How easy was it? To dream of a knight in shining armour who would come and rescue you and bring beautiful roses while he was at it. How easy was it? to spend my adolescent youth stuck in an all girls school back when I had braces on and was about five feet; to dream of beautiful valentines day when he would ask me out and I would get dressed all giggly and he would pick me up and we would go for a romantic dinner date where we would just gaze into each others eyes and laugh... and that magical moment when he reaches across the table to hold your hand.
Some say Ive been a romantic most of my life. That no matter how tough the exterior, inside Im a mushball. A sad sappy romantic mushball. Maybe I am. Maybe inside I still hope and dream of romance. Of being swept of my feet. Of the inevitable (hopefully) moment when he gets down on his knee and tells me that he cannot go on without me. That his life would be empty without me. That he is asking me to give him that chance to spend a lifetime together.
And the happily ever after that comes after that of course.
But the truth is, romance is a lot of damn hard work. Overrated? maybe.
The Boyfriend and I spoke on the phone and he asked what I was doing this saturday
"I dont know.. watch tv?"
I had forgotten that it was Valentines day. And even though my life cycle had been : i want gushy romantic valentines -> nobody loves me and I will have sad Valentines by myself -> I dont actually care about Valentines day to -> wow I finally have someone to celebrate Valentines day with to... finally the inevitable -> how do I celebrate Valentines Day when he broke my heart.
Its not easy, to keep an open mind, and be optimistic. When you offer your heart and soul to someone and find out they didnt really feel the same way about you. The Boyfriend and I are still trying to work things out. Were walking together along this path of discovery. Sometimes the road is smooth and beautiful, but sometimes I find roses amongst my thorn. Sometimes he makes me laugh and smile but sometimes he makes me cry. I dont think we could ever go back to the same spot before. Our battle scars show and I walk with a tentative limp. Constant reminders of an aching heart.
I mean, I KNOW he doesnt feel the way he did. So how can I do it? Jump headlong into romance? and love?
Love; the four letter word we use probably more often than the other four letter word. I banned it in our relationship. Too much pressure on the two of us to say these things. Somedays though, I cant help it. Somedays when he's far away and the breeze of loneliness stops by for a visit, I cant help it. I wish he would feel that way about me. That he would defy my request, go against my protestations and just hold me close and tell me he loves me. *cue tears*
How romantic would that be?
So, I guess Ive forgotten about romance, about Valentines day recently because I dont like reminders of getting my heart broken. My walls have been up since that fateful day and its not easy to see whats on the outside.
He's trying, and I see it, and I appreciate it. And I do love it. After all, he was the first man to truly romance me with roses and secret love notes and magical kidnappings to high mountain villas with a quiet breeze and scrumptious scones. But I dont know if its real anymore. I dont know if he's doing this just to not hurt me again. I am wary. Untrusting of my understanding of how he feels about me. Questioning.
Inside... I am a mushball. Behind the walls, inside the locked box, I dream of happiness and romance. I dream of star gazing nights and trips into silent isolated spots. Just me and him. I dream of roses and him showing up all dapper to take me out for a movie. I dream of us holding hands having dinner beside the sea with long tapered candles casting beautiful shadows on our face.
I dream of him holding me, holding my face. Kissing me...
Most of all, I dream of knowing deep down inside of him loving me. No questions asked. My heart healed and whole.
Maybe one day, that day will come. But for now, its a journey. Slowly; we are trying again. Slowly I am learning again. Its not easy.
Little did I know how difficult it was going to be... back when I first dreamt of romance, of that butterfiles in your stomach feeling. I didnt see the memo that mentioned part of romance may involve getting your sould pummeled into the ground. May involve non-stop tears on bad bad days. Of hearing painful things. Of learning painful things. Of trying to trust again. To find again, the feelings you once had.
Sometimes, I wish I could just go back to being that little girl with a princess tiara on, waving her magical wand and wishing wishing wishing for her prince charming to come and give her that magical magical kiss.
... and knowing. Unfailingly knowing. That there was a Happily Ever After... after all
Some say Ive been a romantic most of my life. That no matter how tough the exterior, inside Im a mushball. A sad sappy romantic mushball. Maybe I am. Maybe inside I still hope and dream of romance. Of being swept of my feet. Of the inevitable (hopefully) moment when he gets down on his knee and tells me that he cannot go on without me. That his life would be empty without me. That he is asking me to give him that chance to spend a lifetime together.
And the happily ever after that comes after that of course.
But the truth is, romance is a lot of damn hard work. Overrated? maybe.
The Boyfriend and I spoke on the phone and he asked what I was doing this saturday
"I dont know.. watch tv?"
I had forgotten that it was Valentines day. And even though my life cycle had been : i want gushy romantic valentines -> nobody loves me and I will have sad Valentines by myself -> I dont actually care about Valentines day to -> wow I finally have someone to celebrate Valentines day with to... finally the inevitable -> how do I celebrate Valentines Day when he broke my heart.
Its not easy, to keep an open mind, and be optimistic. When you offer your heart and soul to someone and find out they didnt really feel the same way about you. The Boyfriend and I are still trying to work things out. Were walking together along this path of discovery. Sometimes the road is smooth and beautiful, but sometimes I find roses amongst my thorn. Sometimes he makes me laugh and smile but sometimes he makes me cry. I dont think we could ever go back to the same spot before. Our battle scars show and I walk with a tentative limp. Constant reminders of an aching heart.
I mean, I KNOW he doesnt feel the way he did. So how can I do it? Jump headlong into romance? and love?
Love; the four letter word we use probably more often than the other four letter word. I banned it in our relationship. Too much pressure on the two of us to say these things. Somedays though, I cant help it. Somedays when he's far away and the breeze of loneliness stops by for a visit, I cant help it. I wish he would feel that way about me. That he would defy my request, go against my protestations and just hold me close and tell me he loves me. *cue tears*
How romantic would that be?
So, I guess Ive forgotten about romance, about Valentines day recently because I dont like reminders of getting my heart broken. My walls have been up since that fateful day and its not easy to see whats on the outside.
He's trying, and I see it, and I appreciate it. And I do love it. After all, he was the first man to truly romance me with roses and secret love notes and magical kidnappings to high mountain villas with a quiet breeze and scrumptious scones. But I dont know if its real anymore. I dont know if he's doing this just to not hurt me again. I am wary. Untrusting of my understanding of how he feels about me. Questioning.
Inside... I am a mushball. Behind the walls, inside the locked box, I dream of happiness and romance. I dream of star gazing nights and trips into silent isolated spots. Just me and him. I dream of roses and him showing up all dapper to take me out for a movie. I dream of us holding hands having dinner beside the sea with long tapered candles casting beautiful shadows on our face.
I dream of him holding me, holding my face. Kissing me...
Most of all, I dream of knowing deep down inside of him loving me. No questions asked. My heart healed and whole.
Maybe one day, that day will come. But for now, its a journey. Slowly; we are trying again. Slowly I am learning again. Its not easy.
Little did I know how difficult it was going to be... back when I first dreamt of romance, of that butterfiles in your stomach feeling. I didnt see the memo that mentioned part of romance may involve getting your sould pummeled into the ground. May involve non-stop tears on bad bad days. Of hearing painful things. Of learning painful things. Of trying to trust again. To find again, the feelings you once had.
Sometimes, I wish I could just go back to being that little girl with a princess tiara on, waving her magical wand and wishing wishing wishing for her prince charming to come and give her that magical magical kiss.
... and knowing. Unfailingly knowing. That there was a Happily Ever After... after all
mushball.
i am tired that this world has gone all bloody and cold.
i am tired that people just do not love enough.
that everybody lies. and hurt.
they are afraid.
but, it is a relief to know. that there is this little girl somewhere. in her princess tiara. waving her magical wand. and wishing.
maybe life needs that simplicity.
it is easy to get hurt.
it is harder to heal.
but it is a miracle to keep your faith and dream.
tell that little girl to not stop believing in the four letter word. and that everytime she gaze into the stars and wish for happily ever after..
i, too shall get down on my knees,
and pray the same for her.
there's no such thing as happily ever after; didn't you watch enchanted? ;)