I think there might be a few things you should know about me.

1) I dont get mad very easily
2) When I get mad I will fucking try to kill you

The thing is, after my historical teenage years, my not really meeting expectations college, suicidal thoughts, family history... after all these things, I tend to not sweat the small stuff. Or at least try to not sweat the small stuff.

If you see me disappearing for a while, its partly because my therapist had adviced me to try and avoid being in situations that stress me out but that I have no control over. Things like my friends problems, other peoples depression. Sounds bad, I know, sounds like abandonment, I know. But these are the things that keep me sane, and keep me from jumping off the bandwagon off a bridge and into a river. These are things I need to do for me.

Because after all, if I dont look out for me, myself and I, who else would?

As a result, I am quite 'edited' when it comes to friends. I have very few close friends, a handful (maybe one handful) of friends that know my deepest darkest secrets and fears, and a lot of acquantainces. Though in recent years, even this group of people have slowly been edited down.

I am choosy and particular, as I believe I have the right to be when it comes to people.

So when people let you down, I believe I have the right to unleash my own way.

A colleague of mine (recently an acquantaince. You can refer to her as the frenemy/ bitch) decided to come into my office room and accuse me, in front of my other colleagues, of stabbing her in the back. What exactly did she accuse me of doing and in what circumstance does not matter. Needless to say it was a petty fight, very high school drama queen. And yes, I could have dealt with it better. (I was taken off guard and started raising my voice)

Post fight, I stop caring about her. Seriously, she could get run over by a bus for all I care (yes, this is my second bitchy/ asshole colleague, not the same as the first one). Because at the end of the day, what you accused me of doing and how you dealt with it was truly a betrayal of trust.

And I dont deal well with that kinda shit.

Post-mortem evaluation, I realize that I really couldnt care less about her existance in my life. There were no added benefits. Think about it, she tries to get attention from men (including MY Boyfriend), she asks me to lie and cover up for her when she leaves the office early or without informing our boss, she cheats on her previous boyfriend and tells her parents that she's staying over at my place (when she was secretly staying over at her new bf's place... without even telling me that she was using me as an alibi for her parents until much later).

Now what have I gained from her.... hmmm... hmmm....

nothing

So, pretty simple decision. I'll just cut her off from my life.

The bitch inside me wants to venge out, the bitch inside me wants to go out and destroy her life. The bitch inside me remembers what its like to walk over someone, to get what I want. To not care about other people.

The bitch is still inside me.

But I dont. As much as I do actually want to, I wont. Because repercussions are dear, so even when she decides to insult me for being heartless and for not being compassionate, I decide to not show her how TRULY heartless I can be. I decide to sit around and take the abuse.

Perhaps this is the new me now.

I will not change. Inside my soul is an ice queen, inside my soul is a bitch. I am not clean and pure, I am not white and repentive. This is me. This is who I am. Should I edit myself to show you a fake side of me? a side that can just brush it off like dewdrops on a leaf? what for? whose life lie shall I live?

Inside, my soul is not clean and clear and great and fine. Inside, I am torn and damaged, cynical and gray. This is how I survive. This is how I live.

If you dont like it. Walk away

Now, when you betray me I can still control it. I can still say to myself, No, dont go out and do something bad. No, dont go out and do something wrong.

But try it again and I cannot promise you that I will remain big enough. Try it again...

and dont blame me when I fucking come around to blow your house of cards down

Bitch.

Im so angry right now

I believe in fate. I really do. I believe that sometimes you do the best that you can do, and then it depends on something else. It depends on your luck or whether the wind blows in your favor or the alignment of the stars. It depends on something else.

Ive wanted to start over for a while now. The first thing I wanted to do was switch jobs. It all hinged on that. My money, my travels, my clothes, my shoes. It all depended on having this job. Though the past few months have been relatively easy for me (Perhaps the best project Ive had in the history of working at The Company) I know its not meant to last. That sooner or later, I will return to my time consuming job. No time to breathe. No time to walk.

It is hard to extricate yourself from a comfortable position. From a position that you're 'used to'. And Ive gotten 'used to' to a lot of things.

So I wished, to start over again. First things first, I had to deal with The Boyfriend leaving. Put everything on hold, until that dust storm finally settled. Then I got myself a personal trainer, because I want my body back damnit. The BFF once asked me, what happened to my six pack that I had in a picture with Mr. Librarian. I looked at it and remembered, and felt sad, that I had actually lost that. Yes superficial I know, but it makes me feel better, let it go.

Tried to sign up for a 10km night run. To at least set a goal that I can achieve. Sadly that got shot since the registration was closed.

Travel. I thought about starting that over too. I thought seeing where The Boyfriend is right now, would be nice. But I wasnt invited and have never been invited... unless you count me inviting myself over and The Boyfriend saying 'ok'. I thought I would travel with my girlfriends, but the Wolf is preparing for a big move and isnt going to be travelling much till end of the year or early next year. And my Woman (I would need to get a nickname for her) is too busy travelling around the world and helping develop microfinancing policies or grants or something to travel with me.

So I booked a ticket to venture East, all by myself. For the first time in my life. Perhaps I will have adventures aplenty. Or meet new travellers to share my stories with. Or just sip coffee and live day by day like The Writer does. The thrill of the unknown. The thrill of reinvention.

So the body was covered, and so was my itchy feet.

The last leg of this metamorphosis was actually going forth and finding a new job. So I did it. Took the plunge. Woman (shall I call her Miss Big Heart? or Miss Always There since she is actually Always There for me (unless she is travelling... that bitch) helped me out with the CV and cover letter and helped me send it off. And it went off! Two CV's, two cover letters, off into cyberspace.

This is where all my efforts end. This is where fate begins.

I promised myself though, if I make it. And if I take it. And if I have to move somewhere, and The Boyfriend makes no effort to arrange to see me, or move with me, or travel, or sit down to try and find a solution or to fight for me. Then I start over. I start all over again.

This is where fate decides

You know whats difficult? Fielding questions from people when you ask yourself the same questions, when you yourself dont have the answer

Q : So, where is The Boyfriend?
Me : Oh, he left already. Last Friday.

Q: How are things there?
Me : He's good, settled down already

Q : What is he doing again
Me : (goes into long description of what new job The Boyfriend is doing)

Q : When is he coming back
Me : Six months

Q : When are u going over for a visit?
Me : I dont know, I guess at some point, maybe when he's settled down or something

Q : When is he coming back for a visit?
Me : I have no idea

Q : When are you guys going to see each other next?
Me : I dont know

Q : He's leaving the firm isnt he?
Me : No, just a six months leave of absence

Q : So whats going to happen to the both of you?
Me : I dont know, just like now?

Q : Havent you guys talked about things?
Me : No... he's only gone for six months

Q : But, you should talk about things right? Like what's this going to mean for the both of you? He's going to bring you over there at some point right? You guys have talked about getting married right?
Me : hahah, dont know, why dont you ask him?
Q : You know I cant ask him this question

Q : You guys dont talk about getting married?
Me : hahahaha were so young. There's still time. After all, men... they dont think about these things, and probably wont until much later. He's not in that age group yet

Q : You guys should seriously talk about things, where things are going to go

Q : Why didnt you leave and go with him?
Me : I wasnt invited


(Yes, I am quoting you an almost verbatim conversation someone had with me. Not the only one Ive had to field)

Another conversation that I had

Q : How is he doing
Me : Good I guess

Q : What's he been doing
Me : I dont really know what he's been up to. I havent spoken to him in a while
(silent stare of ' I cant believe you dont talk to each other every day')

Conversations that I will have from now on

Q : How's The Boyfriend doing
Me : Good

Q : What has he been up to?
Me : Stuff, I guess

Q : So, are you going to go over and visit him? / when is he coming back? / are you guys talking about getting married / did you guys talk about where your relationship is going / are you guys getting serious? / are you going to move there with him?
Me : For more answers please field all questions to "theboyfriend@email.com

Thank you.

What do you think? does that sound too cold?

How do you cage a bird without breaking its soul

The Boyfriend left. Flew far and away to try out a different life in a different city in a different country. We never talked about it, but I know, part of this different life that he needs involves a different me, or a life without me, temporarily.

Isnt it funny sometimes, that you would need space from the one you want to be with? Isnt it funny sometimes how you need to get away to somewhere else just to redefine who you are? to find yourself again? that you would rather not plan to see the other person again. Maybe not when? maybe not if?

Who am I? What have I become?

I am the incessant breath at his neck. The shadow lurking behind him. I am his ball and chain.

So it is time for him to leave, and with it, no ideas of when we will see each other next. "Sometime" he says. "Sometime" I whisper.

No tears this time. No sadness at his departure. Perhaps it was a long time coming, seeing, knowing that he needs to get away from me yet again. The difference this time though, I shall no longer chase, I shall no longer want. He will turn around and see that I am not running behind him, tugging at his shirtsleeves.

He can run, and soar and be the great big bird with its wings flapping free. I am no longer his chain, his link. I am no longer his shadow lurking in the dark.

I no longer wait, and hope, and see. I am letting life be. If he wants me, he knows where to find me.

"It is written"

Let the phoenix rise. Let it fly. Let it breathe the fresh air from above. Let my daffodil roots embed itself deep deep deep into the ground so that I may not soar after him. Fly after him. Chase after him.

How do you cage a bird without breaking its soul?

By becoming its sky...

Week 4 of the new year. Officially, January is over, and my resolution to holding on to my shopping spending, a great success. In January I bought one item and one item only that wouldve made it to the 'shopping' list. A ring. One. Just a funky crystal ring. And that was pretty much it.

So why am I still broke? Well maybe broke is too strong a word, but why am I still not able to enjoy my money? Well in January I spent ...

Gyne trip : USD 110
Changing prescription of glasses : USD 250
Car cleaning : USD 75
Hair : USD 100
Pedicure & massage package for the year : USD 150
Waxing package for the year : USD 170

sigh...

*** Update

That USD 75 car wash? yeaps, I walked out this morning and a bird had pooped on it. Karma's a bitch