Ive gotten older. My dancing shoes hung high tucked away. My skimpy outfits folded and set aside. I cover my skin now, more conscious of social pressures to look as classy as a woman my age should. I do not shed my jeans now, or my mini skirts now, because sometimes I still need to return to the she I was before.

I miss it sometimes, the life I had left behind when I stepped into the Boyfriends arms. He doesnt bind me himself (God bless him), but through him I feel like growing up, settling down, slowing down more. We talked about it, many times before. Of the things we've always promised ourselves we've wanted to do. Ive wanted to climb a mountain, finish a marathon, volunteer, travel to small towns, leave, return, study, read, to enjoy art in its purest form, to learn to dance again. He's wanted to do oh so many things to, to travel, join the equestrian club, run more, learn french cooking.

We both wanted so many things before us happened.

We want to keep our lives the way it was. To hang out with other people, to do other things. To not be joint at the hip. After all it becomes boring sometimes to realize that almost everything you do you do with each other. We need breathing space too sometimes.

The woman I was was colder, soulless. The Ice Queen he used to dub me at my uncanny abilities to switch my emotions on and off.

The woman I am now is warmer, mushier, I cry easier, I love easier.

Yes, sometimes I miss that other woman so much.

I need to figure it out somehow, to still be able to do the things Ive wanted to do, to hang out with other people, to make new friends, yet to still spend time with him. To enjoy each others company. It is a balancing act trying to separate the Me and the Us.

I dont want to suffocate him, like I did The Doctor. I dont want to want to be with him always.

Its not that easy. I still dont know how.

Special shout out to the friends up in HK! May this story bring many a cheers to your face

***

This weekend the Boyfriend (Buddy will henceforth be named as what he really is); got kidnapped by yours truly and brought over to a quiet place in the middle of nowhere. With the gurgling streams and the whispers of crickets (though essentially the night ended with me walking over to the neighbours to tell them to TURN DOWN THE MUSIC and me waking up in the morning and walking to the bbq pit to yell at them to TURN DOWN THE MUSIC - dear Writer, my memories of this place was not as quiet as yours)

So we talked and laughed and loved and all that jazz.

In the morning as we were taking a shower I asked him if I could borrow his toothpaste. He said sure go ahead. So I walk over to his ziploc bag, take out his toothpaste and start brushing my teeth. It didnt foam as much, so I was thinking perhaps he uses an herbal toothpaste that doesnt foam.

I pick up the tube.

'Acne treatment cream'

I start spluttering and the Boyfriend peeps from behind the shower curtain. I show him the tube (whilst continuously spluttering) and watch his face turn to sheer horror.

"keep on rinsing!!!"

Its nice to know he loves me enough to worry about my getting poisoned

- The end -

Last year I had a colleague, a friend. We got along fine, sometimes we would hang out after work. Have coffee, talk about life.

I always suspected he had a little crush on me. An idea I never wanted to or got to test. But his constant calling to hang out, him dropping little hints about girls he likes. All these little things as a woman who has gone out on many dates, caused some affairs and fallen in love so many times would be able to tell.

But I let it be, and went on with my life and he with his.

Then during an excursion away, I went on with my wanton and sinful ways. The men I chose were of varying levels and walks of life. Some people know of, many of whom save for my roommate knew about.

On one of those nights in my stupid slumber I could barely stand up straight and ended up leaning on a few people. All in the name of good fun mind you.

Now he, being the avid photographer that he is, decided to snap a picture of me in my drunken state slumped over a superior. Needless to say, I did not look oh so flattering.

Thing is, the next day I had talked to him, told him about how I was so stupid the night before. About my worries and concerns that I would be labeled as something around the office.

He listened to me.

And when all of us came back from the excursion, he decided to send this picture out to EVERYONE in my southeast asian office. Partners, Managing Directors, Head of SEA, you name it, he had sent it out.

My shock horror at being ridiculously stabbed in the back was so great I was stupefied.

Some good friends then decided to delete the picture from the folders. But of course the damage was done.

I got called in and talked to by THREE separate Managers, I spoke to the Head of SEA. I was talked about around the office.

When someone asked this 'friend' of mine why he did it. He just brushed it off saying if I didnt want it to have been circulated, I shouldnt have done it. In fact, he finished off the conversation by saying, "oh everyone knows anyway"

All this after I had told him how I felt about that night.
I walked away from the friendship. Never looked back. When his gf asked me to his birthday party I declined. When someone suggested farewell drinks, I declined.

I was the happiest person to see him leave when he did.

Then he decided 5 months later to come back as life would not give him the job he wanted in a country far away.

He came back and recently has been going after a fellow colleague. The drama in the office heighthened by the fact that they both had partners. She, having split with her recent boyfriend, him deciding after having her close enough in his grasp to leave his gf.

A large part of me wanted to destroy him at this point. Whilst he was hanging out far too much with her I thought about informing his gf. I thought about posting up the ridiculous pictures of them together on the pantry of our office. Or better yet to email it out to everyone with the subject : CHEATER

I wanted to destroy him so bad. I still do.
But being with Buddy changed that for me. If I was alone, I wouldnt mind, I wouldnt worry about throwing myself in the vindictive role of ex friend. I would have gone that extra mile to see if I could just step on him, kill his career as he attempted to kill mine.

But Im with him, and loving him. The hardest thing to do, is to acknowledge when something is right or something is wrong. To be bigger than you would like to be. To step away from something.

Because I love him. And I dont want to turn into this ugly crazy gf who's wrath stretches on forever.

And I know. Karma will come and kick his arse. One day soon

Check out randomalphabets.com for the moment of solidarity in KL. A group of ppl decided to come together for a flash mob. Instead of yelling and protesting though, this time all they did was to "freeze" mid-movement to show that regardless of race, age, gender, sexual preferences, ideas. We are all and can all be united as one.

So Buddy and I were walking around the mall today for our regular Sunday brunch when my sister sends me an sms to let me know about this event. Coincidence enough we were at the exact location that they had mentioned they were going to.

We walked around, Buddy and I. I looking crappier than most times with my hair just got shoved and rubbed against a fuzzy rug look without makeup or heels on.

We reach the site and lo and behold! everyone had freezed! It was quite funny actually. There were some who were bending down to tie shoelaces, some who were talking etc. Everyone just froze. So Buddy walks me over all excitedly (I thought dear god please do not let this man walk around poking all these frozen ppl) and he stops and freezes. Holding on to his arm, I had no choice but to freeze with him.

We waited four minutes while shoppers milled around surprised at what was going on, not truly comprehending. People came around snapping pictures and some directly at us, after all he was the only foreigner there involved. And to be holding hands with a local girl! Right up their propaganda alley.

Four minutes later everyone just starts walking away. Shocked a few people I think. Hahahhaha.

Then it hit us both, no one knows that were dating. And it turned out this was going to be on the news! and the websites! eeepppsssss!

Ah well. Buddy turns to me. And says
Yea, I wanted people to see, Im white and she's brown, and were happy together

*edit - over 1,000 people strong... Its nice to see the next generation can make a change*

It is easy to want Independence, to crave Independence.
It is not so easy to handle Independence.

The road to truly being Independent is rocky, scruffy, often lonely. But once you get past the hurdles and the sharp falls and the deep bends, then you know you have made it. You realize your survival instincts are honed and sharp.

It means being left along in the dirt, hungry, poor, depressed and starved. It means not remembering if anyone loved you or cared for you or even wanted to be with you. It puts you on a path of self- discovery to truly understand who you are. To know your limitations, to live within the means you have set yourself.

I think sometimes people have very different misconceptions of Independence. You cannot claim to be one but be dependent on others. It goes against the very grain of your core.

Maybe thats just me, but when did I truly realize I was independent? When Ive gone through depression, hunger, intense material jealousy and utter cynicism of the world we live in. It was countless hours crying, trying to figure things out, trying to dig myself out of the mess I had fallen into. When it was me, myself and I, trying to solve the problems that I had created.

Maybe some ppl are luckier than me, and they dont need to fall so low to realize how far theyve come. But one cannot be independent and still demand from others. Thats not independence, thats just denial

I take a long hot shower. Slather soap, shampoo, conditioner.
I walk out towel dry, blow my hair, straighten it.
I lotion my body up, my body down. Extra moisturizer on my face before I go to bed.
Brush my teeth, visit the dentist
I go to the hairdressers, treat my hair, cut my hair, shape my hair, mask my hair.
I get my feet rubbed, and scrubbed, lotions and painted.
I buy new outfits, try on different colors.
I meet you in my best lingerie, my best outfit.

My shoes are high to accentuate the legs you love wrapped around you.
My handbag sure to match my outfit.

Makeup minimalist just the way you like it.

I walk in, and you dont notice it.
You notice me instead. Inside, the woman inside.

I love you for it. And for sometimes whispering to me...
you look pretty when the sun is coming down behind you and golden rays dance on your skin

And your hands trace the lace of my body. And your lips dance over the crook of my neck. When you slowly unwrap me like a gift. When I lay down next to you. When we see ourselves in the mirror and realize ... no matter how beautiful I feel all dressed up. I feel most beautiful deliciously naked besides you

Am so tired.
So exhausted.
Need sleep