Its been a while. A whirlwind week filled with heartbreak, tears, screaming inside my head. But its mostly been filled with numbness. Mostly thats what I feel... or dont feel...
I go through the motions as good as any little soldier could. I wake up, I cook myself breakfast. I watch tv. I drag myself out of my little house and walk around the city. Meet up with everyone I can find. Talk.. move...Around anywhere... looking at things, not looking at things, being looked at... anything. To remind me to stop thinking, to stop hurting.
And so I succeed. I forget, I become numb. I dont remember what its like to have his love surrounding me like his warm hugs in the middle of the night. I dont remember what its like to laugh at him, with him... watch him smile at me, laugh at me, cup my face in his hands and kiss me.
I forget. What its like to love him. I am no longer that girl giddy with happiness, feeling like she is the most blessed being on earth. Thoughts of him no longer bring me happiness, joy. Thoughts of him bring me nothing except a vision like a video replaying happy moments that a strange couple had. And wondering, what in the world happened to them?
Its been a week of highs and lows and of reminding myself to stop feeling a certain way for him. About him. And that rational side of me wins. That rational side of me puts a stop to the way I feel.
Is it really best to love and lost than to never love at all? What if you loved, with all your heart and soul only to have it ripped out of you. To not, in this moment in time be able to love him back?
Days like today I question my numbness. My lack of emotion, of ability to be hurt beyond those first few days.
I put on some music. My favorite Damien Rice CD. I listen to sad sappy love songs. And I try and recall what it was like for us when we first loved. What it was like for us when we first kissed. I remind myself, and I remind myself that its all gone now.
And I cry... a little bit. A lot more inside than you can see on me. But its enough. Enough for at least a little bit, to remind me that the relationship I have matters, that he matters.
It reminds of all things. That I am human too.
Sometimes it reminds me, that we both need to keep on fighting for this. But I still ask that question. When do we give up?
I go through the motions as good as any little soldier could. I wake up, I cook myself breakfast. I watch tv. I drag myself out of my little house and walk around the city. Meet up with everyone I can find. Talk.. move...Around anywhere... looking at things, not looking at things, being looked at... anything. To remind me to stop thinking, to stop hurting.
And so I succeed. I forget, I become numb. I dont remember what its like to have his love surrounding me like his warm hugs in the middle of the night. I dont remember what its like to laugh at him, with him... watch him smile at me, laugh at me, cup my face in his hands and kiss me.
I forget. What its like to love him. I am no longer that girl giddy with happiness, feeling like she is the most blessed being on earth. Thoughts of him no longer bring me happiness, joy. Thoughts of him bring me nothing except a vision like a video replaying happy moments that a strange couple had. And wondering, what in the world happened to them?
Its been a week of highs and lows and of reminding myself to stop feeling a certain way for him. About him. And that rational side of me wins. That rational side of me puts a stop to the way I feel.
Is it really best to love and lost than to never love at all? What if you loved, with all your heart and soul only to have it ripped out of you. To not, in this moment in time be able to love him back?
Days like today I question my numbness. My lack of emotion, of ability to be hurt beyond those first few days.
I put on some music. My favorite Damien Rice CD. I listen to sad sappy love songs. And I try and recall what it was like for us when we first loved. What it was like for us when we first kissed. I remind myself, and I remind myself that its all gone now.
And I cry... a little bit. A lot more inside than you can see on me. But its enough. Enough for at least a little bit, to remind me that the relationship I have matters, that he matters.
It reminds of all things. That I am human too.
Sometimes it reminds me, that we both need to keep on fighting for this. But I still ask that question. When do we give up?
You don't give up, fight, it will be worth it in the end. though he needs to do a little more fighting on his part.