It's been a pretty chill birthday. Yesterday I arrived in the office and e-mailed The Boyfriend to let him know that it was a gloomy gloomy (weather wise) seriously gloomy day hear. He emails back and lets me know that it might cheer up in a bit

About an hour later I get a bouquet of roses from him. I was surprised and thought he had botched up the birthday date when I saw the card and saw the Happy Birthday on it. Then right at the bottom he had written P/s: I know its not your birthday, but wanted to make sure you could bring this back home. hahaha, how practical.

We had a semi fight last week I guess, when I ranted and wrote that angry post here. And somehow in between I had mentioned that when we started dating that much earlier on in the year, he promised me that I wont throw a pity party for my birthday this year. You see, up to maybe last year or the year before last or so, I used to celebrate it alone. At 21, it was a landmark birthday and I thought it would be even better to step up and do it alone. So I flew on my birthday, on the 22nd, I flew as well. And in the spirits of keeping with tradition, tonight I will fly again.

I guess he realized that I had looked forward to spending this birthday with him from the moment he told me I wasnt going to celebrate it alone this year. And somehow, meeting him at the airport terminal in between him coming back and my leaving was not what I had envisioned.

So he spoke to his boss, and said that today was non-negotiable. That he needed to be back in this country. I dont know if he told him why, I dont know if he sold his soul for the weekend in exchange. All I know is, somehow, he managed to secure time for us to be together.

He promises me surprises today. At 6p.m. sharp, I am to receive instructions. I am excited and cant wait. More than that all, I cant even describe how good it feels to have him want to do this for me.

At the stroke of midnight as the magical fireworks dance away, and I leave my prince. As my pumpkin carriage turns into an A380 and my mice horsemen turn into pilots. I leave him behind, and head to the dances, and the life of Spain.

Ill see you in two weeks!

These days or maybe historically its been ever since those days, people.. or more specifically my people, have always felt entitled.

They're entitled to land, they're entitled to education, they're entitled to money. Nowadays, it seems even worse than before, or maybe because people are even less subtle about it. Its all mine mine mine and that I have the divine right to get all these things.

Its so stupid. I fundamentally believe in working hard and reaping your just rewards. Why the hell should I sit here, working insane hours, stressed over my head just so that my money goes to covering your broke arse who's sitting there demanding money for food, and fuel subsidies and scholarships while you do nothing except go to the damn coffee shop, or race freaking motorcycles in the middle of the night.

Why the hell should I help you, if you're not even willing to try and help yourself.

The institutions that be insists that some of these things need to be in place to enable my people to become better, to beat other races. To earn enough to eat. Sure, fine, if you're from a village and are not exposed to the city/ uni and u need to be sent there, then I dont have that much of an issue with it. I do have an issue with you taking up the positions of other much much more hardworking people and slacking off! and spending time at uni of galivanting and having sex, and protesting god knows what and sitting in coffee shops doing nothing, or focusing so much on dating you forget why you're in uni in the first place. If you're going to take the spot of somebody else be better damn sure you deserve it. That you would work your arse off to prove that you deserve it.

Then of course my people complain about the suddenly gone gas subsidies. Perhaps if you stopped changing your fucking handphone every six months, or smoking... or perhaps if you tried to get promoted instead of punching in and out at the exact work second and never pushing yourself beyond what is necessary then you could afford the changes. Again you sit complacently without understanding why things are so.

Did our government fuck up with the economic planning, sure they did. But which gov wont fuck things up? And all you can do is blame blame blame without taking a closer harder look at what you can do with these 'harsh' cards you've been dealt.

Some people say to me, I dont understand, how can I understand. I make so much, Im educated, Im social, I travel the world.

Did you ever think of how much fucking hard work it took to get me here? It makes me even more ashamed to see my people not try and just demand demand demand for things they deem to be their 'divine' right.

Who the fuck said you deserved 'divine' right yo?

I try to help where I can. Give advice when solicited, help people, train people, look over their work. If you come to me and ask, I WILL help you. Because people helped me on my way up. Because I know you took the effort to try and make a change. I hate to open doors to people and have them not appreciate it. Not care about it.

When you are given an opportunity for change an improvement you must ALWAYS put 100% of your will behind it. Work your darndest to get it. Dont just say 'oh, thanks, gee whatever'.

People say, you dont understand, you never failed.

I failed so many times, thats why I am here where I am today

Fucking get a job people. And work at it. Stop being lazy buggers and demanding all these things from everyone else. Look at yourself and see what it is that you're not doing to improve yourselves

All's well in the world again..

The Boyfriend and I made up..

He is coming back

And...

I GOT PROMOTED!!! woohoo!!

"... then thats a problem.." you say to me. "... if you cant deal with it now, then how are you going to deal in the future"

An ultimatum -- deal with it now, or maybe just maybe we wont get through this.

The Boyfriend has been away for close to a month now. When he left, I thought it would be hard not seeing him anymore. He thought it would be good for us. Perhaps after all I was too clingy.

When I got upset tonight though it wasnt at not being able to spend time with him. It wasnt because I needed him to be by my side all the time.

I was upset because he made plans with me in the past. Plans to travel back home together, plans to meet up for brunch, or dinner. Small plans.

I have ceased trying to plan a whole day with him. A few hours... a reward in itself. So sometimes, we plan dates, to fit both our schedules.

I dont like having something to look forward to and then having it all dashed away. I dont like being told (even in jest) to not hope.

My life, my whole life, I have survived because I never dared to hope something good will happen. I strategize and prepare myself for the worst possible thing to happen. I plan for the worst news, I replay deaths and sickness and accidents to remember to detach and be independent. I dream of boyfriends cheating on me, to remember to not love so much... too much.

With him I built hopes, I built dreams. Layers upon layers of clouds filled with love and the future. I looked forward to him coming home after not seeing him in a long time.

When he tells me not to hope. Its like saying, dont trust me, I wont be able to do it. Its like saying, you cant count on me for the future.

I prefer to hope, and know that you tried your best to fulfill our plans, but that circumstances just wouldnt let us.

I dont like thinking that this is your out. That because I am not hoping, its ok to not come back. Its ok to not let me know you wont be able to make it.

You challenge me with an ultimatum? You want me to not hope for you, dream about us anymore? You want me back to the ice queen you fell through oh not too long ago?

You used to worry about me. Worried that I would get bored and run away. Then you knew whatever happened, you would be the one to leave me. That I loved you too much. Did you ever worry you might disappoint me so that I would leave?

Dont give me an ultimatum.

Youre talking to the wrong girl right now. You want no hopes for the future? fine.

My mom just bought me the perfect hair straightener

Even though I had gone to the mall and browsed for a long time trying to assess which one is better than the other then coming back home only to realize it takes a bit damn long to heat mine up.

My mom goes and gets me the perfect one. Ok... she failed to realize its an american plus and therefore I need a converter

Guess nobody's perfect