Memories. Hundreds, thousands, millions little moments of my life. Little bubbles blowing up as I walk around the four corners of an old house. The staircase banister my brother and I used to slide down with my mother yelling, worried we might fall. The cold marble floor that my family and I used to sleep on. Flattening every inch of our body against the cold when the electricity failed. The bed I used to cry myself to sleep to every night when I mended a broken heart. My table, now gone, where I used to spend hours sitting, reading, studying. The beds, shared between my sister and I. The little magical world underneath that I used to hide in when my sister and brother thought it would be fun to bully me. The head of my parents bed, where we all used to sleep together. Where my brother and I spent late nights playing monopoly. Where my mother used to hold us close and tell us bedtime stories. Where I once jumped up and down and twirled around and insisted that I wanted to be a ballerina. Insisted so bad my parents gave in and sent me to classes.

Memories. Pockets of them. So small as I packed them all away. Little by little. Pieces by pieces. Bags and bags of trash. Bags and bags of things to give away. Do we still need them now? these clothes from the 80's? My baby bottle? the coupons my mother used to cut to buy diapers with? Do we need them now? pictures of my father, young and handsome. Laughing as though he was about to conquer the world? My grandmothers organizer. The remnants of her that my mother clings on to? as though knowing what she had planned one early September morning will keep her alive?

So we pack them all away. We clean. We purge. In between it all, we hold remnants of the memories we have all had tucked away. The tears, the laughter, the broken hearts and the broken arm. Twenty years on, we are finally putting our ashes to rest.

Sigh... Ive been househunting for so long now. I still have no place to call my own

Sometimes I can be superstitious. An old one that we know about is that when a person dreams about a snake, it generally means somebody is about to propose to you.

Last night I dreamt I was in a car with The Boyfriend. I dreamt a kitten was running around our legs. And then a snake. A baby cobra with gray scales and pink rings around it. Slithering between our legs and bags and on top of our bags. Remarkably close to the kitten

I remember worrying that the snake was going to bite The Boyfriend. And I tried to get him out of the car. The snake having slithered near the kitten, came out as well.

And then I bashed it and killed it with my high heels.

Each time I smacked its head it returned with a hiss, until it eventually died.

So...

Am I trying to kill the idea of marriage here?

1) Kindle
2) Miu Miu wallet
3) Tods flats
4) House

HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE

Im still trying to not spend money.

Week 3 of no shopping... withdrawal symptoms showing....

*and luckily The Boyfriend won a Kindle, and is giving it to me!!

tick-tock, tick-tock

time is running out

Brazilian wax + visit to Gyne = AWKWARD!

Its not goodbye is it now? Or I most certainly hope not.

I miss you already

How do I tell you,
Thank you.
A glimpse of a shadow out of the corner of my eye,
You stray in and out of my life,
Especially most needed.

How do I tell you,
Thank you.
Loyalty has no meaning between us,
Friendship means nothing between us
We have known each other what five? six? years now?

Our messages ebbing between hurt and pain
sunshine and darkness
daffodils and thorns
and sunflowers

But it is always love
That we speak off,
You and me,
Sometimes I wonder if you are the only person who really knows me
The only person who really 'gets' me
You understand
My twistedness

After all,
You were there with me through it all
Through my finding my self
Through my grasping my identity
Through tears, and laughter, soul searching and love searching
Through gothic times, and rebel times, and sunshiny times

So, I guess, I dont say thank you
Because thanks isnt really what we would expect of each other
What we wish for is love, and happiness, and joy
For one another

Youve wished it so many times for me

Enough self obsession
Enough self delusion

How are you Muse?
I love the reminder of your soul

Its funny sometimes, how we only hurt the people we love. There is a sense of decency somehow amongst the public, that stops us from going that one step lower to trade snide comments and insults. From hurling the absolute (and most painful) truth at someone.

But with our loved ones, we tend to drop our guard more. By sharing our life and our love with them, we supply them with the ammunition to hurt us. By telling them our secrets, our deepest darkest fears, our hopes and our dreams no matter how silly it may seem; we supply them the knife that will inevitably someday cut us.

I witness it a lot, especially since my day to day interaction involves a lot of interaction with couples. Even though I am there, or perhaps because I am there, couples bring out the barbed wire, the fences, and wring it around their partners neck as though it was a joke. And perhaps they really think about it that way, especially when there is an audience nearby.

But why do we do it? air our punishments in public. If there is a trait about her that you dont really like, why should you announce to the world your partners downsides. If he comments on another girl, why must you make snide comments about his past cheating ways.

Why punish in public? or why punish at all?

Its scary, that we do this to ourselves. All of us. After all, we are only human. And in time of anger, and hurt, the only thing you want to do is hurt them back. Try to make them suffer as much as you did. So you do it, pull out everything from the 'deep dark trusting closet' in which they had deposited all parts of their soul with you. You take it all out, and you hurl it at them.

That childhood dream that youve always longed to achieve - Idiot and childish idea
That job that you want to get - You'll never make it or survive there
That dress that you like - makes you look like an elephant/ whore

It makes me wonder sometimes. Why should relationships inevitably fall this way? Ive always thought you would love each other more as days go by. That the quirks becomes the only quirk that you can count on being there.

One day when your partner dies, you may only recount these moments. These lapses in time but a big black burning hole in your partners soul when you had hurled an abuse, an insult, a comment that brings them down. And you would probably wonder, why didnt you treat them better. That you did indeed love that funny thing she did when she slept.

Why cant lovers just treat each other well.

Is it possible to visit your Boyfriends family without the expectation of getting married?

Apparently, according to all social conventions, No.

I am tired of having to deal with all these conversations where everyone asks me how my trip to see my 'In-laws' went. I am tired of the little winks and giggles of when am I going to be married. Tired of smiling and pretending to not matter.

wtf dude, its none of your business.

Thing is, The Boyfriend and I talked about it before. I told him that the "Asian" in me feels that after dating for two years, it is common courtesy to see the family once in a while. You know, just drop by and be like "oh hey, yeah Im the person she spends a lot of time with". It has nothing to do with wanting to get married, or wanting children, or anything like that. Its more as a sign of respect to your parents, of not going behind their back.

So for me, going to spend time with his family was simply that. I would like to get to know his family better, to understand better the reasons and what has contributed to shaping my man into who he is today. I liked going back and seeing where he grew up, of seeing him in his own environment, in his own element to truly get to know who he is. For example, now I actually understand why he would be crazy enough to go to the snow covered mountains in the middle of winter (its called skiing)

Do I think about marriage? Yeah, sure I do. But do I see him inviting me over to spend the holidays with him as an indication that he wants to marry me? No I dont. Weve had talks about reasons to go down for a vacation, and indication of marriage was clearly not one of them. Testing the waters with his parents were clearly not one of them either.

So do me a favor. Next time you see me, feel free to ask me how my vacation went, did I have fun, was it cold, what did I do. But stop trying to make little jokes about in-laws or getting married or setting up shop or family or anything like that. Its a little annoying to be honest. Because when I do plan on getting married, dont worry, Im pretty sure Ill announce it to the world.

And the part that irks me as well, The Boyfriend never has anyone up in his grill all about it. Whats up with that? Am I the less scary person so people feel like they can say those things to me?