The Boyfriend and I can be quite anal sometimes. In our line of work, we become trained to be organized and efficient. We get trained to really a lot more on Excel. In me, it has helped to harness the organization that only comes with a job where every second does count. Every dollar does matter

So which is why we both have quite tight control over our personal accounts.

The Boyfriend sets out a yearly budget on how much he spends for shopping. You know, clothes/ shoes/ accessories/ etc. I instead will assess every situation and decide then and there if I
a) Need it
b) Can afford it

Needless to say, with it being the year end and all, we started cleaning up our accounts again. And for the first time... ever! I summed up all that I had spent shopping this year and last...

... and I had never felt more disgusted with myself.

I will spare you the details except to say that my spending was within the realm of a five figure digit and was easily twice as much as The Boyfriend. As I looked back into a few years trends (I am that particular with my accounts) I realized that it was pretty much as expected. In my first two years working, I spent an even more ludicrous amounts then I did in my third year of working. I guess it went with the whole feeling Ive had since end of last year where I realized, I no longer wanted to buy EVERYTHING. I became more selective. Deciding to buy something only if and when it really made sense. So even though the amount was still crazy, at the very least it was less than my first two years.

I decided to try and be practical about things. Try to avoid buying a million cheaper shoes (some of which have resulted in me having a sprained ankle) but instead to just buy one pair of really good shoes and to wear it until it breaks down. No more skirts, no more suit jackets as I have already amassed what I think is clearly a sufficient amount. More discipline in my purchases.

But then of course since its year end, its also bonus time, and this time it wasnt amazing, but it wasnt so bad. So I decided to get the two things that I had really wanted for a while now, and had planned to buy

A pair of sensible black shoes for work
A belt Ive been eye-ing for more than half a year now

I was talking to my colleague about bonus when he pointed out that I had actually read the wrong line... and that my bonus was 5 digits smaller than what I had thought I had received


AFTER I HAD BOUGHT MYSELF CHRISTIAN DIOR SHOES AND LOUIS VUITTON BELT!!!!

*cries*

Ive been deprived of sleep for a while now... Perhaps ever since I came back from Egypt and this fiasco erupted in my face. I dread going to bed since I know I will wake up in the middle of the night. At least once, and wake up fully not well rested. The nightmares of the night before vivid in my head.

I dont know what to do anymore. I exercise to tire my body out. I try to meditate right before I go to bed. I breathe, and place myself inside this emotionless box inside my head where I know no pain, no pleasure. But it still doesnt help. It reminds me of my old ways and my old days when it was so much easier to feel nothing. Hope for nothing. Want for nothing. Because then, at least then, you feel no pain, no frustration, no annoyance, no anger, no jealousy, no betrayal of your head over your heart or your heart over your head. When you no longer know what is real and what is imaginary. When your paranoia eats at your heart so much you go to bed even more uncertain than the night before. Even less trusting

I am tired. I am tired because I cant sleep and I cant sleep because my days are spent working and watching and my brain goes into overdrive over analysing everything. I am tired because I am over thinking, over worried, over stressed, and then I go to bed and have nightmares about it. Every night... and I wake up even more tired, stressed and paranoid than the day before.

I dont know what else to do anymore. I think my last resort is to just go back to sleeping pills. Or the anti-depressents I used to take in college. Just something... anything, to at least let me get a good nights rest... so that I can wake up with a cleared mind, rested, and hopefully, one day, with no paranoia

Or am I just simply, too damaged and broken to truly trust again? and that this is the way my soul is trying to tell me?

*** update
Cough syrup... the one that has a label "This may cause drowsiness". I think that could help in the short run

oh wow...

How could I forget these...

http://www.thehiddenbookcase.com/sweet_valley_twins_books.html

they were SO important to me growing up. I still have the collection. All yellowed pages and brittle and all. I cant wait to pass it on to my kids.

There are some that I realize I dont have though.. may need to go through the list again and order books that I dont have

so.... everyone lies right? I mean sure there are BIG BIG lies, then there are little white lies. Then there are lies where you dont want them to know the truth because it might hurt them more, cause more grief than anything good.

So you lie.

But what if, for that last type of lie, the person finds out? or worse still, suspects that youre not telling the truth. They dont feel good because they seriously suspect that there is no way that was the truth. And they find out later that you had lied, and would be reluctant to believe you in the future

Is the lie worth it then? This zero negative game where you gain nothing by lying but lose so much more by doing so. Or should we live always assuming that we will get caught. That something bad would happen if we did lie.

Then everyone could trust everyone else... right?

And what happens when you do catch someone in a lie. Whats the best way to handle it? Throwing it back at them and telling them there's no way that was true? Saying nothing but believing nothing from then on?

I think everyone has this radar where they can tell when someone else is lying... especially those who dont lie often... coz when they do... theyre pretty bad at it

Hello you!
Why hello!
How are you
I am fine.
Smile. Smile. Smile
Laugh laugh
nod

I like you box.
Your padded walls
so soft and bouncy
Bouncy bouncy bouncy

Its a little quiet in here
But thats ok
I can talk to you right mr. box.
chat chat chat
after all some say I talk to much
but here in my little box
I could talk to you all day
And you wouldnt complain

Would you mr. box?
No you wouldnt

Its a little lonely here
sitting in my box.
but you know what
there is nothing here.
emptiness
perfect emptiness
no pain
no anger
no frustration
and I sleep! so well
in my little padded box

No happiness as well
No love
No joy
(But you know what mr.box, Ive always thought happiness and love and jow was a little overrated... dont you?)

I paste a picture on your wall
A field of sunflowers

I sit
I watch it
I see it slowly swaying in the wind
I imagine the sun
shinging down on me
I imagine the breeze
blowing against me

Sometimes there is no difference is there?
Living in a box
its just like living outside
when you have the picture in your mind
you can pretend you move around all day
imagine oh the places you would go

but you dont have to
because its safe here
in my padded postered box

and no one can touch you here
Not even you!