What is the point of a blog? Some people write to share their stories, to update loved ones. Some people use it as a creative means to get ideas out. Some even more as a place to rant and rave about things known and unknown.

I am no novice to blogging. Most of you have been with me through my numerous ones. Each time I have left I allow you some way to find me again. So that my life and yours remains intermingled always. Though we never meet, you will know of what happens to me and the drama-ness in my life.

But

My thoughts are poison

They murk the water of my relationship. Sour friendships. Because my blog as most blogs are, is one-sided. I tell you stories of my pain, wrongs done to me. The people I speak about have no voice to retaliate and you would have to hope that I have given a balanced and just move

Sometimes I do not

After all, I am only human

Over the course of the years I have met many men, men I laugh about and regale you stories with. Men that I dramatize with nicknames and such and all the while hoping that I would meet one that lasts.

In recent years, I met someone that means a lot to me. He lifted me up when I was angry and depressed. Brought sunshine and sunflowers into my life. Yes, we have issues, and yes we get angry and we fight a lot. But what relationships dont? And the biggest question that I have to answer for myself is if he is worth fighting for. And if we are worth fighting for.

My relationship means too much to me to poison. My friendships means too much for me to break. And I am too tired of continuously hurting and hurting others. Here or anywhere else.

I am leaving.

This room, this empty room was for me to come in and to scream and yell and rant. But this room over the course of time has been filled with eyes and ears of people who do actually know me. Who do actually cross paths with me. This room isnt needed anymore. When I have thoughts that hurt me I should not let them be publicly known. When I am angry and frustrated, sad and heartbroken, no one except the people involved should have to know.

So goodbye my friends. After more than five years, has it been eight now? it is time for me to bid you a real and final goodbye. I am liberating myself from the chains of my thoughts and I will run free and soar the skies.

Wish me well as I wish you well and perhaps one day our paths will cross again

Cheers

I guess some people were just not as excited and couldnt wait to see me as I did them

Mood : Annoyed, angry, sad and heartbroken

Tell me something, tell me anything. Tell me about your life about the smell the sun the skies. Tell me about the place where you run to, about the office you work from. About your house about your life.

Tell me.

Tell me about seeing dots flying in the sky. About the way the city looks, the city sounds. Of the food that you eat, the places you see.

Tell me something.

Tell me anything. Anything that lets me know who you are. Who you are becoming, while youre away from me. The hopes that you have. The dreams that you want.

Or tell me nothing. Hush.

But hold me close forever more

Were we young once? Broken battered and beaten by life. Till we reached the depth of our madness and saw in each other similar tattered souls.

How did we survive then? Adventures aplenty. We travelled the world, conquered the men and regalled each other with our battle scars.

How old are we now? Wisened? slow? sages tired of climbing this mountain of life?

But we were there, you and I. To hell and back and back again.

I wish you well Writer. I wish you all the love and joy in the world and hopes for happiness to you. Regardless of what happens, Ive always known, you are fiercely loyal and honorable.

Thanks for the email. I know you didnt have to, which is why I was so honored when you did

Ive been sent down under, to a country filled with people who would get in line (because there is a line!), a city filled with people where you end up walking fast to avoid everyone. A country where taxi drivers dont really know how to drive and being inside one makes me want to vomit every single time.

I had brunch with some colleagues yesterday and spied a grandfather with a cute grandson, just sitting on a bench by the water watching life go by. The grandfather was really old, and the grandson really young. And as I sat there watching them watching life, I felt my clock ticking too. Would my father be able to hold my son? Would my mother be able to play with my daughter? When would this inevitable family landscape come by? I am 27 this year, by no means old, but by no means young. Conversations with my female colleagues highlights how so many of us in this line of work have had miscarriages, are unable to conceive. The largest failure of us as a woman.

I am by no means old, but I do think about these things. I do worry if I would inevitably be able to bring a child into this world. If I wait too late, what are the implications? would it be harder for me? and if its late, then what? what would be worse than not being alive when your children get married, what would it be like to be sending them off to college when I am in my 50's? my 60's?

But I am young still. I love life as it is right now. I love the ability to just pick up and leave. Of being able to travel wherever I want to go. I love that life is just about me right now. No complications. What will happen when I have a child? What will happen if I dont get along with the Father?

And then of course, there is indeed that. What about the father? Who is that man who will be with me (hopefully) for the rest of my life? Who is this man who would love to wake up next to me in the morning and look forward to coming home to me and our children. Who is this man who would be the father? who would guide and advice, who would be my partner in life?

So many questions, so few answers. And as the clock chimes 27 this year, I wonder, how much time is there left?

I guess its been a while since I bitched about work. But yes, things were good for the past 4 months or so (work-wise). I had been working together with The Boyfriend (was certainly not one of the best ideas), but had been working in my home country with amazing (almost normal!) hours of going back at 6:30-7:00 p.m. every day. I knew then that this was an anomaly. That this was the best kind of project Ive had in my 3.5 some years working in this industry.

No rose tinted glasses here baby

But I also knew, it was a sweet dream I was going to wake up from. I knew it was going to be back to working long late hours, feeling insecure and inferior and just hating life in general.

And it is.

The difficulty of having The Boyfriend leave the industry is that I dont think he sees things the way things used to be anymore. I think in general, people who are not in this industry cannot truly understand or emphatize. Questions keep on coming "Why do this?"

Which is what Ive asked myself in the past year or so

"Why keep on doing this?"

Honestly, I am SO tempted to just quit and bum around for three months or so. After all, I have the savings to be able to do it. So why not?

Well, I do want to have something else firm in mind before I decide to just quit cold turkey. Im still risk averse that way

But yeah, I think Im going to just tell my new employers (once I can find one) that I want to take off for 3 months or so before starting work again.

What do I do in 3 months? Honestly I have no idea. But perhaps thats the best idea of all =)