We talked about my next weekend plans. He mentioned jokingly (I think) how he thinks he should come along if not I might get hit on by two other male friends.

I dont think we are there yet, but monogamy lurks high on our list. Well I guess he is automatically programmed to be monogamous (I hope). I had to remind myself.

Last night as we danced, Weekend man and a few of my friends, I thought how simple it would be to just dance with weekend man and drop a few hints that I was interested. As he walked me back with me clinging deathly to his arm (heels... dude)I thought how simple it would be for me to invite myself upstairs. How easy it wouldve been all around.

But I didnt. And as I looked around at the full brimming club with its beautiful people, checking out both guys and girls, I thought that I could easily get with someone... except I realized I didnt want to.

I think I caught monogamy from you guys.

Funny thing is, we are still not in the stage where we should be calling ourselves monogamous. Hell, he even sent me a message to tell me he had explicitly clarified our non-relationship status with some shop owners who had been asking about me.

Yeah, I wasnt sure how I felt about that.

Anyways... if Taboo came back right now though... I dont know if I could remain with Buddy. I feel like Taboo could easily take care of me. That I can sit back and relax just a bit, and have him run the show.

Buddy makes me feel like an equal. That we're in it together.

I dont know man. Urgh... Generally I go by my default judgement of who has the cutest butt, but the both win in that dept, then its the who looks best without their shirt on, but they both look so good like that!

Then I guess it boils down to who cares about me more, and Buddy wins hands down.

Then I guess its who do I care about more, and its a close run between the two of them with Buddy in the front.

That perfect seashell. Perfect perfect perfect.

Im still scared to fall for him

The wolf says Im like a pendulum swinging. One instance I talk about hopping on the bike of Buddy's motorcycle and revving off into our white picket fence and the next I roll my eyes and say that whatever it is he might be feeling for me isnt real and cant be real. That I am simply a result of all the boxes he had crossed off.

Why dont I go for it? I dont know. To be honest my wavering feelings for him go from exuberance to sheer falls. And truth be told, I have no idea what he feels for me. Whether he is interested in something more or not. Its something the both of us need to decide on our own.

Like I said, the weekend that started it all came as a surprise to the both of us. I had never expected or planned it, and I doubt he did too. We both kind of just fell into it.

Also, I am terrified, petrified of the thought of going out there and being permanently attached to someone again. Im a serial maneater remember? I serially man eat. I like having the options, and though right now I have no options, I like the option of having an option and I worry that being with someone in something monogamous... can you imagine how boring this blog is going to be without the constant change of men and characters?

The bride (no longer bride to be) told me today, she had a dream two nights ago where Taboo had proposed to me. I had said yes.

And apparently, she said. I was happy.

Thoughts like this keeps me on my toes. Not willing to jump in.

I asked Buddy today, if he wanted to meet up with Silverwolf for drinks.

You dont understand see. None of my men meet my friends. Its a very big thing for me to say, ok I think youre ok enough or permanent enough that I would like my friends to meet you.

So, for me to say to Buddy, I would like for you to meet Silverwolf, its a big deal for me. He wasnt excited. Guess he thought I wanted to spend time with her alone. Had to explain to him how big a privilege he was getting by having me dain to ask him to join us.

Thats me taking a step into the we.

Then he didnt want me to come over later tonight. So in my heart I threw his heart on the ground and stomped on it.

Thats me running five steps back.

See.
How can I even try this out, when Im still being the crazy clingy needy girl everyone hates.

Barriers up.
We'll just see. His interest seems to have cooled down somewhat. What with ceasing to message me randomly and inappropriately, kicking my feet away when I try to rub my leg against his under the table.

I think soon enough he will tire and leave.

Wolf. Youre right. Sometimes, I just keep on sabotaging myself and anything that resembles goodness, since Im so not used to identifying this foreign foreign object.

Im sorry

Im sorry that I want you badly. Beyond anything I can remember.
Im sorry that this thought makes me cry when you hold me close. That this thought aches my heart when u kiss me. That I automatically deflect and push u further and further away from me.

I dont know how this is going to play out you and I. But part of me wants it. Badly. Part of me asks why. Part of me thinks we are lonely and need each other. Part of me thinks you need to get friends apart from me and the group of ours. If not, I worry we wont have separate lives

I have walked down paths of getting together with friends, of things not working out. Of friends choosing sides.
I dont want that with ours.

I want to spend time with you. Ridiculous amounts of time with you. Time to enjoy your skin on mine, your lips on mine. Your hand on my heart. I want to be part of you to be one with you.

Im scared. No shit sherlock.

I think Ive been out of the game for so long, I cant remember what its like to be normal. To date normally.

I want you to want me, furiously. To want to grab me in elevators. To brush my skin when no one is looking.

I do want you to hold my hand when we walk. To look into my eyes.

Date me and I will morph into that crazy psychotic girl who needs all the attention from you. Who needs me to be the biggest part of your life.

Dont worry. It'll pass. Very soon, and then I get bored with you.

And I dont want that.

Dont label me, dont label us. I am scared of labels unless they say Ferragamo.

Haha I made a funny.

Let me be yours and your secret only. Let no one know the way you mess up my hair. The way I always grab you. The way I love kissing your neck.

Whisk me away to the sea and the surf and the sand and the stars and the sky.
Walk with me on the sandy beaches. Hold my hand and kiss me whenever you like.

I will fall for you, madly deeply in love with you. For now and forever.

You can say I love you to me, and I will say it back to you now. Passionately truthfully.

We barely know each other. So I know this is irrational, it is stupid. It is insane.

So I push you away.

But you dont let go. You hold me and dont let me walk away. You look at me and ask me if I will try to shut u out at every point. How do I not fall for you when you hold me and fight for me and deal with my psychotic-ness

I already love you. Part of me. For you being you. The imperfect you.
I just need to love the me you love

My trip down under got cancelled last minute due to unfinished work. So much for work not taking over my life as a new years resolution. I had to tell Weekend Man how sorry I was that I couldnt make it. Perhaps next time.

Instead, my friends and I hopped into a car and went out clubbing. Even better, as we were driving down the main street, we spied an ambassador (someone from a diff office working in our office for a year) walking down the street. (Note: It was ~12 a.m). We yelled out his name and he crossed the street over to us. Amidst people honking as we had stopped in the middle of the road, he jumped in and we kidnapped him over to the clubs. Against his mild protestations of not being properly dressed. We dragged him in, ordered some drinks and partied like rockstars all night.

Not bad for a weekend of non-commital responses.

Went to the unveiling of the series of paintings done by The Painter. One of which I posed for. It was surreal. More than surreal it was pretty damn amazing. I had not expected such a turnout and was in my bloody flip flops! But yes, an amazing experience to say the least. Should thank The Sculptor more for introducing me to The Painter.

So what say you? What other debaucherous acts happened over the weekend?

Cuddle Buddy and I became more than cuddle buddies. The weekend that took us both by surprise over its intensity and its spontaneousity. I guess when fate decides to strike us a card it bops us over the head with it.

Furtive kisses in the dark, light, against the walls, the floor, the table. Horizontal for most of the weekend where we barely left the apartment. Soft fingers tracing over my skin as we talked about our future, our lives, our secrets.

I am too trusting with people who want to get to know me. I must remember to watch my back.

Too convenient. This whole arrangement. I feel like God is mocking me
See how easy this could all be, see how I am dropping the perfect man in front of you now

I am skeptical watching him kiss me. Touching his face in the dark. Is this real? Can this be real? or have we both been starving for someone to love so much that we create these feelings in our hearts and in our heads.

Maybe God is showing me all this, just to take it away. To punish me for all my sins

I want to jump headlong arms outstretched body willing mind able into nothingness. No solidness, no plans. Unknowing which way is up or down. Defying gravity.

It is a new year, I am the same person, old person, new person.

Not only do I want to be more spontaneous this year. I will be.

Weekend trip to the beach with The Friend was just the beginning

Am trying to field another trip to another land tomorrow. But the powers that be have stopped my internet banking access from working overtime hence putting a stop to my transportation plans.

Ah well. I have backup plans a plenty and it involves going to the unveiling (!) of the series of paintings The Painter did. One of which I posed for. (Yay!)

Cuddle Buddy and I are in stages of moving apart for the sake of not falling into each other. This is good. This is very very good. Now I just need to set my target on someone else.

Weekend man seems like a good option... except I know we wouldnt last. Maybe date a little but that would be about it. Then things would just be awkward.

Le sigh

The Wolf is coming back soon! *dances*

Cant wait to see her again and howl at the moon

Have you guys seen this movie? Has Jessica Alba and this other guy I forget (yes, I could google it, but I wont)
Anyways, its about this guy who gets cursed that every girl he sleeps with will meet The One after they sleep with him. Then of course, he falls in love with Jessica Alba, really wants to sleep with her.. yada yada...

Ok. Im starting to know how Charlie feels like (ok fine, I googled it. Actor is Dane Cook)

Im getting this creepy feeling that all the guys who have been with me are getting/ have gotten married!

I could name a few of course, but then you might be able to put the pieces together and figure out who it is.

Though the most recent addition is Numbers! The Numbers who spirited me away to his room while he was in town. Who gave me his room while he spirited away. *sigh* I remember the body on this man, and the soft cloudy kisses.

Anyways, was talking to him online, catching up (we're just friends now) and he tells me....
He's MARRIED!

Not that I got slighted for the wedding or whatever, apparently it was extremely hush hush (I dont even know which relatives went)

Reminds me of N.Boy a few years ago. He was with me, broke up with his gf, then ended things with me so that he could go back to her.

Oh and what did he say?

"She's the one. She's my soulmate"

rrriiiggghhhhttttt .... THATS why you had to cheat on her. I get it.

So I guess if you men want to settle down, hey give me a shout. Apparently I can be quite a good luck charm (as in you would realize I am not the girl of your dreams and the girl you are with is) in ensuring you settle down

He coaxes me slowly, gently, whilst not really coaxing me, into taking a spontaneous trip out. I held off, lingered for days on end, till the weekend came and I decided to jump headlong arms outstreched into the dark blue promise of romancing life.

So I drive, with him beside me. Going faster than I am used to, talking less than we are accustomed to. He does not hold my hand, barely glances at me as we talk about mundane things and mundane life.

We reach the beach. The glorious beach, an hour and a half before we had planned even after our morning breakfast detour. I stare at the ocean and think of Silverwolf. Of her missing the roar of the ocean and the blue blue sky. I think of her whilst I am living in the moment, and appreciate it more whilst she lives he colorful life away in the city of a thousand lights and a million sounds.

We walk the beach together. Him and I. We draw silly signs into the sand with our toes. He holds my hand only to kick my feet out from under me and watch me gasp for air. He runs far away to avoid receiving the same fate though my bony arms are not a match for his bony arms.

We take a nap together. His fingers intertwined in mine. His legs wrapping around me. His face dangerously close to my neck.

He surfs. I tan.

We get drinks later in the night. He matches me one for one. And I am a bit heady as we head out.

We walk on the beach in the middle of the night. He holds my hand as we kick sand up. He hugs me close as we stare up into the sky.

"people say... every ten minutes there's a shooting star. Maybe if we look long enough we'll see one"
"I think it averages out over time. I dont think it will happen in one spot only"

His arms envelope my body. He nuzzles me. I am too drunk to care that we are precariously balanced between friends and non. Or I am simply too tired to care about it.

I hold on to him as we watch two people in front of us hold hands. They walk when we walk and stop when we stop. I stare at him and whisper... "why are they following us" before we realize our shadows had blown out of proportion and stalked us away.

"Aren't we the cutest couple" he mentions casually into the night. I laugh and say something crude and ruin our mood.

We walk back and I curl into bed. His warm body next to me. He curls me in. Breathes me. He hugs me, and closes his eyes. In between slumber and semi-drunken awakeness he whispers to me that he'll be sleeping in the other bed. I say ok and he crawls out.

I sleep fitfully well with a little empty space on my right.

He comes back in the morning. When the sun paraded into our little dinky room. He comes back and his hands slip over my stomach. His fingers languishly drawing over my palm.

He strokes my hair slowly.

How utterly utterly cheesy do u feel? Do I feel?

We wake up. He surfs. I work.

He comes back and we are back to being friends. Sitting on our porch, my legs on his, watching the rain pour down on the sea. I think of how old I have become, how accustomed I had become. To him. To us.

I drive us back, zipping along while he sleeps in the seat next to mine.

He is the wrong man. At the right time. And I have to keep him far before I fall all over myself again.

In the end, I end up missing my Taboo even more...

- Protected Post -

I open the door, sleepy, bleary. The face that greets me is not one I recognized. He had grown out his facial hair, had a smile on his face. Hugged me hello (and he's not one big on hugs)

I stepped in and tried to pull down the shirt I had grabbed from his closet, beyond the round curves of my bottom. Averting his eyes, I skulk back into bed, into my sheets.

He jumps into bed, beside me, and we catch up whilst the city sun spun magic doziness. I crawl closer to him. A warm body, a friend I could trust. I crawl close and pull his arm over my body, wrap myself in his embrace.

We curl up like that, cuddle up like that. Our bodies entertwined. His breath on my neck sending shivers down my spine. He talks about his trip, about his friends, most of all, he does not talk about me, about what we were doing together.

It felt good, to have someone care for you, a man holding you. He whispered in my ear " Do you get a power rush from these men, these taken men of yours?"
"Perhaps... Maybe just a little, yes"
"I wondered about that, about you and the power"

And whilst I tell him perhaps, I am enjoying his attention on me. While he tells me of no girls, I bask in his caresses. When he moves away, I cuddle up to him closer.

Its so wrong to do this to him. He is my friend. Above all, just a friend. I am attracted to him enough that I can do this with him, but not enough to go out and give it a try. Not enough to quite the voices in my head that know whatever we may start will be doomed to end.

And I will be the one ending it.

He is a friend, a good friend. One I wouldnt want to lose. But losing myself in his hugs and his holds. Losing myself when I lean against him and his arm around me, smelling my hair. I lose myself in him.

I was going to write about my trip and all, but something I thought more interesting came up.

Some people ask me, tip toe around me, to ask how is it possible for me to do what I do, and not feel shame, or guilt, or remorse.
How do I sleep with myself every night, after being with other people's boyfriends, lovers, husbands

What do you want me to say? That I cry myself to sleep? That my heart aches every night wishing I was that woman they say they love. That I go to bed guilt ridden and hating myself?

I dont. This is my way of life. Do I think that what Im doing is wrong? I dont. Do I think what Im doing is right? I dont.

I lie in the grey area of being your worst nightmare and your best enemy.

Truth be told, I dont HUNT for taken men. I dont WANT your boyfriends, or lovers or husbands. Thats not what I do. Sometimes, it just so happens, that they are taken when they are also taken by me. Sometimes, I honestly fall for them and find out later on that they have partners.

Sometimes, I too am my own worst enemy.

How do I have sex without the emotional attachment? Years of heartbreak and pain and walls. Years of living on my own and dealing with myself sipritually, emotionally. Identifying me, knowing my boundaries.

Reminding myself, every single time I am with someone, that this is not permanent, that this feeling whatever it is, its not real. Reminding myself that any single guy I am with could easily cheat on me if he was to ever enter a relationship with me. Reminding myself, that the men who are with me are cheating with their partners.

As fucked up as it is, it works. I am distanced from the men, emotionally. The physical lust is always there, the desperate need for a warm body, a man to hold you. The sadness that you do sometimes, need a hug.

Physically I am there, emotionally I am not.

All you have to do is look at me when we are together and you will see it all.

How do I live with myself? Doing the vile things that I do?
Easily, because I dont think its wrong. What stops a man from cheating? What is the source of that? If I wasnt around, would he still cheat? If he wanted to, then yes, if not with me it would be with someone else.

You know that saying dont kill the messenger?
I am simple a messenger. A medium through which he is acting out on.

So before you judge me for being the other woman, remember, I never go out looking for your men, they come to me. I never hunt them down just to take them away from you, they come to me.

Do not blame me for saying yes or no to them. Take some responsibility, and recognize the role you have or have not played in pushing him towards me

Happy New Year