I saw a picture of The Doctor today. He looked thinner. The same big smile though, the same shaven head.

I tried to remember us. But its eluded me now. A long time coming I guess to get over him and move on with life. I wanted to let go, but the funny thing is, the feeling was already gone. Long evaporated in the night.

How simple life is sometimes, that you spend all your life looking for love. And when you find it, sometimes have it thrown back to you, and you move on, meet other people. How easy it is to have all that love moved somewhere else. Kindled, grown.

You know whats the difference this time? He loves me back. As much as I do him.

It is a great feeling of equality. Knowing that. The difference from so many times before.

He's kidnapping me this weekend. I cant wait!

Do you remember the story I told you about the backstabbing colleague.
Wait, it gets even better...

I knew his girlfriend from last year, back when they first got together and he was trying to show her off to me. At the annual dinner party, The Best Friend told me that she knew her. We were surprised really when they got together. This beautiful young thing, and him.

He loved her, or so he claims. Told me within the first month of them dating that she was the one, that he wanted to marry her. I laughed. And told him then, that I would kill him if he got married before I did. That boy of 20.

A month ago, he broke up with his girlfriend and dated the girl who travelled with me earlier this year. She too, broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. Them getting together was another shocker especially to us in the company. They were both in the company you see.

The Boyfriend and I had decided to lay low, it is nobody in the company's business that we are dating each other. They, on the other hand went the exact opposite way. They told everyone. Even asked the coffee auntie to guess who he was dating. They put it all over facebook. They spent time at work being together.

I felt bad for the ex-girlfriend who had to face the constant barrage of photos of the two of them together.

Last weekend they got engaged. A boy of 21 and a girl of 23. After three weeks of dating. Again, they announced it all over facebook. People in the company got wind of it, and blew it all over the SEA. People were shocked mostly. At the rash indecision of youth. Perhaps love, they said. Perhaps she is pregnant. People asked if their parents knew. People asked what kind of mother did she have to allow such a thing.

I couldnt be happy for them. No matter what. I like the girl, she is what I would have called friend. But I was so incredibly disappointed in her actions. As were many in the company. It was in my face constantly at work, what with the affectionate ways they talked to each other over lunch.

The Boyfriend asked me, why was I so caught up. Let them make the mistake he said. Let them learn on their own.

It hurt me, to be reminded of a girl of 16 who was so in love with her boyfriend she would have done anything to be with him forever. And I told The Boyfriend that, with our heads next to each other in the middle of the night.

But I realized today. Essentially why I couldnt be happy for them. Because I hate him. I just think he is a horrible horrible person for what he did to me. And maybe, because of that I can never forgive him. I do not think people like him deserve happiness. I do not think people like him can fall in love except with themselves.

He does not deserve it. He does not deserve a 'happily ever after'

Perhaps my heart is so small that it cannot forgive. But I was happier with myself when I realized why I was so against it. Happier with myself when I understood that I cannot be happy for a person on whom I only wish bad things to happen. To redeem what he did to me.

I guess the world is filled with those, the people wronged, the people who have wronged others.

And I guess the world cannot always be fair in my favor sometimes

"I had written that I had hung up my dancing shoes"
"What do you mean you hung up your dancing shoes? You can always go dancing, Im never going to stop you"
"I know, but I figured, maybe no more dancing on bar tops in little dresses where no one tells me that Im flashing the world"
"Ok, maybe not that.... But you wanted to learn tango. We can go for tango. So dont hang up the dancing shoes"

***

Saturday night.

We are drunk and happy and surrounded by friends, I am jumping around wildly while he is grooving on the side. Sometimes we reach out and touch each other in the darkness of the night and the pulsating beats of the band.

Our friends come up and dance with me and sometimes shoos me away to his side asking me to never try and be their wingwoman ever again. I am more than happy to be in his arms, dancing like an idiot. Smiling at him, laughing as he holds me close and I lean over too far to pick up a glass.

The nights ends on a high note. Everyone having a good time. As we got in the car, I told him

"I love that we can still do this, go out, you and me, with our friends, and just have a good time, and with them not feeling awkward as well"

***

I guess I didnt hang up my dancing shoes, as it turns out, I just found another pair far more comfortable to wear

When it boils down to it, what becomes more important? Money or the dream?
As I lazed in bed with The Boyfriend today, curled up in the nook of his shoulder we talked about dreams and possibilities. Of quitting working, setting up a business somewhere, running it fully, happily, chasing lifelong wants of things we had always aimed to do. His supreme excel skills though would be wasted on my efforts, taking a back seat to a life of leisure and schmoozing.

Then he reminded me, of the upcoming possibility of a promotion, and the hefty salary increase that comes together with it. Amounts I could never forsee if I ventured off on my own. A return I could not even imagine until many many years down the line.

But we wondered though, him and I, if it would still be worth it. To have that peace and calm in life and to say fuck it all and go off and do something you want.

He gallantly offered me his window sill as a place to stay temporarily if I ever got evicted.

The dream or the money?

Work has been pretty bad lately. I guess with a 4 week deadline looming near, we have no choice but to move things fast fast fast and get things done done done! The long weekend was a welcome. Even though I was the only one working on Labour day from the office, managed to get everything done (so was fairly efficient without any distractions), had the meeting on Friday morning (even though I should be compensated for the Thurs work) and it was off! for the weekend!

My Blackberry stayed on though, that demonic beast

So I spent Friday vegetating in the house which was bliss!
Saturday was spent fighting with the boyfriend. Even though we managed to
a) Condo hunt together
b) I managed to go to Strip
c) Had lunch with me me me! at Bodegas and Mojo Picon dip! I swear the waiters were making a bet on how much I could eat (I had the Big Breakfast AND Mojo Picon)and coffee and my book
d) Checked out FJ Benjamin sale - not impressed. Cant believe I waited in line! Also made me super claustrophobic and willing to pay price premium to get me out of the crowd!
e)Shopped some more. New books out! By Chabon! and Oondatje! and Jumpa Lahiri and Murakami! Bought the Chabon book. Will get to the rest later. Am currently reading strange book recommended by The Boyfriend.
f) New clothes! Generally should make me happier but was still angry with Boyfriend
g) Massage : woman almost killed me by strangling me when she massaged my neck
h) Fought and made up with Boyfriend
i) Worked a bit more - to catch up and make me feel less guilty about going out the next day

On Sunday I crept quietly into his place with they keys he gave me and offered a peace offering of apricot nectar. Made up some more and went for brunch! at our usual Sunday spot. I love having sunday brunch with him here. Its quiet and its just us, relaxing having a lazy Sunday

FYI: Paul decided not to come to Pavillion! *dies!* I was looking forward to having the great french chocolate cakes and hot chocolate that I used to sip on the streets of Paris. We were both shocked as we walked by to check if it was open. Shocked! to see it had instead been replaced with Corningware! He patted my hair gently as the shock slowly started to sink in

I realized that the only thing I need really is to spend some quality hours just me and him. And then Im ok, I can go off on my own, in fact I want! to go off on my own. And its much better for the both of us. He agrees, so we'll try and arrange something out

*Had yelled out in melodramatic sense* " I am NOT a MEETINGPLACE GIRLFRIEND"

So it was pretty nice today, went shopping a lil more (I seriously dont shop much,I just ended up buying three tops over span of two days)

And the weekend has kept a smile on my face for tom =)

Things are not always so pretty in the Land of Us. Not always so bright and cheery and happy. Sometimes like today I feel like strangling the boyfriend. Like pummeling his head in with a pillow or something.

I guess at the end of the day. It is my own damn fault. For letting him not appreciate me. For feeling like a doormat they way I do like today. It is my fault for not standing up and saying no whenever he asks me to come until its reached a point where he knows I will come every time he beckons. Where its reached a point that he knows I love him, always remembers that, perhaps feels immune to that.

We fought today. In those silent fighting ways I am so accustomed to. When I turn my feelings inside and become cold. When my face is a blank unfeeling mask. Except he was'nt there to appreciate it. He was off on his own, doing his own things. As he puts it, he had made plans for today. And obviously it didnt involve me.

The land of us isnt pretty sometimes. And days like today makes me question if its even worth it? To be so in love with someone you end up forgetting to love yourself first and foremost.

Watching him work. Him walking to me. His head in my neck. His kisses on my cheeks and my lips. Watching him laugh. Smile.

I fall deeper in love with him