SerialManeater
I havent written in a while.
My inspiration seems to have taken a back seat. I realized looking at friends... that I have lost that urge within me, to care so much about someone else. I care about my family, I care about my friends. But dramatizing the men in my life...
I feel that I am starting to leave them behind

We dramatize so that we feel special. We hope, that just like the books and the songs and the sonnets, that we could hold fate in our hands and morph our future into what we want it to be

We want to control some part of out destiny.

I am done playing those games. I am happy to say I have not responded to The Italian in almost a month now, amidst him sending me messages to tell me its complicated. To tell me he misses me.

I say, to hell with you. You do not care enough about me to be real about it. And I am shutting for good that chapter of my life.

I am done with Black Love. The one where you feel that you and him were destined to be together. If only he wasnt married... if only he wasnt engaged... if only he didnt have a girlfriend. If only time was different and you were different.

I am done pining my broken beaten up heart for you. I am tired of believing that love and life is supposed to be this difficult.

So I write less, simply because I care less, about the men who come and go. About the men who care as much about me as they do the partners they cheat.

I am ok. By myself, and I love. Myself.

***

I met a man last night. He is tall and in good shape and has a nice boyish face. As we talk, I am tempted to flirt, but I know nothing of this man. I do not know if he is married, if he is engaged, if he has a girlfriend, if he is gay, if he is asexual.

I dont really care, except I do.

We talked about condoms and who's responsibility it was to bring them. We talked about senior partners and how it was like working for them. He heard of my crazy stories of puking my guts out after a few drinks.

I want this man.

Then I find out... his youthful looks, his charming personality, belies the fact that he is a senior officer in a prestigious company... and probably >5 years older than me.

*bangs head against wall*

I want him.
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