In my previous life
I was an eagle soaring high in the sky
A panther pawing quietly in the grass
I was the sun
I was the earth

In my previous life
I was swaying purple daffodils
I was thorned bushes grown tall
I was a field of sunflowers with my eternal weight bending me down

In my previous life
I was the wind
That gusts between your hair
The light in your eyes
The laughter on your lips

In my previous life
I dreamt of the day you will be born
I whispered sweet nothings in your hair
I was your silent kiss

In my previous life
or previous lives
of a hundred thousand souls
of pirates and princesses, slaves and ordinary people
of vagabonds

In my previous life
I will soon enough return

I was in bed watching a movie yesterday (FINALLY) and was borrowing a movie to keep me company. Watched The Incredible Hulk amidst the yelling of my friend who insisted it was a bad movie and I not watch it. She kept on reminding me of it so much that I watched the movie with no expectation. Did not imagine Edward Norton would pull a good job and SURPRISE! I was entertained (I wasnt amazed, just entertained)

Even this weekend when The Boyfriend and I went off to watch Transformers 2, Miss C had already warned me to not have expectations. So I went, hoping for nothing, wanting for nothing, and I came out with a smile on my face. The Boyfriend instead, was disappointed at how the movie had turned out.

The project that Im on, this due diligence. We had been promised hours would get better after a few days, because of course we cant be working from 11 p.m. till 7a.m. continuosly right?

WRONG! cancelled dinner dates, planned vacations, sleep, friends. Watching my friends try to explain to their partners thats it going to be yet another long night. Yet another night without tucking daughters into bed. Slowly, just kills you.

Maybe its life in general, that has made me this way. You expect nothing, want nothing, hope nothing, and in the end you dont get disappointed, you dont get hurt

and when things go ok, you are just pleasantly surprised. Pleasantly happy

I cant wait!


One more day to his arms around me. His scent surrounding me.

One more day

H1N1 and all

What else is there to say?

My company flew me out on a Friday to work in the office both Saturday and Sunday. As if that wasnt bad enough, we were working until 7am on a Sunday/ Monday morning for a meeting that we had later that day.

We head back to the hotel, sleep for 3 hours then I head back to the office just to find out that The Boyfriend had H1N1! which meant that I had a pretty high likelihood of having it (he came to visit me on Saturday)

So exiled I was, to the five star most expensive hotel here in this foreign country. Not that Im complaining of course.

3 days later and I am still here at my desk, still working. (Exile just means ur not in the office, not that ur not working). If all goes well (and it seems more likely to be the case) then I shall head off tomorrow, back to my country and home and back into the quarantined arms of The Boyfriend. (What? Two quarantines done make a home?)

This opulent opulent hotel is indeed nice, but after 3 days in confinement am I a little bored? Maybe, but not so, since Im still working from here. Still have things to do from here. But I would rather not be working, rather be lounging and doing nothing (Thats how lazy I am right now)

Further dreams of slipping away and travelling, no b school for me. Just slip slip slip away and join another company, another line of work. One that would allow me to stay home on weekends so that I wouldnt be stuck in this (wonderful) hotel instead

One more day, and back to The Boyfriend. For hugs, giggles and kisses

I am tired. I am tired of feeling tired. Sick and tired of being tired.

I am tired of having to work all through weekends all through nights. Foreign cities, foreign offices, foreign hotels. I am tired of not seeing family, of not seeing friends. I am tired of not seeing the Man I love.

A month ago, I was breaking. Cracking. Three years in this job. When the company is constantly telling you up or out, up or out. When you work work work and your life takes a back seat. I was tired. Ive been tired. Of all this. So a month ago, maybe more than that. I reached breaking point. Cracking down. Crying myself to sleep, loating waking up and going to work.

I took 5 weeks off, but could only do it because my father was sick. Had he not been, it probably wouldve been worse for me. At least the five weeks helped repair some cracks in my soul.

But not enough.

I came back fresh, ready to start over. Try again. But this time, they decided to put me on a due diligence. Notoriously known as monsters of the consulting world. You go in KNOWING this time, that you will be working late into the nights, you will not be able to see family, friends. You work weekends. You dont leave your desk to eat.

So here I am, breaking again. Being told on a Thursday that I needed to fly out on a Friday, work Saturday and Sundays. Stressed out because I dont know my work as well as I should be knowing it. Worried that yet again I will fuck up, screw up. Missing seeing The Boyfriend. My weekend plans to watch cheerleading, to meet up with an old old friend, to attend a wedding. All dashed.

Sure, I could be put up in this fabulous five star hotel. But ultimately, I am still here alone.

The Boyfriend coincidentally was transiting through this new city on his way back home. So we met, a brief hour, to be sufficient enough to last a week. Laughter, conversation, kissing. All that kissing. Missing his scent, missing his laugh, missing his hands on me, holding mine. Missing him missing him missing him and the life I am leaving behind.

I dont know anymore. If business school is something I want to do. At least I know now, that I dont want to remain here, in this job.

I want to leave. I want to go. I want to fly everywhere. I want to LIVE not this shelled office life.

The options are there. But making a life changing decision is hard. Do I quit? get a paper pushing job. Leave at the right time, meet the right people? hang out, talk? see the world? leave behind my five figure salary? leave behind this luxurious life?

Do I stay? Move up in this superficial world? Take all the shit being thrown at me in hopes that I would move to a position where I would have to make harder choices, harder decisions? where I cannot guarantee stress would be minimal? Do I keep earning all of these earnings, just to squander it on yet another designer bag, yet another luxurious hotel, yet another title.

But if I leave, the bigger question is. Will he fly with me?

The best foreplay... is conversation, holding hands, laughter... and a whole lotta kissing...

Cant wait till I see The Boyfriend again