I thought life was tough being alone. I thought it was going to be harder and harder as time goes by to have fewer people to talk to. I thought the worst part was when The Boyfriend leaves me. When he tells me he needs some time to himself.

I was wrong. Its not as bad as I thought it would be. I look forward to coming home. I look forward to the quiet of my house. To my own choice of tv channels. Or not. Or to curl up with a good book. Or just vegetate with my dinner. Or to force myself to sit down and study for my GMATs.

I do miss The Boyfriend being around. Its been a while since we've actually spent time together on a constant basis. After all, how would I know if I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, if Im not spending at least a substantial amount of time with this man.

But I guess thats what he is teaching me. That I want to be by myself too. Maybe not as much as he thinks I do. Maybe not as much as he wants to. But I do need it too.

But sometimes there is a need to be careful. In case I suddenly wake up and realize that its no longer my wanting to be alone, but to just wake up and realize that I am alone

A newborn baby yesterday night. A party for my boss who just had his first son. The scent. The beautiful lovely smell of a newborn baby. Innocence, new, breathtakingly beautiful.

The Boyrfriend last weekend. Warm and cosy in bed. The sweet adult musky sweaty smell of him. My favourite smell of him. When I am curled up in his chest breathing it in.

How does one, transform into the other

I got asked today. If I was going to get married anytime soon.

Cue deer caught with head lights on

My close friend who is married got asked if she was going to have a child soon. A mother of one was asked if she would have a second anytime soon.

When does this stop? These expectations. These ideas. The roadmap that people have drawn up for u and for the rest of ur life.

Dont get me wrong. I want it. I do. I want the family and the child and the second child. But must it be now? Am I supposed to be reminded that my time is running short? Is this supposed to be the ultimate aim in life?

What happened to the girl before who was single and carefree. What happened to the girl who just enjoyed her life without expectations? Who just wanted to have a good time in the middle of the night and dance dance dance the whole night away.

What happened to the different plans, to conquer the world. Lets just let things be, and when the right time comes, the right time will come. We dont have to force it all

I still have nightmares about him. About us. Of our fight.

I still dream of him saying to me that he is an independent man. That he doesnt need me.

I still remember that he doesnt need me.

I still remember the honestly candidly painful things he said to me. I still replay it in my mind every day.

I still dont trust. A friend of mine once said. The hardest thing to do, is to try and trust the same person again once they lose it. Ruin it.

Dreams of us in a friendly land. Dreams of him leaving me to live his life. Dreams of him silent when I am screaming at the top of my head

"I am here to be with you! I guess we just had different expectations after all"

Sometimes I cannot distinguish what is real from what isnt anymore. Battling it out between thinking with my head, and thinking with my heart

Some mornings... I still wake up crying

A surprise. The most romantic one yet. We had planned on a pseudo date. Watching movies together, having dinner together. Pushed apart only by the sea and miles between us. Him in the Middle East, myself here. Four hours time difference. I thought it was cute. I thought it was romantic. To catch up after our movies were done. To talk, to discuss.

Flowers came on Valentines eve. Beautiful big bouquet of red roses sent to my office with the Message "This is surpise #1".

A phone call kept me in anticipation at a warning that Surprise #3 had already been slipped under my door.

I walk back right then. Checked my mailbox and saw his card. All the way from Swiss land where he had been a few days ago.

I walk into my house and notice nothing on the floor. The a/c was on and I kicked myself for raising my electricity bill... again...

A glow of a blackberry in the dark. A stir in the bed.

I screamed.

He looked at me. Beautiful eyes at me. Shocked shocked shocked.

At The Boyfriend who came back to surprise me.

***

A weekend of holding hands, of dinner and brunch. Of talking. Of kissing. Glorious glorious kissing. Rolls in bed. Laughter in the house. A blink of an eye.

And then he was gone.

***

I wait here now. On a Saturday night. Pull out my laptop and am working. An entire market to size. Both bottom up and top-down. To pull it apart by every sub-segment.

On a Saturday night. I have to. There's no way I can complete this before my deadline if not.

***

The Boyfriend being here. Us laughing, talking, holding hands, walking. Us planning out trip.

Reminds me how unhappy I am in my job. How much I loathe the thought of having to work on a Saturday night. How violently ill I feel at the thought of dragging myself to another day at work. Of coming home after a long day and never beeing able to shake that feeling of guilt that I have to work the rest of the night. That I couldnt do anything personal the rest of the night.

The money... its just money after all. Buys me fancy things. Puts me in fancy hotels and homes.

Its an empty home without The Boyfriend. But even if he was here, we would both be working.

Im reaching my breaking point at work. I dont know how much longer I can drag myself through this mudhole slowly dragging me in.

Him being here. Reminded me of things that truly make me happy. And highlighted all the things that dont.

How easy was it? To dream of a knight in shining armour who would come and rescue you and bring beautiful roses while he was at it. How easy was it? to spend my adolescent youth stuck in an all girls school back when I had braces on and was about five feet; to dream of beautiful valentines day when he would ask me out and I would get dressed all giggly and he would pick me up and we would go for a romantic dinner date where we would just gaze into each others eyes and laugh... and that magical moment when he reaches across the table to hold your hand.

Some say Ive been a romantic most of my life. That no matter how tough the exterior, inside Im a mushball. A sad sappy romantic mushball. Maybe I am. Maybe inside I still hope and dream of romance. Of being swept of my feet. Of the inevitable (hopefully) moment when he gets down on his knee and tells me that he cannot go on without me. That his life would be empty without me. That he is asking me to give him that chance to spend a lifetime together.

And the happily ever after that comes after that of course.

But the truth is, romance is a lot of damn hard work. Overrated? maybe.

The Boyfriend and I spoke on the phone and he asked what I was doing this saturday
"I dont know.. watch tv?"

I had forgotten that it was Valentines day. And even though my life cycle had been : i want gushy romantic valentines -> nobody loves me and I will have sad Valentines by myself -> I dont actually care about Valentines day to -> wow I finally have someone to celebrate Valentines day with to... finally the inevitable -> how do I celebrate Valentines Day when he broke my heart.

Its not easy, to keep an open mind, and be optimistic. When you offer your heart and soul to someone and find out they didnt really feel the same way about you. The Boyfriend and I are still trying to work things out. Were walking together along this path of discovery. Sometimes the road is smooth and beautiful, but sometimes I find roses amongst my thorn. Sometimes he makes me laugh and smile but sometimes he makes me cry. I dont think we could ever go back to the same spot before. Our battle scars show and I walk with a tentative limp. Constant reminders of an aching heart.

I mean, I KNOW he doesnt feel the way he did. So how can I do it? Jump headlong into romance? and love?

Love; the four letter word we use probably more often than the other four letter word. I banned it in our relationship. Too much pressure on the two of us to say these things. Somedays though, I cant help it. Somedays when he's far away and the breeze of loneliness stops by for a visit, I cant help it. I wish he would feel that way about me. That he would defy my request, go against my protestations and just hold me close and tell me he loves me. *cue tears*

How romantic would that be?

So, I guess Ive forgotten about romance, about Valentines day recently because I dont like reminders of getting my heart broken. My walls have been up since that fateful day and its not easy to see whats on the outside.

He's trying, and I see it, and I appreciate it. And I do love it. After all, he was the first man to truly romance me with roses and secret love notes and magical kidnappings to high mountain villas with a quiet breeze and scrumptious scones. But I dont know if its real anymore. I dont know if he's doing this just to not hurt me again. I am wary. Untrusting of my understanding of how he feels about me. Questioning.

Inside... I am a mushball. Behind the walls, inside the locked box, I dream of happiness and romance. I dream of star gazing nights and trips into silent isolated spots. Just me and him. I dream of roses and him showing up all dapper to take me out for a movie. I dream of us holding hands having dinner beside the sea with long tapered candles casting beautiful shadows on our face.

I dream of him holding me, holding my face. Kissing me...

Most of all, I dream of knowing deep down inside of him loving me. No questions asked. My heart healed and whole.

Maybe one day, that day will come. But for now, its a journey. Slowly; we are trying again. Slowly I am learning again. Its not easy.

Little did I know how difficult it was going to be... back when I first dreamt of romance, of that butterfiles in your stomach feeling. I didnt see the memo that mentioned part of romance may involve getting your sould pummeled into the ground. May involve non-stop tears on bad bad days. Of hearing painful things. Of learning painful things. Of trying to trust again. To find again, the feelings you once had.

Sometimes, I wish I could just go back to being that little girl with a princess tiara on, waving her magical wand and wishing wishing wishing for her prince charming to come and give her that magical magical kiss.

... and knowing. Unfailingly knowing. That there was a Happily Ever After... after all

my case has been winding down... thank god... so I had time to surf around on the world wide web. Found myself The List. Im sure you've heard of the United Nations World Heritage List. And in anticipation of my trip to Rajasthan with The Boyfriend soon, I decided to cross check and see how far along the list Ive managed to get to.

Australia Thanks to Silverwolf
Great Barrier Reef
Kakadu National Park
Uluru-Kata Tjuta National Park
Sydney Opera House (from outside)

Cambodia
Angkor

France
Palace and Park of Versailles
Palace and Park of Fontaineblaeu
Notre Dame
Banks of Seine

India
Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus
Red Fort Complex

Indonesia
Borobodur Temple Compounds
Prambanan Temple

Italy
Historic Center of Rome
Historic Center of Florence
Piazza del Duomo, Pisa
Venice and its Lagoon

Laos
Town of Luang Prabang

Malaysia
George Town
Melaka
Kinabalu National Park

Spain Again with the Wolf
Alhambra, Generalife and Albayzin, Granada
Historic Center of Cordoba
Works of Antoni Gaudi
Old town of Segovia and its aqueduct <- good thing the Wolf persuaded me to go
Historic city of Toledo
Cathedral, Alcazar and archivo de Indias in Seville

Switzerland
Old city of Berne

USA
Grand Canyon National Park
Statue of Liberty

Vietnam
Halong Bay

Not bad for a 25 year old =)

Not that I was planning on finishing up this list anyways... hehhehe

But the place that Ive wanted to see for a while with The Boyfriend...
Rock-Hewn Churches, Lalibela, Ethiopia

looks amazing

I was walking to the mall to meet up with some friends for coffee. Was on the phone and walking towards the escalator, when he is slowly carried up, like a bad bad dream... Northwestern Boy.

Such a long long time ago. He managed to twist my little head into thinking that I indeed had feelings for him. He left his girlfriend for me, and left me to go back to her. We had even travelled together spent time together in the rainy weather of San Francisco.

I had turned, to finish my conversation with my friend, and when I turned again, there he was waiting to talk.

Our conversation was as it was before. Nothing to make me wonder what had been. Empty conversations where he talks about himself mostly (as usual). We were strangers and as we tried to carry a conversation, I realized I really didnt care anymore. About him, about the her that I think he migh have married, but I didnt bother to ask.

He said he couldnt find my blog anymore, and I was glad. I did not need him trying to figure out my head, trying to see what has become of me.

(I am much much happier now thank you very much and youre still an arsehole)

I left, feeling... nothing. Except maybe surprise at the sudden surprise of meeting him...

Did I mention?

He got pretty damn fat
lol