Blardy hell...

Boss #1 asks me to work during Chinese New Year leave right... but says I can take the leave back some other time. So I say ok, and do it - working through the holidays.

Now Boss #1 says he has no control over my leave when I finish this case - i.e. the leave cannot be pushed to beyond the case... yet he wont let me take leave now coz there is a lot of work to do...

wtf man... such bullshit... essentially I had to work a public holiday for nothing

Re-cap of the weekend...

Friday : Last day on project. Meeting does not go well. Big bosses ask me to do yet more work that isnt even in our scope. Future looks bleak, but at least Ill be seeing The Boyfriend for a whole day together

Boss schedules all meetings for Wednesday morning. And for some stupid reason I am requested to attend them all. How is this even fair? I am not a super worker. I cannot finish ALL these outstanding items that is not even in scope AND my own stuff.

Evening : Boss 1 informs me that he needs things done that night. I push back and tell him to wait until the next day since I only have one day with The Boyfriend before he leaves for Middle East for a month.

Boss asks me to get it done anyways. Says there isnt a lot

1.30 a.m. The Boyfriend is fast asleep, I had managed to finish the work and sent it in.

Saturday : I finally make it back to my home country late at night and unpack. Basking in the thoughts of a few days to myself

Sunday : meet up with old friends for lunch. Receive call from Boss 1 during lunch. Asking me to work the weekend. Insists that Biggest Bosses #1 and 2 have requested changes to all the documents. Since I do not celebrate Chinese New Year I have been requested to handle all this work. After all it wouldnt be fair to everyone else who is celebrating... right? blardy hell...

Evening. Thoughts of covering

Revision of documents that I do not own, nor do I even really understand content
All my work that is not in scope but because my company cant bring itself to ever say NO to a client I end up doing.
All my ACTUAL work that Im supposed to finish up but couldnt because I had to cover all this other things.

Guess just because I dont celebrate CNY im not considered a human being. Just a grunt to do all this bullshit work that will never be looked at anyways

2 more days to go... really?

Why do I always end up having to do stupid clean up work

A mistake.

I had meant to send him a story about us. So that he would know what its like. What it was like...

Instead I sent together with it the link to my blog..

He found out. 0_0

Today, coming back from a half week down south and him a weeks trip far east, he held me and told me that he wont come back here if I didnt want him to anymore. That he understands. This is my private thing. Sometimes people need to vent. Sometimes people need to just talk. and share things, both good and bad.

He says he wont come here anymore. And I said ok.

I guess there is no need for self censorship. There shouldnt be a need. Were supposed to be honest to each other, open to each other. And we are.. I am.. its just.. sometimes I need the blog to formulate things I want to say to him.

Sometimes I need to see it outside in the world to asses whether it makes sense or not.

I thank him for leaving this alone, my haven alone.

Then I can crawl into his arms and be in that haven too

"Abang"
"Hello? who is this?"
"Its me... your sister"

The words to call him sounding foreign on my toungue. An unpleasant combination of something reminding you of a sour past and an unwritten future.

Its been a long long long time since we've had a conversation. A longer time still since we cared about each other.

He is merely my blood. Nothing more, nothing less. He used to be my protector. The boy-man on a bike too big carrying me on its handlebars to the grocery store.

He used to be my playmate as we stayed up late late late at night playing board games that made no sense.

He used to teach me compassion. The right way to hold a cat. The right way to stroke it and feed it.

Used to, used to, used to.

So many used to. So few is-es

I had to call him today. A long time coming. To finally ask him for his duties as a son. To care for my mother while I am not around. And us, poor us, strangers in different states. It might as well be different worlds. Connected by the thin lines of blood that bring nothing more between us.

Are we truly siblings if there is nothing left between us? If we cease to care about each other.

I wonder when the day would come, when calling for him does not sound so foreign. When naming myself to him does not sound so awkward.

"Its your sister"

Sometimes I wonder if its true

You kiss me, you call me, you check on me... and I love you
You tell me in a conversation casually that you just want me to be happy... and I love you
You give me the keys to your condo... and I love you
You fly back early as a surprise gift to me... and I love you
You draw a message for me in the sand. Pick up a perfect shell for me.. bring it back to me... and I love you

You stop calling me... and I love you
You stop e-mailing me... and I love you
You slowdown contacting me. Period. ... and I love? you
You stop talking to me, laughing with me when we make love... and I .... love? ... you

We fight... and you tell me you dont love me... and I know I love you
You walk away after... and dont call me back.. and I...love you
You dont send me emails, waiting.. and I love..? you

We talk again... and parts of me loves you...

but after...
the long silence after... from your side. When you do not change, when you do not contact me anymore

makes me wonder...
do I? really? love? you? still...

My job in life is to come up answers. I solve companies problems. I come up with initiatives, processes, roadmaps, timelines, milestones. I have perfomance measurements, KPIs, SLAs

Isnt it funny how in my own life I have zero answers... dont even know where to go. Where to turn to.

I cancelled the company trip this weekend. Its tough enough as it is to be sent away from your home. You dont see your friends and your social life takes a halt in those small instances when you do get sent home. You spend it finally blissfully alone. No colleagues, no bosses, nobody to tell you what to do.

I thought to myself, solving my personal life means more to me this weekend. More than the promises of binge drinking on the boss' account. More than the thoughts of frolicking by the beach catching a tan. My friend said to me, whats the point after all, when your heart is not in it.

Im going back to try over, to start again. To try and see if there is something we can capture again. Start again. Its not easy though. Like I said. The feelings are gone now. Numb. Stashed somewhere far away. Its not easy to pretend like everythings ok. Like everythings going to be ok. When nothing has changed. When communication is stalled to a point where I stop thinking about you anymore. Stop needing you anymore.

Just the way you wanted it.

I have no answers. I dont know what I want out of this. I dont know what I dont want out of this.

Im going home blind.

Its been a while. A whirlwind week filled with heartbreak, tears, screaming inside my head. But its mostly been filled with numbness. Mostly thats what I feel... or dont feel...

I go through the motions as good as any little soldier could. I wake up, I cook myself breakfast. I watch tv. I drag myself out of my little house and walk around the city. Meet up with everyone I can find. Talk.. move...Around anywhere... looking at things, not looking at things, being looked at... anything. To remind me to stop thinking, to stop hurting.

And so I succeed. I forget, I become numb. I dont remember what its like to have his love surrounding me like his warm hugs in the middle of the night. I dont remember what its like to laugh at him, with him... watch him smile at me, laugh at me, cup my face in his hands and kiss me.

I forget. What its like to love him. I am no longer that girl giddy with happiness, feeling like she is the most blessed being on earth. Thoughts of him no longer bring me happiness, joy. Thoughts of him bring me nothing except a vision like a video replaying happy moments that a strange couple had. And wondering, what in the world happened to them?

Its been a week of highs and lows and of reminding myself to stop feeling a certain way for him. About him. And that rational side of me wins. That rational side of me puts a stop to the way I feel.

Is it really best to love and lost than to never love at all? What if you loved, with all your heart and soul only to have it ripped out of you. To not, in this moment in time be able to love him back?

Days like today I question my numbness. My lack of emotion, of ability to be hurt beyond those first few days.

I put on some music. My favorite Damien Rice CD. I listen to sad sappy love songs. And I try and recall what it was like for us when we first loved. What it was like for us when we first kissed. I remind myself, and I remind myself that its all gone now.

And I cry... a little bit. A lot more inside than you can see on me. But its enough. Enough for at least a little bit, to remind me that the relationship I have matters, that he matters.

It reminds of all things. That I am human too.

Sometimes it reminds me, that we both need to keep on fighting for this. But I still ask that question. When do we give up?

hahaha

gotta love this country right?

On me... RM 50 = ~USD 15
On Cameron... I have no idea.

Ive always been a huge fashion magazine reader. Ever since I got my own house one of my fav things to do is sit around in my reading corner and read my fashion mags. I try and put things together based on what I see, or what I see can be done. Im not saying Im a hugely fashionable girl, but I do try. I do feel better and more confident all dressed up. I do know my clients take me seriously when I come in looking the part.

While writing in my diary today, I started doodling my work wardrobe for the next two weeks. Thats the problem sometimes, when u get sent away for 2 months and u semi-care about how you look. You end up spending some time over the weekend trying on all your work outfits and deciding whether or not it would work. I guess Ill continue this trend of keeping a record of ways to dress and what I own. Helps keep an inventory of things.

Watched Oprah and one of the key tips they have for how to manage your wardrobe is to have all the hangers facing one way, and when u wear something and you wash it and hang it back, hang it back in another way. That way, you can see after six months how many percent of your clothes you actually wear! then u can get rid of those you dont.

Pretty cool ey? hahaha, what to do la... Ive been sitting in my house for the past two weeks and only going out (almost every other day) to go shopping. Hahahaha