Yesterday I came clean with a man I have immense respect for. He works very hard, is smart, witty.
He is of course, The Older Man

I didnt want to, but perhaps in that awkward silence in the car he realized that my answers were not honest. I did not want to influence his judgment of me so I said we can talk about it later.

He called me later that evening, and we had a brief chat.

He says he wants to help me, I guess he honestly cares about me to want to try and save me.

So we worked out a few plans, planned out a few paths, then he let me go, walking, while he waited at the other end.

And I fell. Not only fall. I was silent as he asked me questions. Unable to come up with an answer, unable to even try.

It was exactly how people described it. Deer eyes staring into headlights as the car rams you down.

Nothing hurts so much as knowing you have just disappointed a man you've admired so much. A man who was there, willing to take time out of his very busy life, to help you. And to fall flat on your face, sensing his disgust that for a split second he could've dained to care.

I guess I was wrong. The worst feeling that you can have is disappointment in yourself.
To know that you had let yourself down.

Maybe I should just quit