I was having dinner tonight with a colleague of mine. We talked about so much, about race, religion, choice of religion, choice of partner, deal breakers in a partner, conservative parents, travelling the world, choosing where to settle down, name of children, childrens future options, how tradition plays a part in raising children, how is religious imposed on other people, on families, how families should stick together, when families dont stick together.

It was easy for us, the conversation just went on and on. And I thought to myself...

"Why am I not having this conversation with my boyfriend?"

Has time gone by so fast and we are so busy that we have forgotten who we are? That we have stopped taking the time to get to know each other?

The last time I saw him, we barely exchanged proper conversations. I always felt that he was on the verge of being defensive, of being cranky, of just being tired and not wanting to talk to me. So we didnt, I left him alone. I spoke to my friends, laughed with them, and let him do what he wanted to do.

Have we gotten so tired by life that we cant put in the effort to find out who the other person is? Or as he had put it before, when we started going out, we were curious, it was exciting, you wanted to learn everything about the other person

Are we past that point now?

What happened to the us that used to laze in bed and talk with my head pressed deep into your chest. What happened to the us that talked to each other while cooking in the kitchen? What happened to the us, sitting on the sofa, across a dining room table holding hands and unearthing the histor of each others minds and hearts?

We dont talk about future plans, future hopes, how children should be raised, how investments should be split. We make no reference beyond the here and now, and maybe now weve expanded a little to include the soon-to-be's... a month down the road...

We have no plans of you and me and us and the future. So is there really one?

Where are we when we dont have conversations? When I always feel that to talk to you I will end up annoying you, you will end up angry or cranky or grumpy at something Ive said. So I shut up and tune out and we go about and be ok with the silence of each other. Rather than fill it with incessant noise, of empty one sided conversations

Or do we really not care about the same things anymore?

Sometimes it is more important to judge by the silence. If you can survive a silence, you can survive a conversation right?

But what happens when there is no conversation to survive? What happens if we grow old together, and my dancing feet stop dancing, and our travelling feet stop travelling, when the children grow up and move out, when we are too lazy to go out.

Will we talk then? How much would we need to catch up on then? a lifetime of conversation. Of knowing what the other person had hoped and dreamed about. How the other person sees things. Will we know each others philosophies? Will we know the true belief the other person has?

And if we do not talk, will we laugh? how do we create joyous sounds in our home if there was no voice to build it?

Will there be silence... of perfect strangers living in perfect harmony?

Please god, if you are there...

Let there be raucous cacophonous sounds in my life. Let it be filled with conversation and laughter and joy. Let there be sound and merriment, arguments and apologies

And when that is all over, let there be a smile on my face from all the conversations we've had, of all the laughter you had created in me. And then, finally then, let the silence be all the conversation we would ever need, let your hand in mine be our secret language...

but then, and only then....

An ex colleague of mine put up some pictures of her recent trip to Venice. It brought back a lot of colorful memories for me. After all that was what Venice had. Color. Lots and lots and lots of color.

But it also reminded me of a really good survival story.

I went to Venice as a student with a very good friend of mine, lets just call her Bicycle (dont ask me, insiders joke). So anyway, the Bicycle and I had been studying in Paris at that time and we decided, hey ! lets go travel to Venice.

I remember the journey there, being on the train, looking out the window and seeing water. Its surreal enough to feel as though youre passing right through the ocean, but suddenly seeing buildings pop out from the water... even more incredible

We were staying at a youth hostel, which turned out to be an apartment with 4 beds that we shared with other people. We had to scout like crazy for the owner just to get into the apartment! The main area of Venice (you know, the one with the famous Rialto Bridge) is mainly for tourists. Im serious, you cant really find locals on this side. If you want to see the locals, and see the famed Murano glass, youre gonna have to leave your comfort zone.

Venice had cups of coffee at about 3-4 Euros... I wanted to die.

But the great thing about Venice? Yeap, that survival story about Venice?

They had LARGE pizza slices going for about one to one fifty Euro... EACH.

Now, thats a meal right there.

So if you wanna survive Venice and their super expensive tourist exclusive prices, just walk around a bit (I found some good ones close to the bus station) and look around for those cheap and delicious single slices of pizza that would fill you up for a few hours.

And if you want dessert! Gelato's were going for about one Euro each too. I know because I had mine first thing in the morning in a market, and a man walked by to comment how much I looked like I was enjoying my gelato

Enjoy yours too!

We arrive amidst the chaos of New Delhi. A lost wallet becomes a stolen wallet as The Boyfriend and I wait in the terminal for the airplane cleaners to be checked. No luck, it is now 12 a.m. and The Boyfriend and I leave one wallet less (his) and check into a hotel 30 minutes away.

The Boyfriend stays awake, late, and we had to leave at 5 a.m. to catch our next flight. India does not seem to start so well for him and I.

***

We arrive in Udaipur. Land and take in the clean clean air. It is the first thing you notice. The second, the lack of any sound. You are surrounded by the Indian mountains, breathing clean air and not a sound... Udaipur greeted us silently. Books had warned us of touts at the airport trying to bring you to the hotels you 'booked'. But no one bothered us, in fact no one even stirred. They rather much sat by themselves, taking in the breeze. The laid back feel that welcomed us set the pace for our time there in Udaipur.

We stayed at Jagat Niwas, a heritage hotel facing the famous Pichola Lake. The Lake Palace resplendent in the middle of the waters with the mountains behind it and Monsoon Palace perched up on the top. I was ecstatic. The hotel was amazing. I imagined it would be how Mykonos would be, with its white white washed wall and spanish terrace and steps.

We took a much needed long nap, and awoke just in time to bring ourselves out past 3 p.m and took in some food at a rooftop cafe. Udaipur is filled with these, these rooftoop cafes. And as we sat there eating, an elephant rumbles by below us, winding its way through the winding streets.

The Boyfriend and I opted to walk then... All over the town with its winding streets not unlike Europe. We stopped to watch two men deep fry jalapenos coated in spice and giggled as the owner gave us one for free when he couldnt break our bill. Delicious. Absolutely delics

The streets lead to I have no idea where, and The Boyfriend leads me past streets selling sarees, streets selling shoes, wet markets, dry markets, and somehow... he brings me back to where we started. Sweaty and tired, we slowly make our way back to the hotel. Saying hello to our roof top waiter when we see him much later.

We go back to our hotel and walk around a little, to find ourselves the terrace restaurant! Our lonely planet assures us the food is good and it deff does not dissapoint. Absolutely delicious, with The Boyfriend beside me, the sun coming down on the lake and the City Palace illuminated in the background. What more could I ask for?!

The next morning we set off early to walk around the City Palace. It takes much longer than expected and we come out sweaty, thirsty and tired. Decided to go on a boat cruise around the Lake. I had been warned by a colleague who had visited, who said he has seen people use the Lake as a toilet and told me to never put my hands in the water no matter how tempted I might be.

We let the slow boat build a breeze and walk a little on land. We decide to go for a late lunch at Queen Cafe, all the way on the other side. It was well worth the trip.
The cafe is small and inconspicuous on a small lane. There is only one table in a darkly lit semi basement and a floor space on the split level. We moved from downstairs to upstairs only to find ourselves in the company of a sleeping young girl who was immune to the hustle and bustle of all these tourists coming by.

The food amazing, the proprieter a lovely lady who had been cooking for a while while bringing up her two kids - I find out, she is my age. What a difference!

She recommends us to go to Sunset Gardens, warns us that Monsoon Palace is overrated. So we go, and find ourselves in the company of locals who decided to use the cable car. The sunset breathtaking I slowly walk down the slopes. Occassionaly my hand slipped in his.

We go back to take a quick shower (thank god! Jagat Niwas had a good bathroom and allowed us to take a shower even though we checked out) and headed out! for our overnight train to Jaipur....

and another adventure continues...

I am near tears tonight. Blame it on my hormones, blame it on my missing The Boyfriend. Blame it on endless thoughts of a bleak bleak future.

It hits you hard, suddenly. The pangs of being in a job you do not particularly like. At a stress level you know is leaving you thinking you're not smart enough, good enough. The thoughts of a future where you are going day in, day out, doing something you really couldnt care less about. Something that is slowly eating out your social diary, your soul.

I sold my soul for too cheap I guess.

Why dont I quit you say? Because inside I am a coward and the thought of being jobless is scary if not still freeing. I know that when I leave, even in these economic times, I can find a job anywhere, doing anything. If I am willing to demote myself, decrease my pay, and join an organization where politics is rife, where accountability is close to none and I can punch my card out of the office guilt-free at 6 p.m. So why not? Because inside I am still worried that if I make one wrong move now, I would never be able to rise up again. That even though Im burnt out, worn out, disechanted now, I am afraid by going into Middle Management I will get lost. Unknown. And back to doing something I dont really care about. This time with less stress, less pay but at least with the ability to have a life.

Ive thought about leaving the company. Looked around today and there is an opportunity to join an international jeans company. Its retail, fashion. Job seems intresting, timelines seems much longer than usual. Its in a foreign country, and though the country seems boring, the prospect of doing something I could actually enjoy seems ideal.

But the thought of leaving behind The Boyfriend breaks my heart. I couldnt do it. Even now when he leaves me weekly to go and work, my heart breaks a little when we kiss and say goodbye. I am ok all the way until I get back to my empty home. And then the emptiness kicks in. And sometimes the reminder, the realization, that he still doesnt know if he loves me kicks in.

Why dont I leave him? you say. And I cant. I just cant. My heart is too full with happiness every time we are together, every time I hear his voice. His eyes locked on mine. Our kisses. Him telling me he likes holding my hands. Small things, big things. I love him too much to ever think of leaving him. No matter how he feels about me. The pain of a half-known relationship. The feeling that I cannot bury no matter how hard I try to put my stoic face up and pretend it doesnt hurt.

I know to be happy I need to be happy inside. To love myself first and not have someone validate my love. But its not easy sometimes. Staring into a mirror. Sitting in your big empty house. Thinking about yet another stressful model you need to build that you have no idea how to go about doing. When the one person you want to just hold you and kiss you and stroke your hair is gone into another country, another frame of mind. And knowing, how rich you could be. Without that other person, this life might as well be empty

Sometimes on bad days I feel like I have nothing left here, except for broken hearts, broken dreams. A closet full of clothes, a bank account full of money I cant use for the things I really want. A man I want to want me back, but one I cannot force. A future that I wish was bright, but one where I cant figure out which hue to cast

I love afternoons with you. Lazy mornings.

The moments after we wake up and you swing your arm around me, wrapping me in. The moments when your scent, your smell, sinks into my skin.

I love our little conversations in the morning. Lazing in bed, just talking, just connecting.

I love looking at your face with the afternoon sun rolling in. Kissing. As we curl up in your nest of sheets.

2 Weeks of setting up and getting the lay of the land
5 nights (total) of working till 3 a.m.

FINISHED THE FUCKING MODEL ON MARKET SIZING!!!!!
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*dances*

ok la... just hope the number actually makes sense...

I walk into my house, hoping for the whir of the air conditioner, a pair of shoes on the floor. A stir from the bed.

Nothing...

I visit my friends. One of whom slowly hides behind the door and closes it sureptitiously... I thought I hear his voice, and wait for him to spring out at me from behind the closed door.

Nothing...

Im on my way down on the elevator, I open the door, hoping to see the lights on, luggage on the floor.

Nothing...

Thats the problem with having your boyfriend surprise you with visits. Then you just hope, and anticipate that maybe, just maybe, he'll do it again. And you'll get to see him again.

I miss him. But I wont allow myself to feel that.

Healing still takes time, and Im not willing to jump in head first all over again.

At least I recognize that emotion now.